Hire Jim Essian

So help me God, for my entire childhood I thought Lenny Dykstra had no teeth. The guy’s mouth was blacker than a kid with braces eating Oreos. I did know one thing, though. I knew that every time “Nails” came up against the Cubs, he was going to be a huge pain in the ass for whichever Cub pitcher had the misfortune of facing him. So Lenny Dykstra checks in at #60 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

Dykstra was drafted in the thirteenth round of the amateur draft by the New York Mets on June 8, 1981. Dykstra was called up to the big club after Mookie Wilson went on the disabled list, and he made his debut with the Mets on May 3, 1985. The pesky Dykstra went 2-5 with a home run and a stolen base while batting leadoff in a 9-4 victory over the Reds. Lenny’s debut against the Cubs came in a typical Dwight Gooden start at Shea Stadium on June 19, 1985. Doc went all nine innings, giving up only six hits and two walks while striking out nine Cubs in a 1-0 Met win.

You probably remember Dykstra for being on one of the most annoyingly good teams in baseball history, the 1986 Mets. When he wasn’t helping comb blow out of Keith Hernandez’s mustache or telling Jesse Orosco he loved him as Gaff in Blade Runner, Dykstra was eating black licorice. Or drinking black tar. Or possibly chewing Red Man.

I’m guessing if the Red Sox have a T79, Dykstra is probably on it, as he capped off the 1986 season with a .296/.345/.519 line in the World Series. After the Sox won the first two games of the Series at Shea Stadium, Dykstra crushed a leadoff home run off the cocky Oil Can Boyd in Game Three, an eventual 7-1 Met win at Fenway. Dykstra then all but iced Game Four with a two-run home run in the 7th inning to give the Mets a 5-0 lead.

In 1989, the Mets sent Dykstra along with Roger McDowell to the Philadelphia Phillies for Juan Samuel and Tom Edens. Cubs fans were not happy that Nails had been traded to another hated NL East rival, as Dykstra continued to torment Cub pitching.

In his career, Dykstra scored more runs (88), racked up more hits (141), hit more home runs (15), and drove in more runs (58) against the Cubs than any other team. He was named in the Mitchell Report, though it’s clear that if he used steroids, he injected them straight into his jaw.

I’m sure Dykstra will celebrate his induction to the T79 in the same way he celebrated John Kruk’s bachelor party. By getting drunk and trying to kill Darren Daulton. And that’s the way we want it.

Why You Should Hate Him: I was going to go with September 9, 1993, when Dykstra drove in five runs in a 10-8 Phillies win over the Cubs at Veterans Stadium. But let’s face it. The Cubs sucked, and the game, while annoying, was pretty meaningless.

I think a far more obnoxious game occurred on August 16, 1987. God help you if you sat through this Sunday afternoon mess. The Mets sent Ron Darling to the mound against Greg Maddux at Wrigley Field. The Mets were in the hunt for the NL East, and the Cubs were trying to stay at least remotely relevant. The Cubs were feeling good, having narrowed the gap between them and the Mets by taking the first three games of the four-game series. Dykstra went feast-or-famine, collecting four hits and three strikeouts in seven at-bats. Yes, seven at-bats. I’ll get to that. Dykstra collected three RBIs and piled onto a miserable Cub day with a two-run home run in the 7th inning to put the Mets up TWENTY to five.

The Mets eventually won 23-10 in a game that somehow only managed to be three and a half hours long. I’m sure it felt like an eternity with the bullpen Gene Michael trotted out there. Maddux was knocked out after giving up seven earned runs in just 3 2/3 innings. Michael eventually turned to Drew Hall, who gave up ten earned runs in 1 2/3 innings. Yes, he gave up twice as many runs as outs. Hall had entered the game with a 2.38 ERA. He left with a 9.00 ERA. Jay Baller and Frank DiPino came in to “help,” and each gave up an additional three earned runs in 1 1/3 innings and 1 inning, respectively.

The Cubs went on to drop their next two series, play miserably in September, and end the season at the bottom of the NL East. And it’s all thanks to Lenny Dykstra.

Did You Know? Dykstra used to have a car wash? It was cleverly named, “Lenny Dykstra’s Car Wash” (Incidentally, there’s a car wash magazine?). He should have gone through it one time with his mouth open. Also, Lenny has a son. He named him Cutter. I don’t see any emotional problems on the horizon for him. Anyhow, Cutter is in the Brewers’ organization, and the BCB of the Brewers interviewed him about rubbing off his groin, or something.