This week’s Muskbox answers those questions you’ve been dying to ask all offseason. Such as who is going to take over the Cubs’ blogging duties now that THE PULSE is in Cleveland. Seriously. That’s one of the best questions that was asked. Just watch:

How closely is the performance of the players participating in the World Baseball Classic being monitored by managers and scouts? I’m not just talking about unknown foreign players either. For instance, Lou Piniella has said he might want another infielder. How much will Corey Koskie’s performance for Team Canada affect his chances of making the roster?
– Anthony C., Mesa, Ariz.

I think it’s obvious that if Corey Koskie can rise to the occasion and perform well under the harsh scrutiny of the Canadian baseball media, he’ll thrive with the Cubs.

CARRIE: The Cubs have three scouts at each of the sites for the World Baseball Classic, plus coach Ivan DeJesus is a coach on the Puerto Rican team, so he can keep an eye on Geovany Soto. As for Koskie, the team will consider his performance for Team Canada, but the Cubs’ brass needs to see him first-hand before making a final decision. Koskie has a clause in his contract in which he will go to Triple-A Iowa for 30 days if he needs more time.

Did I just read that (1) the Cubs “brass”–who I assume are the old guys who walk around the stands and play old-timey during the games–hasn’t even met their likely backup infielder, and (2) the Cubs brass needs to meet Koskie to determine whether he needs to be on the team instead of, oh say, looking at some statistics?

Did Kosuke Fukudome make any changes to his swing this offseason? Is there anything in particular the Cubs coaching staff wanted him to work on during the offseason?
– Taylor D., Kingsley, Iowa

Yes. Hitting a goddamn baseball every once in a while. But Lou hasn’t figured out how to say “goddamn” in Japanese yet.

CARRIE: Don’t know about his swing.

Of course you don’t.

CARRIE: The emphasis this offseason was more on Fukudome doing core exercises so he was stronger.

That way, when he swings and misses at least he can cool off the fans in the right-field bleachers.

What are the chances we could still see Jake Peavy in a Cubs uniform before the season starts? Are they still talking or have talks died out?
– Eric H., Fort Atkinson, Wis.

I guess it’s okay to be a bit behind in the news if you’re actually living in a fort.

CARRIE: Talks ended after the Winter Meetings in December. I’d say the chances are slim to none that you’ll see Peavy with the Cubs by Opening Day. The Cubs’ ownership situation needs to be resolved, and that may not be settled until May. After spending $900 million to buy the team and Wrigley Field, it’d be a lot to ask the new owner to also take on an additional $63 million, which is what Peavy is still owed on his contract. That said, anything is possible.

So, there is basically no chance that the Cubs will trade for Peavy, except for the chance that they might trade for Peavy. Anyone have an aspirin?

I’m coming to Mesa for Spring Training. How do I get in to watch practice at HoHoKam Park and Fitch Park? What about watching Minor League games?
– Mike S., Des Moines

You’re late!

CARRIE: The gates at HoHoKam, and all spring ballparks, open two hours before first pitch. If you go to Fitch Park, you can catch the morning workouts, and there is no admission charge to see the games. Plus, there will likely be more than one game going on at Fitch, which is located south of HoHoKam Park on Center Street in Mesa.

This information will definitely help the 0.5% of Cubs fans who go to Spring Training. Of course, only 0.01% of those fans read the Muskbox. So, by my calculations, this answer was relevant to exactly one person. Mike S., from Des Moines, Iowa.

What are you expecting from Jeff Samardzija this year? Will he earn a spot in the rotation or in the bullpen, or will he start in the Minors?
– Garrett B., Mission Viejo, Calif.

I’m expecting him to be the best wide receiver in Chicago for the second year in a row.

CARRIE: He could do any of the three options you suggest. Samardzija is a candidate for the fifth spot in the rotation, and for the bullpen. There’s also the possibility he could open at Triple-A Iowa to start and stay stretched out in case he’s needed to help the big league team. It’s just too early to say where he’ll end up, and the Cubs want to do what’s best for him and what’s best for the team.

Presenting, “Carrie’s Foolproof Formula for a Fantastic Muskbox!”

1. Cut-and-paste the question.
2. Restate the question in your own words. OWN IT! OWN THE QUESTION!
3. Use one of the following phrases (your pick): “It’s too early to say…” “My sources say…” “There is no way this will happen, but anything can happen…” OR “Cubs historian Ed Hartig says…”
4. Cash paycheck.

Could you ask Lou or the powers that be why they want to play Milton Bradley in right and platoon Reed Johnson and Fukudome in center? It seems to me the more natural and obvious choice is to play Bradley in center and platoon Reed and Fukudome in right. Center is an easier position to play than right, especially at Wrigley, where a little speed will make up for any defensive inadequacies, not to mention no side walls to run into.
– Mike C., Skokie, Ill.

I would love to see that exchange.

CARRIE: Hey, Lou, don’t you think Bradley should play center and Johnson and Fukudome should platoon in right?

LOU: Who the fuck are you?

CARRIE: …

LOU: …

Then, Carrie would leave.

CARRIE: The center fielder usually ends up covering more ground than the corners, and Johnson and Fukudome are better suited for that role. Bradley was a center fielder when he first started playing, but all the running is better suited for someone with younger legs. I can also see Piniella making defensive changes late in games, and lifting Bradley to insert Fukudome in right.

Yeah, the Cubs had better get Reed Johnson’s and Kosuke Fukudome’s young 31-year-old legs out there instead of Milton Bradley’s old 30-year-old legs.

Who will be doing an in-season blog this year with the departure of Mark DeRosa? I hope De-Ro knows that Cubs fans didn’t want him to go.
– Cody W., New Albany, Ind.

I hope DeRosa knows that only people named “Cody” call him “De-Ro.” And care that much that he’s gone.

CARRIE: Johnson will take over blogging duties, and we hope to get it started this week. He’s pretty pumped. And yes, DeRosa knows.

Damn. I was hoping it was going to be Ted Lilly, and that the blog would look like this.

No offense to Steve Goodman, RIP, but are the Cubs still going to play “Go Cubs Go” after every win at home? It seemed like only the young and over-served non-fans enjoyed that. It also gives Sox fans more reasons and ways to mock us. Countless times, I’ve been on the “L” wearing a Cubs hat when a gang of Sox fans start singing “Go Cubs Go” in a jeering manner.
– Paul M., Chicago

Seriously, dude? Why didn’t you just go tell the principal? YOU ARE THE REASON SOX FANS HAVE SO MANY WAYS TO MOCK US. If you can hear me, Steve Goodman, and you’re not too busy writing songs about God socking walk-off home runs, can you please come down here and haunt this pansy?

CARRIE: They’re just jealous.

That’s what the principal would have said.

What happened to Jim Edmonds? Did he retire?
– Justin P., Davenport, Iowa

Check your local kennels.

CARRIE: Edmonds was leaning that way at the end of last season, although he hasn’t officially announced that as far as I know.

Do you think-? Could ya-? Could ya maybe ask someone? I mean, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.

Another week, another disaster.