On my way home from work tonight, the lovely J-Kerm called me to ask if I wanted to go out to dinner at a local Naperville establishment. J-Kerm, who has a sudden affinity for signing us up for every single e-mail club on the planet, had a coupon for a free entree that expires tomorrow. So off we went. And thank God we did.
When we pulled up to the restaurant, a car pulled up in the spot right next to us, causing J-Kerm to wait to open her car door. Thinking nothing of it, J-Kerm and I walked into the restaurant and were seated. Not three minutes later, the couple in the car next to ours walked in and sat at the table directly behind us. I barely glanced up as they were seated.
About ten minutes later, a middle-aged couple at the restaurant got up from their table and walked up to the table behind ours. The first thing out of the guy’s mouth was, “I’m sorry, but are you Ernie Banks?”
WHAT?!
Not five feet behind me sat Mr. Cub. Ordering the same chicken tortilla soup that I was eating. Getting annoyed by some guy from Cincinnati who had access to arguably the Greatest Cub of All Time, and here are the two things he thought to talk to Ernie about (yes, I eavesdropped):
- The fact that he’d just met Johnny Bench earlier this year, and that Bench was nice. NEATO!
- That’s it’s too bad that things with Ken Griffey, Jr. didn’t work out better with the Reds, because Griffey is a class act.
He had access to HALL OF FAMER ERNIE BANKS, and decided to talk about the Reds. Turd. I immediately texted my mother, the biggest Ernie Banks fan I know. I’m pretty sure my mom would have come out to Naperville if she thought Ernie would still be there by the time she arrived. She told me to try to get an autograph or a picture, but I didn’t to seem like a simp (even though I had a Wrigley Field pen in my pocket). I also texted Mike D. It went like this:
KERM: Ernie Banks is sitting right behind me.
HUEY: Where are you?
KERM: REDACTED
HUEY: Are you sure it’s not Ronnie Woo-Woo?
KERM: Ha! Should I follow him home?
HUEY: You should. In fact, you should agitate him and, when he takes a swing at you, take a pic and put it on HJE. THAT’S how you build a readership!
KERM: Ernie Banks just punched me in the face!
Despite Mike D.’s advice, we didn’t want to annoy him, and we didn’t want to grovel. So, we did the first thing that we could think of.
We bought him booze.
We bought Ernie a bottle of wine, for which he was very grateful. I texted Huey, “I just bought him a bottle of wine. Now, I just need to ‘dine’ him.” After we dawdled for long enough for Ernie to finish his dinner, we got up to leave. Ernie thanked us again, and I took the opportunity to shake Mr. Cub’s hand. Firm grip. Could still out-hit Joey Gathright by at least 100 points.
We ended up talking to Ernie for a good five minutes, and he couldn’t have been more friendly. He asked how J-Kerm and I met, what we did for a living, where we went to school, and the capper…whether we wanted him to renew our vows at Wrigley Field. Yes, Ernie Banks apparently just became a minister, and just got permission to marry people at Wrigley Field. “Let’s go right now, Ernie,” I said. And I would have.
Ernie asked all sorts of questions about my job, and finally asked for my business card. I checked my pockets. I checked my wallet. I cursed my luck, as there wasn’t a business card to be found. And that’s when I remembered why I married J-Kerm, as she whipped one of my cards out of her purse and handed it to Ernie Banks. I’m sure he’ll throw it away the next time he sees it, but as of right now, Ernie Banks is carrying my business card. Awesome.
Shoot me an e-mail if you need anything, Ernie.
Did you at least put in a good word for me? Or did you at least tell him how I stiffed you on 2 hockey tickets?
That IS awesome.
You should have interrupted the Reds fan and asked Ernie how much Johnny Bench really enjoyed being the catcher, as you nudged Ernie in the ribs.
Big deal, the wife and I eat at a place all the time where Jose Nieves is one of the waiters. Every Christmas I bring him a bottle of ripple.
That’s way cooler than my Ernie Banks story. About ten years ago, my company was doing a summer outing to a Cub game. We had our quarterly meeting in the morning, and then we were all supposed to hop on a charter bus up to Wrigley (why we couldn’t just hop on the L, I’ll never know… our office was in River North).
At the end of the meeting, the company president looks up from the podium, “oh, I forgot one slide. Hold on.” Everyone groans. He motioned over, like he was summoning the IT guy for help. Except he was summoning Banks, who took the stage to the most awkward, tepid corporate applause ever (it probably didn’t help that half of the firm’s staff were females under the age of 35 who mostly didn’t know or care who Ernie was). Banks tossed out some Cub hats to the audience, gave a little three-minute pep talk about what a great time we were going to have at the ol’ ballpark that day, and then proceeded to shake hands and sign autographs for the half-hour until the bus arrived.
Most disturbing? He offered autographs to anyone who wanted one (clearly, the company had paid his appearance fee), and only 12 people took him up on that (all dudes, all Cub fans). The upside? Our small group basically got to spend 30 minutes shooting the shit and talking baseball with Mr. Cub.
Bad Kermit,
This is why you need to carry “Hire Jim Essian” cards much like I carry “Bleed Cubbie Blue” cards.
Because nothing says you’re taking all of this stuff seriously like business cards. For your blog.
That is a great story.
And beats the time Ron Santo came to one of our Little League practices because one of my teammate’s dad was a friend of his. And Ron was pretty much an ass. Maybe he was having a bad day or something but I think that was why he never got into the Hall of Fame.
Wine?
I thought they just served beer and fauxgaritas at Chipotle.
You’re having a much more awesome night than I. Lean “Cuisine” my ass.
Why didn’t you include my text conversation that I had with JKerm? I’ll do it instead, jerk. It’s way better than the one you and Huey had.
JKerm: ernie banks is at the table next to us at houlihans
Mr. Awesome: Is he lost? do you know there are other restaurants in naperville?
JKerm: there are?
JKerm: we bought ernie his $50 bottle of wine.
Mr. Awesome: blow him?
JKerm: possibly.
Then I finished watching Jack Bauer do stuff. Now, I don’t know why Kerm didn’t mention that he possibly blew Ernie’s black trouser snake under the table, but I felt it needed to be said. That being said, good story Kerm. Too bad when we went to eat together last weekend the only person we saw was a douchenozzle sitting alone, openly rooting for Marquette. Fhag.
I think another ex-Cub, Todd Hundley, needed that bottle of wine more than Minister Banks. The end of the story would’ve had more fireworks, that’s for sure.
Ernie sounds inquisitive. Suspiciously inquisitive.
Reminds me of an encounter I had with Jim Edmonds. It was at the Daquiri Factory in our local mall. He kept asking me questions like “So do you have any pets? Any dogs? What are their names? Do you have any pictures of your dogs? What do they like to eat? Do they have a trusting nature when it comes to friendly strangers? So what’s your schedule like? What is your exact mailing address?”
I’m at Denny’s all the time and no one ever bothers to buy me anything.
Ah, this makes so much sense now! I attended a wine-tasting party for a charity Ernie was helping out and he kept raving on and on about how my friend (a buxom blond) and I should quit wasting time and get married already. I assumed it was just the latest rewrite to his shtick. Obviously, didn’t know about the ordained minister racket at the time.
Like all others involved in organized religion, it was just a sales pitch. Enjoy the tax break, Mr. Cub!
Awesome…I met him at what was probably a paid appearance, but he signed my hat (that luckily, I bought that day) and I got some pictures with him, me, and the wife. Yes, strong grip, and HUGE hands. Was a real nice guy. Doesn’t let the whole “I’m a living God to these people” go to his head.
@dunstonian –
Can you set me up with this broad?
Ernie flirted fairly openly with LFork at a luncheon in DC a while back. Rev. Mr. Cub keeps the pimp hand strong.
Ernie sat next to me at a Cubs game once. It was the day after the fight that broke out because a fan took a Dodger players hat. I was sitting in the same area where the fight happened and who sits next to me with about 3 body guards….that are right, Mr. Cub! We obviously talked baseball, and after about 2 innings, him and his entourage left. I assume it was a PR thing. I got him to sign my baseball ticket and the bill of my hat.
I didn’t think to buy him a drink…nice move
My roommate at Bradley got us tickets for that Road to Wrigley Chiefs game they held at Wrigley last summer, because his mom works for Converse Advertising, which is owned by the family of the Chiefs owner/president. So we got an all expenses paid trip up there in a bus with free food and drinks. We get to Wrigley at least two hours before game time and they told us they had a room for us at Harry Carays. We go in, we go upstairs, and its apparently this huge party for Chiefs and Cubs executives, and there was Ernie Banks sitting at the bar. So I had him sign a baseball that I brought along that I had gotten signed a few years earlier by Fergie Jenkins. He see’s Jenkins name on the ball and starts talking about how nice of a guy he is, then he asked all kinds of stuff about how long I’ve been a Cub fan, who my favorite player was, where I was from, all that stuff. Basically he really is about the nicest guy alive. I also met Jim Hendry that night, not surprisingly at the end of the buffet line (the guy likes Fried Ravioli). He’s kind of a smart ass, but was also pretty nice. Then the waitress asked what I wanted to drink, and I said scotch sarcastically. Annd she brought me scotch. So the Cub organization gave alcohol to a minor.
All in all, it was a fantastic night.
@SKO –
We remember
Kerm- I met Steve Trout and Jay Johnstone at Hohokam this weekend. Trout is awesome but Jay Johnstone is a real prick. I think I finally asked him what it was like to play next to legends like Bob Denier and Gary Matthews. He went for a smoke break with out answering that question.
Your voice is all over this story. Absolutely loved it, especially the ending. See why it always help to have a woman at your side. God Bless us.
Several years ago, while waitressing in Milwaukee, I served potato pancakes and black coffee to Mark Grace. He had these ice blue dagger eyes and chain smoked Marlboro Reds. “Keep it coming,” he said, as I poured the thick swill into his mug, several times over. I avoided eye contact, but not really. It was something.
@Danko – Too bad you’re not a fat chick. If you were, Grace would have invited you back to his place.
All of these stories are awesome, by the way. Chris P, I was at the game the day before, when they actually fought over the hat. Fun times.
@SKO –
Did your friend’s mom go home with Pete Vonachen?
@Reuschel’s Jowls – If Kerm’s story was so much cooler than yours, why did you feel the need to share with us?
Kerm you didn’t ban Yellon from HJE?
@Hohokam – no way is jay johnstone a prick. haven’t you ever seen the ’84 fleer (i think) of him taking BP with that awesome/weird budweiser umbrella hat? most valuable card at my grade school, until we discovered rusty kuntz.
Great story, Kerm.
The only way it could’ve been better is if Mr. Cub had punched Mr. Reds Fan in the nuts.
What is it about Ernie Banks that you don’t want to bug the guy? I sat right across the aisle from him many times at Bulls games and I just didn’t feel right about even saying “Ernie, you’re the greatest” or “When we were kids, we all held the bat like you” or SOMETHING!
Wow. Not only does HJE have actual articles, but some of them are even kinda cool.
@Tdubbs. Some stories need to be told more than once,Chad. Like that one you have about the time you got “totally hammered” and you took a chick back to the condo and you guys totally did it but you didn’t get her number or even remember her name the next day ‘cuz you were sooo wasted.