As you guys are well aware, if there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s “making shit up.” This Spring Training is horrendously boring, so let’s take advantage of that fact by making up our own Spring Training news story. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’ll start a story with one sentence. The next person in the comments adds a sentence and so on and so forth. You can comment multiple times, but only add one sentence at a time, and don’t make back-to-back comments. It might also be a good idea to bold the story part to distinguish it from any comments that aren’t meant to add to the story. Away we go:
We just received some breaking news about the Cubs out at HoHoKam Park today.
Several helicopters are in the area, assisting police on the ground, as one anonymous source claimed a full-blown search is underway for someone matching the description of Cubs outfield Milton Bradley.
(outfielder)
A number of disgruntled ex- employees including Yosh Kawano, Mark Prior and Sammy Sosa showed up today to…
…snap the current team and coaches with towels, blast loud music, and wash the players’ laundry, but Bradley would have none of it.
According to police, an African-American male, age 18-50, was seen “going all crazy and shit”.
Armed with a bag full of baseballs, Bradley
Earlier today, Bradley announced that he would be quitting baseball to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a country music superstar.
beet the crap out of Yosh Kawano, Mark Prior and Sammy Sosa, until they were all just puddles of crap on the ground. An accomplice matching the description of Theadore Lilly was seen
masturbating fiercely without his wedding ring on.
In an event eerily similar to Radio Raheem’s death outside of Sal’s Famous Pizzeria in Brooklyn years ago,Sammy Sosa was raging at Lou Pinella for killing his Boombox and wasting his D Sized batteries. When Lou didn’t bother telling him he wasn’t managing the cubs and instead antagonized him by yelling how he hates that jungle Salsa shit, this seemed to set off Mr. Bradley armed with his bag of baseballs…
Then, HJE’s game took a turn for the suck when nobody read the rules. The end.
Kill Joy
Do you not have the brain power to follow along?
So what if we don’t color in between the lines?
Obsessed with a masturbating Ted Lilly, some guy identified as “Mark Giangreco Roman Wrestler” attempted to interfear with the proceedings.
Well, this got angry fast.
Not angry.
Annoyed by rule followers.
BOLD
Lou Pinella announced he’s pregnant.
We just received some breaking news about the Cubs out at HoHoKam Park today. Several helicopters are in the area, assisting police on the ground, as one anonymous source claimed a full-blown search is underway for someone matching the description of Cubs outfield Milton Bradley. Earlier today, Bradley announced that he would be quitting baseball to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a country music superstar. According to police, an African-American male, age 18-50, was seen “going all crazy and shit”. Armed with a bag full of baseballs, Bradley beet the crap out of Yosh Kawano, Mark Prior and Sammy Sosa, until they were all just puddles of crap on the ground. An accomplice matching the description of Theadore Lilly was seen masturbating fiercely without his wedding ring on.
THEN PANK COME TO FIELD AND CATCH GROUNDERS. GROUNDERS ATE PANK UP. PANK THREW BALL TO GUY BUT BALL HIT PRETTY LADY IN FACE AND FACE GET EATEN BY MONKEYMAN AND MONKEYMAN EAT BALL TOO AND BALL GO BYEBYE AND PANK CRY.
Ryan Theriot & Mike Fontenot were seen rubbing Lilly’s sperm on their faces in hopes to grow presentable beards.
We just received some breaking news about the Cubs out at HoHoKam Park today. Several helicopters are in the area, assisting police on the ground, as one anonymous source claimed a full-blown search is underway for someone matching the description of Cubs outfield Milton Bradley. Earlier today, Bradley announced that he would be quitting baseball to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a country music superstar. According to police, an African-American male, age 18-50, was seen “going all crazy and shit”. Armed with a bag full of baseballs, Bradley beet the crap out of Yosh Kawano, Mark Prior and Sammy Sosa, until they were all just puddles of crap on the ground. An accomplice matching the description of Theadore Lilly was seen masturbating fiercely without his wedding ring on. THEN PANK COME TO FIELD AND CATCH GROUNDERS.Ryan Theriot & Mike Fontenot were seen rubbing Lilly’s sperm on their faces in hopes to grow presentable beards.
Sorry for interfearing in your lame jokes. The last thing I would ever want to do is interfear. I’m not one to interfear.
INTERFERE.
Apology accepted.
We just received some breaking news about the Cubs out at HoHoKam Park today. Several helicopters are in the area, assisting police on the ground, as one anonymous source claimed a full-blown search is underway for someone matching the description of Cubs outfield Milton Bradley. Earlier today, Bradley announced that he would be quitting baseball to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a country music superstar. According to police, an African-American male, age 18-50, was seen “going all crazy and shit”. Armed with a bag full of baseballs, Bradley beet the crap out of Yosh Kawano, Mark Prior and Sammy Sosa, until they were all just puddles of crap on the ground. An accomplice matching the description of Theadore Lilly was seen masturbating fiercely without his wedding ring on. THEN PANK COME TO FIELD AND CATCH GROUNDERS.Ryan Theriot & Mike Fontenot were seen rubbing Lilly’s sperm on their faces in hopes to grow presentable beards.
In a related story, the lovable Cubs manager Lou Pinella announced today that he is 3 months pregnant. At this time it is unclear who the baby’s father is, but rumors around the clubhouse suggest Gail Fischer is the proud parent to be.
I would like to contribute but you guys really fucked this one up beyond recognition already. All I can gather is something about furiously masturbating into piles of shit? Classy, guys. Real classy.
In a related story, a group of slightly overweight women ranging in ages from 20-50 took part in a mass suicide in the parking lot for HoHoKam Park– this apparently is a direct result of the Mark DeRosa Trade.
@Mark – This is the greatest story ever told.
@mister cheezle – Ok, now that’s funny. Tip o’ the cap, sir.
I can’t contribute but this is firgging hysterical! You should have more of these down the road
…and then that nasty chick from “AJRoxMyWhiteSox” showed up and had hot, wild, animalistic sex with Kermit.
Holy shit.
Whoa ! Whoa! Whoa!
Talking about how Ryan Theriot & Mike Fontenot rub Lilly fluid on their face is one thing…but saying that Bad Kermit rounded AJROXMYSOX’s bases last night is taking things WAY too far!
What do you call this story?
“The Aristocrats!”
In an effort to stave off another round of DeRosa related mass suicides General Manager Jim Hendry announced that Ryan Theriot would be slotted as the team’s official ‘sweaty magnet’ (sic) for the 2009 season “It’s true that Ryan (Theriot) has already performed this role to a lesser extent. But this year with the absence of Mark (DeRosa) he is going to have to have to carry the full load alone. (No pun intended) We think he is ready. I mean, the kid can’t grow a decent beard, but he sure can drive the big-boned gals wild” said Hendry at a late afternoon press conference.
A spokesperson for slightly overweight women ranging in age 20 –50 bellowed her approval and then continued to shovel Krispy Kreme doughnuts in to her face.
OK, this picture is way to huge to post in the thread, but too apropos not to link…I think it shows one of mister cheezle’s casualties with the new sweaty magnet himself.
@StPatrick – That is amazing. Is the chick wearing a Theriot shirt?
Who are you people?
I think we can all agree that if this kind of crap took place on Bleed Cubbie Blue we’d all have gotten banned.
Shame on us all!
@Chris P – I would fuck AJROXMYWHITESOX’s brains out. There, I said it.
@TDubbs – That’s what happens when some video that some asshole duetschbag of a “writer” here made goes viral.
Haha. Sperm. Milt Bradley.
The best part was when the blog posters got angry with eachother.
Outside HoHoKam park one HJE fan protested against the lack of the T79 player profiles since Kermit’s #61 posted on Nov 10, 2008.
Hey Faggots,
My name is Ziggy, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-life Cub fans who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess it’s fun making fun of people because of they’re team preferences, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures of Ryan Theriot.
Don’t be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I’m pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than “jack off to naked drawn white Cub players”? I also get straight A’s, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.
Linked pic related:It’s me and my bitch
Geez, Ziggy. No need to be jealous. You too can get some friends. All you have to do is drive to Brokeback Ranch and ask if Ozzie and AJ can cum out to play.
Kevster is so stupid, he’s perfect, he already has friends dumbass