What better way to spend an hour on a lazy Monday afternoon than trying to round up a collection of the most ridiculous(ly awesome) names in the history of baseball. We look back at these names like someday people will look back at J.J. Putz, Coco Crisp, Dick Pole, and Albert Pujols. I have so many people to thank. But I’ll just go with Mark Giangreco Roman Wrestler, Fork, Tankho, RV, CT, and PenFoe. Thanks for all the names. Since there are so very many of them, here is your first bunch.

• This whole project started with me trying to look up Leon Lee, Derrek’s dad, to see if he had a Baseball-Reference page. Instead, I stumbled upon this guy. Leonidas Pyrrhus Funkhouser. Part Spartan King, part Greek King, and part James Brown. Who the hell was this dude? He’s so mysterious, that B-R doesn’t even know which hand he used to throw, or on which side of the plate he stood. But we do know he went to Princeton. And I assume he looks like this:
  
  
  




• If this was my name, I would definitely have business cards printed up.
• I think I probably would have gone with “Charles Alston.”
• His statistics do, too.
• But he’s probably better than this guy.
• He’s stitched together from the spare body parts of several lesser assholes.
• His name is normal, but his nickname is straight off a poorly-translated Japanese sign.
• As opposed to this guy, who stole my nickname for LaTroy Hawkins.
• He has the sweetest smiiiiiiiiiiiile.
• I think they have an ointment for him.
• And possibly for him.
• Let’s see. We’ve got a President, an Emperor, and a town in Oklahoma. Some people should not have children.
• He’s standing over your bed, watching you sleep.
• Candygram.
• Too bad he never got a chance to face The Gay Reliever.
• I’m pretty sure Ugly Dickshot is a porn camera angle.
• Once it was off, I wonder if he got it reattached.
• Is this even a nickname?
• When your name is Smead, do you really need a nickname like Smudge?
• He does illusions. A trick is what a whore does for crack.
• Too bad it wasn’t Drunko.
• He’s still shitty.
• Are we sure he’s not a professional wrestler?
• Wasn’t he the first guy you fought in Punch-Out?
• Of course his nickname was “Leaky.”
• His teammates were obsessed with him.
• I know people in the 40s weren’t as racially sensitive as they are now, but come on.
• How do you get “Dick” from “Elmer”?

There are so many more of these, so I’m going to save some for tomorrow. Stay tuned for Part Two.