Happy Groundhog Day, needlenoses. Thank you a thousand times over to Morpheus for the Photoshop.

INT.–BED AND BREAKFAST ROOM–MORNING

LOU PINIELLA lies asleep in bed when his clock radio goes off. Sonny and Cher’s “I Got You Babe” blares through the radio as Lou is startled out of his slumber. Lou gets out of bed and starts getting ready to face the day as the song ends, and the morning talk show hosts begin their witty banter.

HOST 1: Okay, campers, rise and shine.

HOST 2: Don’t forget your booties because it’s cold out there today.

HOST 1: It’s cold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?

Lou has an odd sense of deja vu.

LOU: You’re playing the wrong tape, idiots. You just said all this a couple days ago. And the day before that. And the October before that.

HOST 2: Don’t forget. Game Three of the NLDS between the Cubs and Dodgers is tonight, and the big question on everyone’s lips-

HOST 1: On their chapped lips.

HOST 2: Yes, on their chapped lips is, “Are the Cubs going to be able to avoid losing nine consecutive postseason games?”

HOST 1: Nine in a row? Ouch. That hurts worse than my divorce!

Lou hurls a shoe at the radio, knocking it off the nightstand, breaking it, and silencing the radio hosts. He climbs into the shower and is shocked by a stream of freezing cold water.

INT.–BED AND BREAKFAST LOBBY–MORNING

Lou, still feeling an odd sense of deja vu walks downstairs to the hotel lobby, only to be greeted by MRS. LANCASTER, the bed and breakfast owner.

MRS. LANCASTER: Did you sleep well, Mr. Piniella?

LOU: I slept alone, Mrs. Lancaster. Do you ever have deja vu, Mrs. Lancaster?

MRS. LANCASTER: I don’t think so, but I could check with the kitchen. Do you expect a win tonight?

LOU: I’d say there’s about an eighty percent chance of us winning. Eighty. Seventy-five.

EXT.–LOS ANGELES–MOMENTS LATER

Lou leaves the bed and breakfast only to nearly crash into NED YOST.

NED: Lou? Lou Piniella?

Lou feels as though he met Ned yesterday, but Ned doesn’t seem to remember.

NED: Don’t tell me you don’t remember me. “Needlenose Ned”? “Ned the Head”? C’mon, buddy. The NL Central. I tried to murder CC Sabathia down the stretch? Bing. Ned Yost, had my first baby the same year that my team was in the 1982 playoffs, and I said the playoffs were a better experience? Bing, again. Ned Yost, I dated your sister a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?

LOU: Ned Yost?

NED: Bing! Do you have life insurance, Lou? Because if you do, you could always use a little more, I mean, who couldn’t? But let me tell you something – I got’s a feeling

Ned whistles.

NED: You ain’t got any. Am I right, or am I right? Or am I right? My right. My right.

LOU: You’re selling life insurance now?

NED: Bing again!

LOU: Ned, I would love to stay here and talk with you… but I’m not going to.

Lou steps off the curb into a large puddle of water. Ned laughs boisterously.

NED: Watch that first step! It’s a dooooooozy!

INT.–DODGER STADIUM–AFTERNOON

Lou walks into the dugout, where LARRY ROTHSCHILD sits, drinking bourbon. Lou fidgets with his lineup card and sits down on the bench next to Larry.

LOU: Larry, you ever feel like you’re living the same day over and over and over?

Larry takes a large pull on his bourbon.

LARRY: Every day.

Larry hands the drink to Lou.

LARRY: I always drink to world peace.

LOU: To world peace.

The two both drink their drinks.

LOU: I was in the World Series once. We were huge underdogs. The other team was all roided up. We swept them in four games. That was a pretty good series. Why couldn’t I get that series over and over and over… What would you do if you were stuck in one place and every day was exactly the same, and nothing that you did mattered?

LARRY: That about sums it up for me. I try to shake things up a little bit. You know? Do something different.

Lou looks down at his lineup card.

LOU: Maybe you’re right.

Lou crosses off “FUKUDOME” in the second spot of his batting order and writes in “FONTENOT.”

LOU: Larry, I think everything’s going to be ooooookay tonight.

Larry belches.

LOU: You want to throw up here, or you want to throw up in the clubhouse?

LARRY: I think…both.

THE END