Normally, I like to thank those who point me toward interesting, ridiculous, funny, or informative sites that I use when I write for HJE. Generally, I appreciate the tips, links, and wisecracks. Not this time. God damn you, person who directed me to “AJ Rox My White Sox.” God damn you straight to hell. If I were writing a list of things that I hate, it might look something like this:
- MLB.com
- Loud chicks who think they’re attractive
- The White Sox
- People that use an “x” instead of a “cks”
- Law students
- A.J. Pierzynski
Imagine my horror when I found there was a blog that combined every single one of those things into one particular dark corner of the internet. There is SO VERY MUCH to make fun of on this blog, that I’m actually considering having “Jen” replace the Muskrat in a weekly feature. But today, let’s just focus on Jen’s “Read About Me” page.
“This place is an even bigger [dump] than I thought.” -AJ Pierzynski on Wrigley Field at the Winter Classic
Don’t ever let a White Sox fan tell you that they are not OBSESSED with the Cubs. The very first line of a “Read About Me” page on the obscure site of an A.J. Pierzynski fan is about Wrigley Field? Christ, get over it.
My name is Jen. I’m a law student who wants to practice sports and entertainment law. I am a sports FANATIC, especially when it comes to the Chicago White Sox and the Chicago Bears. But baseball owns my heart.
If baseball owns her heart, why doesn’t she root for any baseball teams?
I will do almost anything to get to meet AJ Pierzynski again.
If she’ll stop blogging, I’ll make some phone calls.
He’s my absolute favorite and the reason my baseball obsession grew so drastically. I had always liked baseball a little growing up with a Cubs fan for a mom and a White Sox fan for a dad. But I never followed it voraciously until I went to a San Francisco Giants game before the All-Star Break in 2004.
She’s been following baseball for FOUR WHOLE SEASONS??? Amazing! I can see why she hates the Cubs so much. She must remember that classic Cubs-Sox game when Grace got picked off- No, wait. Well, she probably remembers that game when Estes got lit up at Wrigley- No, never mind. Well, how about the game when Alfonseca served up the walkoff- Damnit. What the hell has happened in the last four years?
All the big names were at the ASG, and I saw AJ.
Let me rewrite that sentence to clarify something:
“All the big names were at the ASG, and so was A.J. Pierzynski.”
I fell in love immediately.
Who can blame you?
Then he came to my beloved White Sox in 2005. It was meant to be. He’s now my personal form of crack or heroin or any other addictive drug. I think it’s better for me to be addicted to him rather than an actual drug that will hurt me or my future career. And he’s a much easier addiction to kick if necessary.
I know she’s only just learned about this “baseball” thing, but wouldn’t you think she’d be aware of the stereotypes regarding White Sox fans and black tar heroin?
There are a lot of random facts about me. Such as:
*My biggest pet peeve is bad spelling and grammar.
Noted and filed. When one makes a comment like this, one better make damn well sure to spell and grammar check the SHIT out of their blog post.
*I love living in San Diego, but Chicago will always be home.
I love the fact that she lives in San Diego, too.
*Sometimes my friends think I’m a male trapped in a female body.
And the other times, they think she’s just a male.
*I look like my mom, but I’m the biggest daddy’s girl.
Biggest, indeed.
*I’m coulrophobic, acrophobic, gephyrophobic, and partially entomophobic.
Also, grandiloquent.
*I like using big words, but I only use them if I know what they mean.
So, she’d say she’s not a macroverbumsciolist?
*I hate tooting my own horn, but I’m smarter than most everyone I know.
“I hate being a pompous bitch, but God DAMN am I a pompous bitch!”
*I complain a lot. Usually about stupid people and sports.
I wonder if she’s single.
*Ask me about anything. If I don’t know the answer or I don’t know how to help you, I’ll tell you.
You know, maybe this blog WOULD be a perfect replacement for the Muskbag.
*I’m an AMAZING listener.
And humble!
*I’ve been told I’m the funniest person some people have ever met.
I bet those people were just trying to get her into bed and have their way with- HA HA HA HA HA! I almost had it.
*I love dairy products, but dairy doesn’t love me.
Neither does A.J. Pierzynski. FACE!
*My sense of humor is ridiculous and sarcastic.
Is this a blog, or a fucking personals ad?
*I’ve learned in my short existence that I could care less what most people think about me.
YES! If you could care less, why don’t you, Miss “My biggest pet peeve is grammar”?
I know when I need to make a good impression. If people don’t like me because of my attitude or the ridiculous amount of sarcasm I use on a daily basis, that’s their own fault.
So, if we don’t like her because she’s an uppity bitch, it’s OUR fault? Seems fair.
*People who insult my weight and acne problem need to go play in traffic.
I honestly can’t read any more of that crap, but if you want to know what Jen is doing on a minute-by-minute basis, check out her Twitter page!
