Hire Jim Essian

Well, I guess the big news around here is that someone else is going to be signing my paychecks really soon. And that someone is J. Joe Ricketts. The team is supposedly going to be sold for $900M. That’s $9M for each year this team hasn’t won a World Series, if you’re into doing “math.” Rest assured that HJE is above Ricketts puns. Plus, we can’t think of any more after the Milton Bradley signing. Anyhow, here’s the Roundup.

• Bruce Miles thinks the front office likes the choice of Ricketts, so he throws a balloon filled with gasoline on the Jake Peavy rumors.
• Our good friend PAUL SULLIVAN surmises what the change of ownership might mean for the Friendly Confines.
• Speaking of which, those of you who complained about ads on the outfield wall at Wrigley Field might get your anger assuaged.
• For a park that’s nearly 100 years old, they sure do treat it like shit (thanks to Zach for the tip).
• The Hank White Fan Club is not happy that their hero signed with the Padres.
• How high was Rosendouche when he wrote this column? “Wonk”? “Wake the freak up”? Really?
• Yay! Next season, there will be one less cockbag in baseball. Unless, of course, Sosa comes out of retirement.
• Why in God’s name is anyone pretending that I would choose Kevin Gregg to close over Carlos Marmol? Never mind. I just saw the byline.
• TCR lists a bunch of people who won’t make the team.
• Looking for an easy way to spin an article about the Super Bowl into an article about the Cubs? No? Of course you’re not. Why in the hell would anyone want to do that?
• The four jerseys on the flagpoles might get some company this season, as there is talk of retiring #31 for Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux. There is still no talk of retiring #21 for Sosa, though I noticed they haven’t ruled out retiring it for Jason Marquis.
• Kerry Wood tries to make us all cry.
• The MLB finally wises up and realizes coin flips are idiotic, and a White Sox fan is immediately on the scene to cry about “unfairness.”
• Did we mention that yet another Chicago sports radio douchebag lost his job? Maybe ESPN 1000 finally realized that no one gave a shit what McNeil was grilling for dinner that night.
• Since you guys do about twelve hours a week as it is, maybe you should look into getting paid better for it.
• Finally, the Goat Riders are trying to compile a community list of projections for the Cubs players for the upcoming season. So, if you get off on predicting how many plate appearances Joey Gathright is going to have next year, go here.

That’s it for me, gang(bangers). I hear you’re going to have another cold weekend. I’ll think about you when I’m sipping margaritas on the beach and watching two chicks rub coconut oil all over each other’s bodies.

-Sweet Uncle Lou