Just when you thought ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball couldn’t get any worse, it does. ESPN has announced that Jon Miller and Joe Morgan will be joined by FORMER GENERAL MANAGER OF THE NEW YORK METS, Steve Phillips (thanks to Zach for the link). It has long baffled me that ESPN plays up Phillips’ former job. He got fired for an astonishing level of ineptitude. Soooooo, why keep bringing it up? “Hey, Steve, remember that job you got fired from? Wasn’t that around the same time that you were diagnosed with cancer, and you found out your wife was banging your brother? … What?”
I don’t know about you, but I ordinarily don’t even watch Sunday Night Baseball anymore unless the Cubs are playing. Miller’s over-pronunciation of Latin names, unusual pauses, and inexplicable hyper-excitability drive me nuts. Morgan’s total lack of preparation and smug, shameless self-promotion are even worse. If you’re into train wrecks, the addition of Phillips is nothing short of amazing. Let’s run down the colossal failures of Phillips: Mo Vaughn, Roberto Alomar, Pedro Astacio, Mike Bordick, Bobby Bonilla, Rickey Henderson, Kenny Rogers, Jeromy Burnitz, and Kazuo Matsui. Those guys would have all been great additions in 1996, 1999, 1993, never, 1990, 1980, 1995, 1997, and never. Unfortunately for Phillips, he added them in 2002, 2002, 2002, 2000, 1992, 1999, 1999, 2002, and 2004. So, he only missed having a decent team by about 48 years or so.
If you don’t want to bother watching a single pitch of Sunday Night Baseball, HJE is here to provide you with a quick synopsis of how every single broadcast will go.
MILLER: WELCOME! To another installment…of ESPN Sunday Night…Baseball? Sitting here alongside me are…Hall of Fame…second baseman? Yo Moor-GAIN! With us this…year is former general manager of the…New? York Mets. Stee-VEN FILL-yoops!
MORGAN: Thank, you, Jon. I’m glad to be here, on a field similar to the one on which I played when I played with the Big Red Machine with Johnny Bench, Pete Rose, Tony Perez, Babe Ruth, and Ted Williams.
MILLER: Fascinating?
PHILLIPS: That story reminds me of this one day when I was general manager of the New York Mets. Former All-Star catcher and formerly suspected homosexual until he married Playboy Playmate, Mike Piazza-
MORGAN: You know, Piazza and I were once on an episode of Married…With Children.
MILLER: That is one of the most amazing things…I’ve ever! Heard!
MORGAN: I had sex with Christina Applegate in between shooting scenes, way better than Ryne Sandberg would have.
PHILLIPS: Former owner of her own two breasts Christina Applegate?
MILLER: Crrrrrrrris-ta-NA. Ap-PELL-gah-tay?
MORGAN: That’s the one. That was right before I invented Sudoku.
MILLER: Soo-doo-QUO! Let’s take a quick break and go to Crease Bear-MAN in…the studio! For our ESPN? Update! Crease?
BERMAN: Every Tuesday, I pay a woman a thousand dollars to shove her fist up my ass! She’s a Lady “When I’m With You I’m Smiling” of the Night!
MILLER: Thank you? Crease!
MORGAN: Back when I played, Pedro Borbon used to pay a woman to hold a plastic bag over his face.
PHILLIPS: Former erotic-asphyxiator Pedro Borbon? I tried to sign him prior to the 1999 season to go along with former pitcher for the former Wild Card-winning New York Mets, Masato Yoshii.
MILLER: Mazz-a-TOE Yo-SHEE-ee-ee!
MORGAN: He won thirty-five games for the Mets during the 1999 season.
MILLER: Back to the game, I see…IT’S ENDED! About twenty? Minutes ago! THAT DOES IT! For this broadcast of ay-essay-pay-en ay, I am? Huan MEAL-er with Jo-ee Mire-gawn and Stee-eve File-oops. Good night, folks?
