Hire Jim Essian

Hey, gang! Thanks for  all of your birthday wishes yesterday. What? There were no birthday wishes on Hire Jim Essian yesterday? Don’t think I didn’t notice.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, Bad Kermit asked me to file a post yesterday in honor of my birthday. He also asked me to buy two overpriced hockey tickets that were behind a Pole! Didn’t he know that the last time I had to sit so close to Poles at Wrigley Field, I was sandwiched in between Mike Bielecki and Dick Pole.  Pole was trying to tell Bielecki something about his delivery, and all Bielecki (aka the Polish Prince) could do is respond with fifth-grade humor about his pitching coach’s name. Come to think of it, I joined in. It was great.

I guess I should have bought the tickets after hearing Kermit’s review of the afternoon.  But, it was my birthday, and I asked my family to BUY me the tickets for my birthday.  Why would I shell out five big ones for two seats when my ne’er do well children could just as easily shell out five big ones for the seats and give them to me?

At any rate, it’s my 58th birthday, and in honor of such a milestone, let me give you a weekly and yearly roundup with 58 items! First, of course, the weekly roundup:

• It’s so long to Mark DeRosa.
• And his versatility.
• And his “good clubhouse attitude.”
• It’s also sayonara to his soul-crushing double-play grounders that he hit into in 2007 and booted in 2008.
• Does this mean Jake Peavy is en route to Chicago?
• How about Brian Roberts?
• How about Milton Bradley? If it’s OK by Ryan Dempster, it’s OK by Kerm, I’m sure.
• Jason Marquis is reportedly en route to Colorado for Luis Vizcaino, but it hasn’t been made official yet.
• Buster Olney does not approve of Jim Hendry’s moves thus far. I don’t approve of anyone over 10 being called Buster, unless he’s a boxer or a dog. Or both.
• Buster Olney does approve of this, as do Hunter Hillenmeyer, Earl Bennett and Chris Williams.  If Vanderbilt can win a bowl game, why can’t the Cubs win a World Series next year?
• My old second baseman, Ryne Sandberg, made an appearance at Wrigley Field Thursday, along with Billy Williams and Fergie Jenkins.  Ryan Dempster, Kerry Wood, Rich Harden and Jeff Samardzija were all there. So was A.J. Pierzynski and Phil Nevin. I wasn’t. Good thing for A.J. and Nevin. Just ask Kirk Gibson.
• After the Blackhawks put on a great show in the first period, the Red Wings took over. Five unanswered goals. Wow.
• Not a bad idea from the Detroit Free-Press: host a sequel at Michigan Stadium in Ann Arbor.
• Mark Teixeira is the latest big Yankees signing.  The Cubs could have drafted Teixeira instead of Mark Prior, we all know. At least Mark Prior once told the Yankees to go scratch.
• Ray Burris was a teammate of mine in Oakland in 1984. He was actually the ace of our staff, and I caught him often.  So I was thrilled to hear that your governor appointed him to the Senate.  Oh, that’s Roland Burris? Nevermind.
• Cardinals fans are the best in sports? Think again.
• It’s ice fishing season, so this is no surprise, either.
• Hip surgery will not push you any closer to retirement. Just ask Joe Paterno Barry Bonds.
• Why couldn’t any of my trainers look like this instead of like John Fiero? Oh, that’s not terribly attractive? How about this instead?
• No one has beaten Utah. They are 3-0 against top 25 BCS teams (as opposed to Florida, which is 2-1). They beat Alabama by a bigger margin than Florida.  Yet, they can’t be national champions?
• Northwestern was a missed extra point from beating Missouri. One of these days, they’ll win a bowl game.
• The Bears had all the pieces in place to make the playoffs, but their defense took last Sunday off.
• How bad was the defense? So bad that they want to hire coaching personnel from the only 0-16 team in NFL history.
• Next week, they’ll announce the members of the Hall of Fame Class of 2009. I played and managed a few of the candidates: Harold Baines, Bert Blyleven, Andre Dawson, Mark Grace and Rickey Henderson. Maybe next time, the Veteran’s Committee will induct me.
• Sports Corner is no more. It was torn down on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, neither Ronnie Wickers nor John Murray were in it when it was demolished.  Sports Corner was once the site of a legendary barroom confrontation:
• The MLB Network kicked off Thursday.
• Kathy Griffin isn’t funny, and she doesn’t visit Al Yellon at work.
• I guess there are mitigating reasons to roll through a stop sign.

That’s it for the weekly roundup. Let’s recap 2008. What are our top 20 stories?

1. Barack Obama, a Chicagoan, was elected 44th President of the United States. Mike D. concludes that Obama is not a meth addict despite his allegiance to the White Sox.
2. Rod Blagojevich, a Chicagoan, was arrested by federal marshals after several wiretapped phone calls indicated some wrongdoing.
3. A bunch of companies got their BAILOUT.
4. Jay Mariotti got his three-year contract extension in June. He quit in August.
5. The company that signs Sweet Uncle Lou’s paycheck (and used to sign my paycheck) filed for bankruptcy. Be sure your checks still clear, Lou!
6. The Cubs won the most games in a season in 63 years, and then… aw, forget it.
7. Kerry Wood moved on.
8. I knew that Jim Lefebvre, the guy who replaced me as Cubs manager, was a dirty Communist. This year, he managed the COMMUNIST Chinese baseball team. And his team tried to brawl with the Americans. Since Armenia didn’t qualify for the Olympics, let me just chant U-S-A! U-S-A!
9. Studs Terkel passed on.
10. Client No. 9 was ex-New York Governor Elliot Spitzer.
11. Greg Maddux hung up his spikes after 22 remarkable seasons.
12. A hurricane devastated Houston, moving a Cubs-Astros series from Minute Maid Park to Miller Park, where Carlos Zambrano threw his first no-hitter.  (Ted Lilly, by the way, had no-hit stuff in the second game.) Oh, and in Houston they blamed Bud Selig.
13. Minnesota-Iowa football games are more fun than you think.
14. Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers changed his allegiances.
15. The Cubs snubbed me again in favor of Ryne Sandberg.
16. Scott Eyre gets a World Series ring. Carlos Zambrano doesn’t.
17. The Devil Rays got good. Really.
18. How’d that undefeated season turn out for the Patriots?
19. Jim Edmonds gave Elias Coblentz fits. And we sort of liked Lassie in the end.
20. Brett Favre got compared to O.J. Simpson. In 2008, O.J. went to prison, and Favre went to play for the Jets. So, yeah, I guess that’s a good comparison.

Finally, let’s do a  Best-of-HJE 2008. The best posts of the year:

• 10. Mike D. looks into the mind of the White Sox fan.  A couple months later, Kermit banishes the Sox from his thoughts.
• 9. Bad Kermit channels Clark Clement Moore Al Yellon.
• 8.  Our friend Aldolfo does the roundup. (Here he is in his bunker prior to the Roundup.)
• 7. Brixen Ivy will let anyone onto its rooftop. You just can’t cheer.
• 6. Reaction to the Cubs’ moves from a fan’s basement.
• 5. If you’ve never listened to the Cubs pregame show on WGN-AM, Kermit makes it unnecessary for you to do so.
• 4. I know it’s two posts, but: tHom and Marty Brennaman don’t deserve more the one spot.
• 3. Amid speculation that Bob Brenly was leaving, the best suggestion yet for his replacement.
• 2. Meet the Mend My Heart Guy. And his lawyer.
• 1. Kermit meets Jim Hendry.

That’s it for now. Here’s to a Happy 2009, and let’s hope that the Cubs right the wrong they committed after 1991 and bring me back this season.