Hire Jim Essian

Hello, everyone. This is guest blogger Aldolf, Founder and Editor-in-Chief of one of the most critically-acclaimed Cubs blogs on the internet. If you’re wondering why I’m doing the Roundup this week, click here. It’s Friday once again, my flock. And you know what that means? It means I’m going to spend the night unhappy and totally alone, watching a VHS tape of the magical 1984 San Diego Padres playoff comeback. I was proud that the Cubs were part of such an historic piece of baseball lore, and even prouder that I wrote a one-hundred page summary of my thoughts regarding that final amazing Game Five and dropped copies of those pages from the top of the WGN building onto the people below. Autographed copies of that mystical piece of parchment are available if you send a $25 money order to me. Oh, and it’s also time for the Roundup.

• Ronny “ONEDEC” Cedeno is recovering from the flu. [LINK REMOVED] Now, if he could only recover from his other sickness. The bad ballplayer virus!
• The Indians introduced Kerry Wood as their new closer. [LINK REMOVED] Let’s hope they didn’t introduce Wood to a woodchuck! I don’t want him to get chucked!
• There are actually multiple teams interested in Derrick Turnbow. [LINK REMOVED] Interested in him for what? Starting a band called “A Bunch of Shaggy Haired Guys Who Play Rock and Roll”?
• Former Cubs closer Dave Smith died at age 53. [LINK REMOVED] There was nothing better than sitting in the bleachers and watching scrappy, well-respected opponents claw their way back into a game with Dave on the mound.
• DC Comics’ “Hellblazer” is going to have an upcoming comic book about breaking the Cubs’ curse. [LINK REMOVED] I think this is a fantastic idea. The Cubs cannot win a championship until the curse is lifted, so why not give it a shot?
• The Cubs might be pursuing Derek Lowe, who tortured them in the playoffs last fall. [LINK REMOVED] If he becomes a Cub, I’m sure he’ll be terrible, because that’s what happens to the Cubs!
• Brian Giles batters his wife. [LINK REMOVED] It looks like he’s a “batter” in more than one way!
• Cesar Izturis signed a two-year deal with the Orioles. [LINK REMOVED] That is almost exactly two more years than I would have given him!
• The Cubs are adding some Spring Training games with the White Sox to the schedule. [LINK REMOVED] I love those games, because you know that a Chicago team is going to win!
• Prospective students at the Kellogg School of Management at Northwestern were probably thrilled to get their acceptance letters. [LINK REMOVED] They were probably less thrilled when they received follow-up letters that said that the aforementioned acceptance letters were actually originally meant to be rejection letters.
• A pediatric doctor was shocked to find a foot in a newborn’s brain. [LINK REMOVED] I bet there was a lot of confusion as to whether a pediatrician or a podiatrist was supposed to do the operation.

That’s it for me, my little group-thinkers. I need to get ready to ban a bunch of you as a preemptive strike against any conflicting opinions you might put forth.

-Aldolf