Hire Jim Essian

There aren’t a whole lot of things you can say about Greg Maddux which Kermit didn’t already say. But this Roundup is going to be dedicated to the Ph.D. of pitchers, anyhow. Thanks for all of the memories, Greg. Here’s the Roundup:

• If HJE hasn’t done a good enough job professing our man love for Maddux, is it okay if we just “ditto” everything Dolan said? Whaddya mean, “That’s what an spinoff does, anyhow”?
• The Fanhouse is taking Kermit’s argument juuuuust a bit further.
• Mike Maddux must really feel like an asshole during family get-togethers. If I were Greg, I’d wear my Cy Young(s) around my neck at Thanksgiving dinner.
• Maddux was also more quotable than some might have expected of such a soft-spoken guy.
• Milton Bradley might be a good fit for us, as long as we don’t go near him, talk to him, look at him, or mention that he’s on the team to him.
• Now begins the “shitty ex-Cub” portion of today’s Roundup. First off, is Matt Clement signing with Toronto. Those Canucks will have to bust out their chin beards and skidmarked underwear to make The Amish One feel welcome.
• Next, we have Kyle Farnsworth signing with the Royals. That’s great news for both of the bars in Kansas City.
• You know it’s almost time to retire when even Omar Minaya realizes you suck.
• There are people FIGHTING over Jerry Hairston, Jr.? This is just like that time two dudes got into a bar fight over Maggie Gyllenhaal. No, wait. That never happened.
• The only thing funnier than the earlier rumor that Jason Marquis might end up on Colorado is the prospect that Glendon Rusch might end up in Colorado.
• Corey Patterson has decided that Scott Boras hasn’t found enough ways to spin “my client is horrible at baseball.”
• He’s not shitty, but Kerry Wood IS an ex-Cub. And now he’s an Indian.
• If you thought shady Illinois politics wouldn’t affect your favorite hobby (no, not masturbating), you were wrong.
• The guy in charge of our ticket prices must not have watched the playoffs last year.
• Baseball tries to de-stupid one of its stupidest rules. Again.
• Eric Karros might soon be out of a job. Might I recommend a new career as a Pantene model?
• After all these years, you can finally rest assured that Billy Ripken is not actually a fuck face.
• The Onion weighs in on the Tribune bankruptcy.
• Al Yellon is trying his hand at comedy. Apparently, he’s graduated from stealing from other sites to stealing from his own commenters. I think it’s about time for the rest of you religious holdouts to admit that there is no God. (Thanks to Luis and Zach for the tips.)
• Ozzie Guillen is still a dickhole. To be fair, though, Javier Vazquez is a whiny little bitch.
• I have no clever way to set it up, but thanks to Slaky for this clip. Just watch it.
• Was I the only one who was actually sick on Wednesday, but went in to work, anyhow?
• HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU GET A JOB LIKE THIS? “How was your day today, honey?” “It was fine. I spent the entire day measuring the bounce of bouncing titties.”

That’s all for me, wieners. Try not to do anything embarrassing this weekend.

-Sweet Uncle Lou