Hire Jim Essian

EDIT: It’s come to my attention from my good friend PAUL SULLIVAN (through Dolan) that Carrie Muskat’s father recently passed away. I know I have my fun at Carrie’s expense on a weekly basis, but mine and I hope your thoughts and prayers are with the Muskat family in their time of grief.

Oh, hey, I forgot to say happy Thanksgiving to all of you. Maybe it’s because I’m part Native American, so I hate all of your ancestors for raping my ancestors’ women, stealing their land, mocking their many gods, and coughing on their men. That, and I think turkey and the Cowboys are overrated. Nevertheless, thanks for showing up here every once in a while to ignore the articles and make fun of me. I hate the holidays. Anyhow, I am thankful for this week’s Muskbag.

Just saw rumors about a trade involving Mike Fontenot. Why would the Cubs trade someone so versatile and who plays as well as anybody else every time he was called up?
– Jose G., Chicago

Has anyone else noticed that the Muskrat has been taking more questions from people from the Chicago area, yet the questions have gotten no less stupid? Does this mean that Cubs fans from Chicago are just as stupid as Cubs fans from Kansas? My mind is blown.

CARRIE: You must be talking about the rumors which have the Cubs sending Fontenot and lefty Sean Marshall to the Royals for Mark Teahen. Why Fontenot? Because you have to trade something of value to get something of value.

Or, in the instant case, you have to trade a decent, bad-fielding backup player to get a really crappy “starter.”

CARRIE: The Royals are trying to find middle-infield help and the Cubs are looking for a left-handed hitter who can play outfield, which is what sparked the talk. Teahen batted .255 last season with 15 homers, 31 doubles and 59 RBIs, and he can play first, third and the outfield. However, Teahen isn’t as hot an item on the Cubs’ wish list as the rumors may have you believe. Keep reading.

Every time I ask myself why the hell I’m a Cubs fan, I have to remind myself that at least I’m not a Royals fan. Can you imagine if the Cubs were looking for middle infield help, and their solution was to offer arbitration to Mark Grudzielanek and try to trade for Mike Fontenot? I would bet even the most die-hard of Royals fans hasn’t even heard of Mike Fontenot. I mean, be honest here. How much do you know about Alberto Callaspo, the Royals’ backup second baseman in 2008?

If we want a big lefty bat, why aren’t we looking at Adam Dunn? His OBP and 40-plus home runs are off the charts, and he has always been a beast at Wrigley. I know about his defense, but offense was the issue in the NLDS.
– Justin H., Denver

I can’t speak for Jim Hendry or any other Cubs fans, but the sole reason I don’t want Dunn is because the sight of him in a Cubs uniform will bring a modicum of joy to the dreary, pathetic existence of the tweeners at the four-letter. You know me, guys. I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my nerds paaaaaaaathetic!

CARRIE: Dunn plays left field, not right, and the Cubs already have Alfonso Soriano in left and are committed to him for six more years. I apologize to regular Mailbag readers for repeating this, but the Cubs did post the best record in the National League last year, did lead the Major Leagues in run differential, and did rank second in the Majors in runs scored. The lineup doesn’t need much tweaking. General manager Jim Hendry is looking for players who can help in the postseason, but the emphasis is on finding the most productive lineup for 162 games.

Of all the crimes that Carrie has committed against her regular readers, THIS is what she apologizes for? Repeating that the Cubs were pretty good at offense next year? Nothing about the insanely stupid questions? Nothing about the factual inaccuracies? Nothing about the totally irrelevant and uninteresting responses? Nothing about the fact that Ed Hartig is a shell of his former self and is now addicted to methadone?

Will the Cubs offer Kerry Wood salary arbitration?
– Berin J., Freeport, Ill.

No, they didn’t, and that pisses me off.

CARRIE: They are expected to offer Wood arbitration. Wood is rated a Type A free agent, and by offering him arbitration, the Cubs will guarantee themselves two Draft picks if he signs with another team.

WRONG!

With Wood’s career as a Cub all but over, who is now the longest-tenured Cub?
– Wayne G., Elgin, Ill.

Ronnie Woo-Woo. Or did he mean the longest-tenured Cub who has never taken a shit in a mayonnaise jar?

CARRIE: Carlos Zambrano has the longest service time with the team. Big Z made his Major League debut with the Cubs in 2001.

He also has the longest- well, you know.

I have a question no one can seem to answer — are the Cubs looking to re-sign Jim Edmonds? He seems to be good for his age and the Cubs seem to be showing no interest.
– Mike G., Chicago

I like to picture Mike G. standing on the Green Line asking random passengers, “Are the Cubs looking to re-sign Jim Edmonds?” The first few people just look at him harmlessly with a confused expression, but the last guy he asks puts a shiv into his neck.

CARRIE: The Cubs ended the season on good terms with Edmonds, but he has yet to decide if he’s going to play in ‘09 or retire. Personally, I don’t see him coming back.

If that’s the case, and Edmonds’ Cub career is indeed over, I’d like to thank him for all those times I jumped up out of my seat cheering during the 2008 NLDS after Edmonds connected with the ball, only to watch it sail majestically to the warning track and land in a Dodger glove.

Are the Jake Peavy talks on or off? I hear Lou Piniella and you say it’s over, then on Nov. 26, there’s a quote from Padres GM Kevin Towers saying they’ve found a third team and now are looking to deal with the Cubs after the Thanksgiving holiday. What’s going on?
– Dan W., Des Moines, Iowa

Let’s break this question down: (1) Are the Jake Peavy talks on or off? (2) Here is an example of two people talking about a possible Peavy trade. (3) Here is an example of another person talking about a possible Peavy trade. (4) I am still unaware that my question is stupid.

CARRIE: The Padres want another team to get into the talks so they can unload Peavy and his contract, and the latest rumor has the Baltimore Orioles entering the discussion. That, of course, means more Brian Roberts talk. Again, I was told the Cubs went into this offseason knowing they could re-sign Ryan Dempster or trade for Peavy, but not do both. Piniella has said the same thing. Let’s just say talks are ongoing.

Let’s also say that Carrie was most likely dead wrong. It just has a nice ring to it.

I saw a clip where Jeff Samardzija mentioned his interest in joining the starting rotation. What are the odds this could be a possibility in 2009? If he can pitch as well as a starter as he did as a reliever in ‘08, then that move would give the Cubs a solid rotation with Dempster, Zambrano, Samardzija and [Jason] Marquis or [Rich] Hill.
– Bruce D., Columbia, S.C.

Holy shit, dude. Not only is Ted Lilly going to be wearing your face as a ski mask by this time next week, but also, a four-man rotation that includes RICH HILL OVER RICH HARDEN???

CARRIE: He does want to start and that will likely be his role as his career progresses, but I don’t know if he’ll be ready in 2009. Samardzija is young — 23 years old — and has pitched in fewer than 100 games combined in the big leagues and the Minors. What the Cubs are looking at is what’s best for him and best for the team. Many young pitchers are eased into the big leagues by using them in relief, as Samardzija was last season. Also, you forgot pitchers Ted Lilly, Rich Harden and Marshall for the Cubs’ rotation.

What Carrie is saying is that the Cubs are looking at what’s best for Samardzija and best for the team, and what that is, is hard to define.

And with that, another Muskbag is in the books. I am thankful for that. And for leftover stuffing.