Hire Jim Essian

This week’s Muskbag somehow manages to revisit Rich Hill. No one revisits Rich Hill. Rich Hill isn’t even going to have visitors at his house for Thanksgiving. But the Muskbag has all the Rich Hill coverage you could possibly want.

I’ve been hearing that the Cubs are trying to shop Kosuke Fukudome. I’m not sure why they’re trying to do this. He came from where they play [140] games a year over in Japan, and then coming over here to America and they play 162 games. I think they should give him at least one more year to see if he does any better.
– Josh E., Springfield, Ill.

Kosuke had 501 at-bats as a Cub last year. He was injured during the 2007 season in Japan, but he had 515 and 496 at-bats in the two seasons prior to that. Those numbers are close to his 2008 numbers, and the MLB isn’t exactly an instructional league. But by all means, let’s see if the starting right fielder was just going through a “spinning in circles every time he sees an inside breaking ball” phase.

CARRIE: Not sure where that rumor started about wanting to deal Fukudome, but I’ve been told by several sources that it’s not true.

Those sources? A fortune cookie, a talking dog, and some guy from high school who posted it on her Facebook wall.

CARRIE: Fukudome will be the player to watch in ‘09.

Oh, good. I’ll just close my eyes when all of the Cubs’ GOOD players are playing.

CARRIE: If he can hit as he did in Japan, he could stay in right field and the Cubs could platoon Reed Johnson and Felix Pie in center.

Of course, if he could hit like he did in Japan, he probably would have tried to do so LAST year.

The Cubs obviously need another lefty-hitting outfielder. I don’t think trading for one is the answer because I would be reluctant to get rid of Mike Fontenot or some other valuable bench player. Have the Cubs looked at Mark Kotsay? He fits mostly of what we need. He’s a career .282 hitter, hits about 15-20 home runs a season, plays excellent defense, and can play a variety of positions.
– Steve M., Chicago

Oh, so many things wrong with this question.

1. Now that Daryle Ward is gone, what “valuable bench player” is on the team other than Mike Fontenot, and why in the world would the Cubs ever be unwilling to part with a BENCH PLAYER?
2. “He fits mostly of what we need.” You form structure badly of questions we asked.
3. Kotsay has never hit more than 17 home runs in a season, and that was way back in 2002.
4. Kotsay is like the left-handed bad version of Mark DeRosa.

CARRIE: Kotsay’s versatility is a plus, but I don’t think you can expect 15-20 home runs. His personal high was 17 in 2002, and he hit seven in 2006, one in ‘07 and six last year.

Holy shit, I agree. Of course, I didn’t post this kid’s question just so I could make fun of the guy, and I don’t see any reason to bring up Mark Kotsay other than to say, “You know who I hope the Cubs don’t acquire this offseason? Mark Kotsay.”

CARRIE: He’s also had some back problems. As for finding the perfect left-handed bat, the Cubs may not add a big name, or anyone. This was a pretty good offensive team in 2008 — with five players with at least 20 homers (not counting Jim Edmonds, who hit 19 with the team) and four players with at least 80 RBIs (Alfonso Soriano had 75) — that won 97 games.

“Pretty good offensive team” = Scored more runs than any other NL team by a wide margin, and had a team .278/.354/.443 line in 2008 with a suck hole in right field for much of the year, with Derrek Lee hitting like Black Mark Grace, and with Alfonso Soriano missing a significant amount of time. This is a “pretty bad Muskbag.”

What are the chances Ken Griffey Jr. could play for the Cubs? I remember hearing he wouldn’t mind playing for the Cubs last year. The White Sox declined his option, plus he’s a right fielder, bats left-handed and still has some power. I doubt he’d be that expensive.
– Robert M., Orange Park, Fla.

This again? Seriously? The only thing that would be worse than watching Griffey eat his way out of baseball would be allowing him to run headfirst into a brick wall at Wrigley, and just letting the ivy grow over his corpse.

CARRIE: Griffey batted .249 with the White Sox and Reds combined last season, and at this point in his career is probably better suited to an American League team so he could be used as the designated hitter.

Yes, he’s better suited as a designated hitter, as he proved last year with the Cincinnati Reds. Oh, by the way, Griffey had a better OPS with the Reds last year than with the White Sox. That means nothing, but neither did her answer, so there you go.

With Ryan Dempster back, why would the Cubs stop the Jake Peavy trade talks with San Diego? You could trade Jason Marquis and have, no doubt, the best pitching staff in MLB. I think they do have the best pitching staff, but it would be even better with Peavy.
– Justin P., Davenport, Iowa

“You could trade Jason Marquis…” BWAHAHAHAHA! Why hasn’t Jim Hendry thought of that? It’s so simple! They could just TRADE Marquis! Perhaps for a goose that lays golden eggs or for some magic beans!

CARRIE: The Padres are trying to cut costs, and acquiring Marquis wouldn’t do that. He’s owed $9.875 million in 2009. The Cubs headed into the offseason knowing they could afford either Dempster or Peavy, but not both.

Also, it’s impossible for the Cubs to pick up part of Marquis’ contract. There’s a rule against that in baseball, or something. Something about a cap. Or is it that they WEAR caps? I don’t know. I got my head caught in a plastic bag last night, and I think my brain was without oxygen for a good four or five minutes.

After signing Dempster, I feel our rotation is fine where it is. What I believe we need to make a push to the World Series is a veteran like Manny Ramirez. It’s the same atmosphere as Boston. If we can sign him, we can plug him into left, move Soriano to second, and as for Mark DeRosa, we can place him in right. For the left-handed hitter, we could maybe trade for David DeJesus from Kansas City in center. Do you think this can be a possibility?
– James M., Berwyn, Ill.

After the current rotation went 0-5 in the past two postseasons, it has the rest of the National League RIGHT WHERE IT WANTS THEM! NO ONE is going to suspect that they will ever win another postseason game, and THAT’S when they’ll strike! BOLD PREDICTION: The Cub rotation goes 1-3 this postseason.

Can you imagine a world where Manny Ramirez is trying to cut down a guy stretching a single into a double, and Alfonso Soriano is the guy covering second? That’s a world not worth living in, brother.

*Thanks a hell of a lot to RV, who stole my “It’s good to know that James understands that the atmosphere is 78% nitrogen, whether you’re in Boston or Chicago” before I even had a chance to make it.

CARRIE: No. Just as there is no room in the Cubs’ payroll for Peavy, there is definitely no room for Ramirez. And Soriano is in the outfield for a reason. In five seasons as a second baseman, he averaged 21 errors. DeRosa is a good outfielder, but he’ll be the first to tell you he’s a better second baseman.

I am hoping beyond hope that the Cubs get Peavy for many reasons, but the biggest reason is so that Carrie has to eat a big shitburger for all the “no way are they getting Peavy AND Dempster” nonsense she’s been spouting.

Is it possible we will see Rich Hill during the 2009 season?
– Matt M., Chicago

Yeah. It’s also possible that everyone in my family will get into a horrendous car accident, but why the hell would I want to see THAT happen?

CARRIE: It depends on how Hill progresses this winter and spring. He’s pitching in Venezuela this winter and has gone 1-2 with a 7.45 ERA in six sarts. The Cubs would definitely like to have the lefty back. He led the team in strikeouts in 2007. But they’re also not counting on him.

1-2 with a 7.45 ERA, and apparently Hill has six cases of SARS? That doesn’t sound good at all. Or am I misinterpreting that typo?

What does it mean when you say Pie is out of options? You’ve written this several times but I’ve never seen an explanation as to why, or what implications this may have. Please explain.
– Jeremy D., Chicago

It means if he doesn’t make the team this year, he gets sent to a deserted island, where he will be hunted for sport by a spear-wielding Roosevelt Brown. And you’ll be able to watch from the comfort of your living room on FOX next fall.

CARRIE: What it means is that Pie has been on the Cubs’ 40-man roster during three different seasons. The 2009 season will be his fourth as a pro, and if he is sent down to the Minor Leagues again, he’ll have to clear waivers.

And what THAT coherent paragraph means is that Ed Hartig has gotten his message out to the world that he is alive, and that he could use fresh water.

CARRIE: Let me try to explain:

::Sets up folding chair::
::Sits down::
::Orders peanuts and a beer::
::Waits eagerly::

CARRIE: After three years as a pro, a player must be protected on a team’s 40-man roster or he is eligible for the Rule 5 Draft. Once the player has served those three years, and assuming he is added to the 40-man roster, the club then has what are called “options.” If a player is on the 40-man roster but not on the 25-man Major League roster (like when Pie was at Triple-A Iowa last year), he is on what’s technically called an “optional assignment.” Players have three option years, and can be sent up and down to the Minors as many times as the parent club chooses within those three years.

Pie was added to the Cubs’ 40-man roster prior to the 2006 season, so his three option years were 2006, ‘07 and ‘08. He’s now out of options. If he comes to Spring Training in ‘09 and does not make the big league roster, the Cubs would have to put him on waivers if they want to send him to the Minor Leagues. That’s even more complicated than options, and bottom line is the Cubs would likely lose him to another team that could claim him.

::Forgets everything he knew about the option system::

Kerry Wood, thanks for the memories. My oldest son shares the same B-day as you — June 16, 1994. My youngest son was born May 6, 1998, and my wife and I watched the whole 20-strikeout game while she was having contractions. We were cheering every strikeout (I still say it was a no-hitter). Thanks for all the loyal years with the Cubs. We need more loyalty in sports these days.
– Pat D., Rockford, Ill.

KERRY WOOD IS ONLY FOURTEEN YEARS OLD??? WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY TRY TO RE-SIGN HIM???

J-Kerm, I’m putting this in writing right now. If I ever impregnate you, and if I ever demand that we watch a Cubs game while a watermelon-sized human being is doing everything in its power to force its way out of your vagina, I give you my solemn oath that when you hold a pillow over my face after I fall asleep that night, I will not struggle one bit.

Besides, that’s what TiVo is for.

CARRIE: Just curious — did you call your youngest son “Kid K?”

She’s here all season, folks. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.