Muskbag: The Movie
You know, this week’s Muskbag doesn’t HAVE to be boring. It can have action, fun, and intrigue, if we really want it to. Hey, let’s make a movie out of it.
INT.–DAY–CARRIE MUSKAT’S OFFICE
CARRIE MUSKAT, a matronly woman anywhere from sixty- to eighty-years-old sits behind her desk, a warped folding table. ED HARTIG sits in a large birdcage suspended from the ceiling. There is a knock at the door.
CARRIE: Come in.
REED JOHNSON enters, wearing Ron Santo’s toupee and a bald cap over his chin where his soul patch normally features. Reed speaks in a high falsetto and holds a finger over his upper lip to give himself the appearance of a mustache.
REED: Why, helloooooooo, Carrie!
CARRIE: What is it, mysterious stranger?
REED: Why, I just had a question for this week’s delightful installment of the Mailbag.
Carrie sighs.
CARRIE: What is it?
REED: Why haven’t the Cubs shown more interest in making Reed Johnson an everyday player or at least part of a steady platoon? All he did was give a spark to the team when the big three (Alfonso Soriano, Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez) were all flat. Did he even get an at-bat in the playoffs?
Carrie looks at Ed through the bars of his cage. Ed returns her gaze through terror-filled eyes. He shakes his head once, quickly.
CARRIE: No, Johnson didn’t get an at-bat in the National League Division Series, but that was because the Dodgers never called on a left-handed pitcher.
REED: That’s such bullshi- I mean- How very interesting!
CARRIE: If the Cubs move Kosuke Fukudome to center, he could share playing time in a platoon with Johnson, who has a career .313 average against lefties and .268 against right-handers. Last year was Johnson’s first after back surgery. If he’s healthy and produces, he’ll play.
Reed pulls a handkerchief from his back pocket and coughs into it. He sees blood. He looks down at the handkerchief, then up at Carrie, then back down at the handkerchief, then up at Ed. Ed draws his finger slowly from one side of his neck to the other, an evil grin on his face. Reed screams and runs out of the office, just as ANDREW A. FROM SUMITON, ALABAMA enters.
ANDREW: What’s gotten into Reed?
CARRIE: That wasn’t Reed, that was just some guy with a stupid question ABOUT Reed.
ANDREW: Oh.
CARRIE: Easy mistake. I make it all the time. What can I do for you?
ANDREW: Well, after looking at Team USA’s potential roster, I noticed not one member of the Cubs was listed. Will the Cubs organization allow their players to play in the World Baseball Classic this March? If so, who will potentially be representing their country?
An overhead projector screen on the wall suddenly flaps up. Behind it is a picture of a world map.
Carrie quickly rushes over to the overhead screen, pulls it down, and ties it around the neck of a Terror Dog sleeping beneath it. Carrie rushes back to her desk, straightens her tightly-wound bun, and sits back down, catching her breath as she answers.
CARRIE: Who will represent the Cubs has yet to be determined. The Cubs did have players participate in the first World Baseball Classic in 2006, including Lee and Michael Barrett-
Ed suddenly begins screaming and holding his hands to the sides of his head. Carrie rushes over to his suspended cage.
CARRIE: It’s okay, Ed. It’s okay. Barrett’s not here. He can’t hurt you anymore.
Carrie pulls a dead fish from a bucket beneath Ed’s cage and tosses it through the bars of his cage to him. He catches it in his mouth and swallows it without chewing. Carrie returns to her desk.
CARRIE: As I was saying, Lee and Barrett played on Team USA, and Carlos Zambrano and Henry Blanco on Team Venezuela. Lee suffered a bruised shoulder in an early game against Japan in ’06 and that’s the risk the parent club has to weigh. Zambrano has said he doesn’t want to pitch in the 2009 event because he doesn’t want to risk injury.
Ed lets out a loud belch, filling the room with the stink of the dead fish. Andrew gags, covers his mouth, and runs out of the room, bumping into ALEX A. OF OAK PARK, ILLINOIS, who has just stepped into the doorway. Alex looks over his should as the fleeing Andrew disappears down the hall before shrugging and entering the room.
ALEX: I see that Brian Fuentes and Billy Wagner are free agents. Will the Cubs consider going after them to lock up the bullpen with Kerry Wood at closer, Fuentes/Wagner at setup and Carlos Marmol in the seventh-inning setup?
Carrie sighs loudly, stands up, grabs a lab coat from a nearby coat rack, slips it on, and walks over to a laboratory hidden behind a partition and filled with microscopes, test tubes, and Erlenmeyer flasks containing colorful, bubbling chemicals. Several rhesus monkeys scream from their cages. Carrie grabs what appears to be an actual human skeleton and points at the elbow.
CARRIE: First, Wagner has a torn ligament in his elbow and may not pitch again. That’s not an option. Second, the Cubs have to re-sign Wood, who is a free agent and will be courted by several teams this offseason. If Wood doesn’t return, Marmol may take over the closer duties. And before you ask, don’t even get me started on the difficulties inherent in trying to accelerate the human growth process in order to create an entire bullpen full of Carlos Marmol clones.
Carrie gestures toward one of the rhesus monkey cages, in which a rhesus monkey the size of a silverback gorilla has been crammed. Alex gets closer to the monkey’s cage to peer at the sleeping monkey. Just as Alex gets his face up to the cage, the monkey awakens, and its eyes fly open, blazing fire at Alex. Startled, Alex staggers back from the cage, but it is too late. With a mighty flex of its muscles, the monkey explodes from the cage, roars, and grabs Alex.
Carrie grabs a tranquilizer rifle from a nearby table and turns back to the monkey just in time to see him bite the head from Alex’s body. The monkey roars again, foam and gore spraying from its enormous mouth. Carrie brings the rifle up, but the monkey turns and leaps through the office window, sending a sparkle of shattered glass into the street below. Carrie runs to the window, rifle in hand, but the monkey has already carried Alex’s lifeless body into the night.
CARRIE: Damnit. Ed, we need to order a new cage.
Ed nods as RYAN C. FROM VERNON HILLS, ILLINOIS enters the office. He looks at the broken cage and the broken window. He begins singing to the tune of “Carol of the Bells.”
RYAN: I don’t understand,
Why MLB,
Does not want,
Mark Cuban,
To buy the Cubs.
So far, I have,
Not heard one good,
Reason as to why,
He is not qualified.
In my opinion, he is more than,
Qualified. And, he has money,
Obviously,
And has a pas-
Sion for winning,
That the other,
Candidates don’t.
What’s your opinion,
On this matter?
Carrie looks at Ryan for a long time. Her hand drops to the side of her smart pantsuit, and she abruptly pulls a bandanna out of her pocket. She ties the bandanna around her head and raps as Ed lays down a beatbox.
CARRIE: There have been unidentified “sources” who say Major League Baseball doesn’t want Cuban to buy the team. But until someone official from either Major League Baseball or the Tribune Co. says he’s eliminated, Cuban is still in contention. The problem now isn’t finding the right person, it’s finding the financing to complete the deal.
Ryan dances out of the room, taking a moment to deeply dip and kiss LYNN S. FROM WEST BRANCH, IOWA, who has just walked into the doorway. Carrie has seated herself in a large leather chair, with her back to the door. Lynn approaches the chair warily, freezing at the sound of Carrie’s voice.
CARRIE: Can I help you? You look lost.
Lynn looks around, but sees no mirrors.
LYNN: I’m- I’m Lynn.
CARRIE: I know who you are. What do you want?
LYNN: Living in Iowa-
CARRIE: No wonder you look lost.
LYNN: Yes, well, living in Iowa, I see lots of the Peoria Chiefs and Iowa Cubs. Any word on Minor League coaching staffs? Iowa Cubs skipper Pat Listach got snagged by the Nats, so there’s a vacancy. Will Ryne Sandberg be back in Peoria for a third year or stay in Arizona? Jody Davis just won the Florida State League. Could he move up to Des Moines?
The leather chair swivels until Carrie is facing Lynn. A large calico cat sits on Carrie’s lap, and she pets it as she looks Lynn up and down.
CARRIE: There will likely be an announcement about the Cubs’ Minor League coaching assignments during the Winter Meetings, which are Dec. 8-11.
LYNN: Thank you, Ms. Muskat.
Lynn turns and begins walking toward the door.
CARRIE: And congrats to Listach on his new job.
Lynn freezes, then looks back at Carrie.
LYNN: How did you know-
CARRIE: Why, because you just told me, Lynn.
LYNN: Oh, yeah. Right.
Lynn exits, as suddenly a bunch of left-wing terrorists rappel down the side of Carrie’s building and break through her office windows into the room. The leader, DREW D. FROM ROCK ISLAND, ILLINOIS, steps forward.
DREW: With Barack Obama being elected President of the United States, do you believe his support for the White Sox will encourage the Cubs to have a more active offseason in order to be the best team in Chicago in ’09?
Carrie looks at the group with hate in her eyes.
DREW: Answer me, infidel!
Carrie leans back in her chair and stretches her arms over her head. As her arms come down, she withdraws two large katanas. She throws one at the chain suspending Ed’s birdcage. The chain breaks, and Ed’s cage crashes to the ground, spilling him out. He is immediately on his feet, pulling a small dagger from his waistband. He spins the nearest terrorist around and slits his throat. The terrorist falls to the floor, gurgling. In a flash, Ed knocks the next terrorist to the floor and pounces on him. He drives his dripping dagger deep into the terrorist’s eye socket.
Carrie leaps up and, with one mighty swing of her katana, lops off the heads of two more terrorists. Their headless bodies crash to the floor, twitching. Drew and one other terrorist are the only ones left. The other terrorist flees the room as Drew pulls his own sword and faces Carrie. The two battle around the room, upsetting furniture and sending sparks flying from their clashing swords. With their swords locked and their faces close to one another, Carrie manages to kick Drew away from her. Drew charges back at her, and Carrie lowers her katana, driving it deep into Drew’s gut.
CARRIE: No.
Carrie twists the katana as the life drains out of Drew’s face. She kicks him away and turns to Ed.
CARRIE: Looks like we’re going to need TWO new cages.
THE END
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
This movie is nowhere near realistic. I know damn well there should have been more fecal matter involved.
I thought the thing was all fecal matter.
Y’know, I never thought Carrie was such a sadistic bitch.
@Keith – I did.
@Andy – You’ve never seen ‘Be Cool,” then.
I can’t believe that someone would be stupid enough to ask if the Cubs would sign more free agents due to Obama being elected president, and then to top it off the dumb bitch has the nerve to put it on the website? Is this the 6th best question that she was asked? The mailbag has lost whatever credibility it had left. Great job muskbag.
@Jim Rome is Boring –
Wait, the mailbag had credibility? GET OUT
Carrie sits upon a throne made of the skulls of the unbelievers. Waiting…for vengeance.
You watch – the Cubs will get as many free agents as Obama has daughters. They (the free agents) will, however, not be as cute as the daughters are, but they’ll be able to handle the curveball better.