Jeff Conine has been beating up on the Cubs since before you were born. At least if you’re in high school. Conine’s seventeen-year career was marked by consistency. You were pretty safe counting on Conine for about a .285/.350/.450 line throughout the course of his career. Unless, of course, he was playing the Cubs. In those 85 games, Conine managed a .317/.369/.502 line, which is why he checks in at #61 on the Top 79 Cub Killers of My Time.

I’m not going to lie to you. I find Conine to be one of the most likable guys on the T79. As a player, he was classy, consistent, and valuable. Which makes that bastard even MORE infuriating. So, I won’t make fun of the fact that he is older than fire. Instead, I’ll just point out that Jeff…





…either looks a lot like 61* star Thomas Jane…





…or like a live-action version of Troy McClure.



Conine was drafted out of UCLA by the Kansas City Royals in the FIFTY-EIGHTH round of the 1987 draft. It must be discouraging being taken in the 58th round. You know there have been a bunch of college football players who have never touched a baseball, several women, guys like Mike Fontenot, and a dinette set that has been taken before you got the call.

Conine was a September call-up for the Royals in September of 1990, and he made his debut on September 16, 1990, against the Cleveland Indians, pinch-hitting for none other than current Cubs hitting coach Gerald Perry. Conine walked, scored a run, and grounded into a double play in the Royals’ 9-6 win.

Unfortunately for the Cubs, Conine was taken by the Florida Marlins as the 22nd pick of the 1992 expansion draft. For all intents and purposes, Conine became the face of the Marlins’ franchise, particularly since he was on the team in both World Championship years of 1997 and 2003. Jeff Conine has two World Series rings with the Marlins.

I’ll give you a minute to wrap your mind around that.

Conine spent some time with the Baltimore Orioles, Philadelphia Phillies, New York Mets, and Cincinnati Reds before he finally retired after the 2007 season at the age of 41. In 85 games against the Cubs, Conine hit 12 home runs and drove in 45 RBIs. Over the course of a 162-game season, that averages out to 23 home runs and 86 RBIs. Not bad for a guy who seemed like a journeyman over the course of his career.

It must be nice to have faced Cub pitching in the 90s.

Why You Should Hate Him: I had so thoroughly erased the memory of the 1997 Cubs from my mind, that I had totally forgotten that Miguel Batista was a Cub that season. More’s the pity for the Cubs, as Batista served up batting practice to the Marlins on August 26, 1997. Conine didn’t even enter the game until the bottom of the 7th inning, with the Cubs already trailing 6-0. Conine got only two at-bats. One in the 8th inning, and one in the 9th.

In the 8th, Conine served the first pitch he saw from Kent Bottenfield into the seats for a 2-run homer. In the 9th, Conine sent the second pitch he saw from Ramon Tatis into the bleachers for a 3-run homer. Three pitches, two home runs, five RBIs. Marlins win 11-0. Oh, by the way, the pesky Craig Counsell was along for the ride on both of Conine’s home runs. Obnoxious.

Did You Know? Conine apparently decided that playing professional baseball at the highest level possible wasn’t enough of a challenge for him. Since retiring, he has become a triathlon runner and a world-class racquetball player (along with his wife). Yes, he’s that guy. He’s the guy who’s good at everything. You know the one. The guy in high school who won your spot on the baseball team, beat you out in the election for class president, and then banged your prom date.

Oh, and he’ll kill your favorite baseball team, too.