Hire Jim Essian

There’s nothing quite like armchair G.M.s to get you fired up for the Winter Meetings. In this week’s Muskbag, a bunch of Cubs fans and Carrie Muskat play G.M. and do what they can to ruin the Cubs. As an added bonus, a commenter LOSES HIS MIND.

Looking at the stats, Lee’s power numbers and run production are declining. His slugging percentage in 2005 was .662, and it dropped to .462 in 2008. He leaves many runners in scoring position and is probably batting below .300 with RISP. With Mark Teixeira available as a free agent, the Cubs should consider an upgrade at first base.
– Jay D., Suwanee, Ga.

How’d ya get all those fancy numbers without managing to pull Lee’s BA with RISP?

CARRIE: I’ve gotten a ton of e-mails from people who want to trade Lee, and I can understand the frustration. For the record, he batted .308 with runners in scoring position this past season.

See? Even Carrie can find it.

CARRIE: Lee is the best defensive first baseman in the National League, which saves runs. He also drove in 90. Those are pluses. The minuses are that he hasn’t matched the power numbers from 2005, when he hit 46 homers. The double plays are almost predictable, and his OPS (on-base percentage plus slugging percentage) has dropped.

That would have been awesome if Carrie had written, “The double plays are almost as predictable as my columns and almost as annoying as your questions.”

CARRIE: Cubs manager Lou Piniella did consider moving Lee down in the lineup this season, but he never did. Piniella must have determined there was no one better suited for the No. 3 spot. It’s hard not to like Lee — he brings a lot of intangibles to the clubhouse that don’t show up in the stats.

CAPTAIN INTANGIBLES!

CARRIE: Teixeira, 28, would be nice in any team’s lineup. He hit 33 homers and drove in 121 runs while batting .308 with runners in scoring position. But Lee, 33, took less money to get a no-trade clause in his contract with the Cubs, and he’s not likely to be traded.

I don’t get the point of no-trade clauses. If you’re the Cubs, all you have to do to make sure Lee waives his no-trade clause is to have everyone on the team write him a letter telling him how much they hate him.

What does Piniella plan on doing with Kosuke Fukudome?
– A.J., Carol Stream, Ill.

Probably talk him into hari-kiri.

CARRIE: Piniella was recently quoted as saying he’d like to move Fukudome to center and have him platoon there with Reed Johnson. Fukudome is good enough defensively that he could make that switch. That would leave an opening in right for a left-handed hitter.

Welcome home, Eric Hinske.

I think the Cubs need experience in the outfield, especially center field. The Cubs should sign Manny Ramirez and put him in left field, and put Alfonso Soriano in center and share those duties with Johnson. Felix Pie and Micah Hoffpauir are too young to be expected to perform as veterans. However, using them on the bench, with Daryle Ward, if he is re-signed, would give them the experience to excel in that position. Jim Edmonds is awesome, but with his age, he should retire.
– Steve J., Orion, Ill.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! This guy is honestly advocating not only moving Soriano to center field, but also platooning him…with another right-handed batter…named Reed Johnson. Moreover, it doesn’t appear that there is a right fielder involved in this scenario. Can we agree if there’s a hit to right, it’s an automatic out? That will make up for all the routine pop-ups that drop into left and center field.

CARRIE: The Cubs tried Soriano in center field in Spring Training in 2007, and it was a brief experiment.

They also tried him there for the first two weeks of the regular season in 2007, but I’m sure Carrie wasn’t getting paid to follow the Cubs at that time.

CARRIE: Ramirez would not be an upgrade defensively, and his price tag will not fit in the Cubs’ budget. Keep in mind, the center fielder has no help in front of him and no help behind him. Soriano is better suited for left. Hoffpauir, 28, isn’t exactly young — he just doesn’t have big league experience. Edmonds most likely won’t be back.

What in the world is she talking about with the center fielder having no help in front of and behind him? Seriously. He has as much help in front or behind him as the left fielder and right fielder. Moreover, he has help on both sides of him, unlike the other two outfielders. It’s certainly the most difficult outfield position to play, but not because he’s not in the middle of a man sandwich.

I’ve been hearing about Jake Peavy getting traded and have been hearing that the Cubs are interested in him. Is it true?
– Derek F., Boston

Yes. In fact, they sent Jake this letter.

CARRIE: You’ll hear the Cubs mentioned often in rumors about high-priced players this offseason. Would Peavy look good in a Cubs uniform? Sure. But the club’s first priority is negotiating with free agents Ryan Dempster and Kerry Wood. Trades are more probable than signing someone like a Ramirez — who isn’t a good fit — because of the uncertainty about the club’s ownership.

You’ll also hear them mentioned in the talks for a lot of good players, because they keep getting fucking swept out of the playoffs, and they could use some more good players.

CARRIE: On the eve of the General Managers Meetings, Cubs GM Jim Hendry was quoted in the Daily Herald as saying: “This isn’t a club that needs an overhaul. It’s a 97-win club that just played very poorly for three games in the postseason. When things settle in and a few weeks go by, it’s not like you need 15 new guys.”

Unless, of course, all 15 new guys are better than the 15 guys we currently have in those positions.

I’m starting to get over it, now that the World Series is done. Being far from Chicago, it’s a bit easier, I guess. I’m curious if anyone in Chicagoland is wearing Cubs garb or if they have put it away until spring?
– Don P., Kalispell, Mont.

Get over what? The fact that the Muskbag has managed to include yet another question about clothing?

CARRIE: I don’t think Cubs fans ever put their Cubs caps, T-shirts or sweatshirts away.

At least, unlike Cardinals fans, we wash them.

ADDED BONUS: Behold the awesome all-CAPS meltdown of “timphx”!

HERE WE GO AGAIN….. IDIOTS POSTING THAT THINK BRIAN ROBERTS IS JESUS CHRIST THE WORLD SERIES SAVIOR!

HERE IS HOW MY LINEUP WOULD LOOK IF I WERE GM:

1. BRIAN ROBERTS, 2B
2. BRIAN ROBERTS DAD, 3B
3. BRIAN ROBERTS GRANDMA, LF
4. BRIAN ROBERTS SISTER IN LAW, C
5. BRIAN ROBERTS DOG, RF
6. BRIAN ROBERTS INFANT SON, 1B
7. SHAWON DUNSTON, SS
8. TUFFY RHODES, CF
9. BRIAN ROBERTS WIFE, P

BOY WITH THIS LINEUP, WE WOULD BECOME A DYNASTY! (BY THE WAY, 2009 WILL BE DUNSTON’S BREAKOUT YEAR! GET THAT SHAWON-O-METER READY!)

BY THE WAY, TO THE IDIOTS THAT THINK JUST BECAUSE THEY “STAND BEHIND THE CUBS NO MATTER WHAT” MAKES THEM “BETTER” FANS THAN THE REST OF US, GO SIT IN WAVELAND AVE. NEXT TO THAT UNEMPLOYED GUY WHO WEARS THE SAME SMELLY SHIRT EVERYDAY THAT READS “BALLHAWK” AND YOU CAN TALK ABOUT WHAT “GREAT” FANS YOU ARE.

THE REST OF US THAT ACTUALLY GET UPSET BECAUSE WE WANT A CHAMPIONSHIP SOMETIME IN OUR LIFETIME WILL BE INSIDE THE PARK!

Balanced.