Hire Jim Essian

The Milwaukee Brewers, who change managers three times more frequently than Jiffy Lube recommends you change your oil, are reportedly interviewing Cubs television commentator Bob Brenly, who managed the Diamondbacks to the 2001 World Series title before spending the last four seasons in the Cubs booth.

Brenly has made no secret of his desire to manage again, but you have to wonder if the Milwaukee Brewers’ managers’ position is really the dream job Brenly wants.  It says here that Brenly might be inclined to hold out for one of four jobs, once any of these guys retire or are fired.

However, Brenly is the only one of the three candidates to, you know, not be best-known for managing a talented team that collapsed down the stretch, so what if Milwaukee throws a lot of money his way?  We all have our price, I’m sure.

If Brenly takes the job, it would be unfortunate for those of us who enjoy hearing him call a game with Len Kasper.  It’s not too early to ask the question: Next to whom will Len Kasper sit?

Some names have already been floated, but many of these names were suggested by the most clueless smug man working in media today, Steve Rosenbloom.

1. Rick Sutcliffe. Pros: The 1984 Cubs ace has plenty of experience calling baseball games for ESPN. Cons: Here he is at his most coherent.
2. Mark Grace and his carton of Winstons. Pros: If he could endure Thom Brennaman for several seasons, he could put up with lean seasons if the Cubs ever return to familiar form. Cons: Sam Zell is busy enough keeping Tribune afloat without having to pay FCC fines WGN would accrue.
3. Dan Plesac. Pros: No evidence exists that he’s immune to laryngitis. Cons: Creepiness of Metra conductors to increase each time he dons the conductor’s cap.
4. Todd Hollandsworth. Pros: Shinguard not required to be a color commentator. Cons: Last permed color analyst for the Cubs is now analyzing the visibility on the South Side.
5. Ron Santo. Pros: Can easily slide over to TV and cover Cubs games. Cons: Cubs will be unable to further haze Cory Provus with Santo on the TV call.
6. Doug Glanville. Pros: Very quotable as a player, the Penn graduate will put Ivy League education to use. Cons: He’s a systems engineering major from Penn. Shouldn’t he be engineering systems, not critiquing Alfonso Soriano’s left field play? Also, the other Penn graduate associated with the Cubs botched a sure double play ball, and swung at a bad pitch to ground into an inning-ending bases-loaded double play in each of the Cubs’ last two playoff appearances.
7. Eric Karros. Pros: Very likable as a member of 2003 Cubs. Cons: He’s really a Dodger, and his presence will only remind us of the playoffs that didn’t happen.
8. Keith Moreland. Pros: Former Cub is currently a color analyst for University of Texas football and baseball games. Could give up UT baseball duties, continue Longhorn football games, and spend the summers in Wrigley Field again. Also, would be on hand in case someone with a last request similar to Steve Goodman’s dies. Cons: He’s from Texas.
9. Gary Matthews. Pros: Currently announcing in Philadelphia, alongside Harry Kalas. Former fan favorite would feel at home in Chicago. Cons: Worked for Dusty Baker in Chicago.
10. Mike Bielecki.  Pros: Former FSN Chicago studio analyst was insightful and funny. Once had Mitch Robinson speechless with this quip following a Cubs loss in Pittsburgh: “Right now, the Cubs are flatter than my junior prom date.” Cons: He started Game 5 of the 1989 NLCS.
11. Dave Otto. Pros: Former Elk Grove prep standout had this job before, at least the FSN games, the two years Joe Carter assaulted our senses on WGN. Also is very tall and has a mustache even Bob Brenly would kill for. Cons: Can you really trust pitching analysis from a guy that Michael Jordan had his way with at one afternoon at Wrigley Field?
12. Darrin Jackson. Pros: He’s available, and couldn’t be nearly as awful as he was sitting next to Ken Harrelson, right? Cons: Do we really want to test that theory?
13. Dallas Green. Pros: The last time the Cubs employed him to exercise his baseball mind, it worked out well. Cons: Apparently, he hates the Cubs.

As you can see, none of the above would be able to hack it. Fortunately, the crack addicts investigative team at HJE has found just the guy. Former MLB catcher (like Brenly), great baseball mind, former manager, witty, analytical, brilliant. In short, the best baseball analyst is only a phone call away.

We know Jim Essian has enjoyed a successful career outside of baseball the last few years, but who else could replace Bob Brenly? What are the requirements to be in the broadcast booth with Len Kasper?

1. Connection to the 1991 Cubs? Check.
2. Managed against Lou Piniella with some success? Check.
3. Enjoyed playing career as a catcher in the Bay Area? Check.
4. Midwestern roots? Check.

As of this afternoon, Jim Essian has not denied his interest in the Cubs’ job. So now it’s your turn. As soon as Brenly decides he wants to spend a couple of lost summers managing the Brewers, get on the phone, call 773-404-2827 and demand that the Cubs name Jim Essian as Len Kasper’s sidekick. It would be historic. Never before have the Cubs had an Armenian announcer.

What do you think? It’s time.