Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Why Didn’t Anyone Tell Us the Dodgers Suck?” Edition
Miss me, jerks? Yeah, I bet you did. Crying in your beers for the past couple weeks saying, “Uncle Lou! Uncle Lou! What did we do to deserve this quick playoff exit?” I don’t have an answer for that, but if you’re going to force me to say something, I’ll go with masturbation. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup:
- In a very sad bit of news, former Cub and Evanston native Kevin Foster passed away earlier this week. My condolences to the Foster family. If he hadn’t suffered arm troubles, Foster could have become a quality pitcher, and he was the guy on the mound who finally stopped the brutal 0-14 start to the 1997 season.
- It looks like Jim Hendry might be around for a while, meaning Kermit might get more chances to ruin his lunch.
- I’ve always hated that wife-beating drunk Rafael Furcal, so I thought it was hilarious that he made three errors in one inning of an elimination game. But the important part of the article about the game is that the tweeners are going to spend the entire offseason getting all excited about the possibility of us getting Jake Peavy only to have their hopes and dreams crushed. Again.
- Like Kermit, I’m relishing the opportunity for this franchise to hit . I think it’ll be funny. Go
DevilRays! - I wish I was a Rays fan, too, Pat Lackey, because they’re a fun team to watch, and I think it’ll be funny when this franchise finally hits absolute rock-bottom. However, I didn’t even root for the Rays when I was coaching them.
- Looks like we finally found something that Chris DeLuca has a hard time swallowing.
- Here’s an article that you’ll probably only read if you’re Chuck. If you’re like me, you’ll get two paragraphs in before browsing over to RedTube.
- “This is just a hypothesis on my side: You think there are a lot of (FrankTV) spots, but there’s actually not as many as you think,” Gregor said. “They’re just so good at entertaining and engaging that when they come on you feel like you just saw one not too long ago.” Someone actually said that. Seriously. The only way I’d find the FrankTV spots “entertaining and engaging” would be if they involved Frank getting eaten by a crocodile.
- Ryan Jaster makes a compelling point. Cubs fans won’t soon forget our second consecutive postseason sweep, BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE RYAN JASTER WON’T STOP WRITING ABOUT IT.
- But I guess there’s a long-standing history of writers letting things go. WARNING: Embedded video will upset your stomach. Incidentally, I don’t blame Bartman, but can the dopes who claim that he is such a “great fan” finally stop after reading the following quote? “Once inside, Bartman started asking questions about the play: How many outs were there? Why are they so mad at me? Wasn’t the ball in foul territory?” Christ, even Ronny Cedeno knows how many outs there are half the time.
- What’s that saying they have? NO surgery on a 65-year-old man is ROUTINE surgery.
- Earlier this week, Matt Stairs revealed that there’s no better feeling than having a bunch of dudes put their penises in his ass. Or something close to that.
- Can I make a motion that October 3, 2007, October 4, 2007, October 6, 2007, October 1, 2008, October 2, 2008, and October 4, 2008, also be stricken from the record?
- When this article about Michael Barrett electing free agency came up on my feed reader, I swear to God the Google ad underneath it read: “Click Here to Take a Free IQ Test: www.PhdIQTest.com.” Barrett saw the same article and wanted to take the test, but quit trying to open it after his tongue got tired.
- In case we weren’t considered national laughingstocks before, we are now.
Also, this.
- TJ Brown remembers the great Mike Royko.
- Looks like Dusty Baker hasn’t listened to ANY of the criticism that he has ruined several young pitchers’ careers.
- The fact that headfirst slides are faster than feet-first slides doesn’t make Cedeno sliding into first base any less stupid.
- Hawk Harrelson’s asshole is like everyone’s elbows. It stinks and makes a lot of excuses. Did I do that right?
- Brandon Backe is still batshit insane.
- For some strange reason, this article reminded me of Larry Rothschild’s job interview.
Well, that’s it for me. It’s time to dive into the offseason and get all excited about the hot stove action and adventure and- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
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