In spring training, Ryan Dempster guaranteed that he would win the World Series. The Spanish word for “he would win” is ganaría. That’s pronounced “gonorrhea,” which I’m pretty sure I have after watching last night’s Cubs-Dodgers game. Think I went pretty far for a joke with very little payoff? You should, because I did. And I didn’t go anywhere NEAR as far as Dempster went in setting up his Wrigley Field punchline last night. But I guess that’s why he’s so funny. Dedication to his craft.

All in all, Comedy Night at Wrigley was enjoyable.

The opening acts were pretty funny. Lou Piniella decided to bat Kosuke Fukudome, who has been terrible at hitting since about June, in the second spot in the lineup. He used Ryan Theriot, the guy on the team with the highest batting average and with the second-most hits on the team, in the 8th spot in the lineup. Wacky!

Then, up-and-coming comic Alfonso Soriano stepped to the plate mic. Soriano had been a model of patience at the plate (at least for him) since returning from injury. Last night, he swung at everything that was thrown at him, including a pitchout and a rubber chicken. Good one, Alfonso!

The TBS Comedy Troupe was in rare form last night. Just when you thought you had seen the last of Frank Caliendo, there he was on your television! Over. And over. And over. And over. I can understand why TBS needed to have 10-minute commercial breaks. They wanted us to be able to enjoy at least one Frank Caliendo commercial per break! When comedy is that good, you don’t mind watching it over and over and over again.

Ron Darling was the next performer. He mostly did one-liners. My favorite one went something like this. “The Cubs are second in the National League in walks behind the Boston Red Sox.” I almost shot beer out of my nose!

Darling’s comedy partner Dick Stockton was in fine form, as well. He used repetition in his humor, mentioning over and over again that the Wrigley crowd was quiet. Every time I thought he was going to talk about baseball, he dipped back into that old well. Ha ha ha!

Tony Gwynn followed Stockton’s set. Gwynn did impressions, most notably the Chotchkie’s guy from Office Space. Spot. On.

Derrek Lee did his usual physical comedy. Like Dick Van Dyke taking a pratfall over an ottoman, Lee grounding into a double play in the bottom half of an inning right after the other team puts up a big inning never ever gets old. I laughed until my sides hurt!

But Dempster proved why he is the headliner. After setting up his punchline all season by serving as the most consistent and reliable Cub pitcher, Dempster threw us all a curve ball (which was up and away) and walked everyone in the ballpark. That is a classic example of comic misdirection. Dempster finished his set by grooving a 1-2 pitch to James Loney for a grand slam. How the crowd laughed as the ball soared through the Chicago wind!

Thanks for coming out, everyone. You’ve been a great audience. We’re here all week (maybe). Don’t forget to tip your waitress.