Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Someday is Today” Edition

First off, Kermit wanted me to let you know that he has the three most important Cubs songs that you need to know before the postseason starts posted in the sidebar now. I don’t even know what a sidebar is. Commie. You guys like how we gave the Brewers a scintilla of hope for a few innings yesterday, and then pulled it away from them like a father cutting off tuition just because you knocked up a couple of girls? Okay, it was a cheerleading squad. Look, I swear I was going to take care of them. But, I digress. It’s only a matter of moments now before the Huebiter yells at us for celebrating back-to-back division championships for the first time since they had “divisions.” It’s okay to be excited. My hope is that we win today, Milwaukee wins today, and we win tomorrow so we can celebrate it all up in Tony LaRussa’s face. Yeah, I know “all up in.” What? I’m hip. Anyhow, here’s your Roundup:

• It’s Talk Like a Pirate Day, so do with that knowledge what you will, you grog-swilling scalawags.
• If you want to pretend the 2003 season never happened, DON’T CLICK HERE. If you do, click away and laugh at how much better the 2008 version of the Cubs is than the 2003 version.
• Let’s not get TOO crazy about the postseason yet. If the Brewers lose less than one game in the next week and a half and we can’t manage to win a game, we’re not going to make it.
• Unwarranted Curt Schilling Update: Still a fat nerd who can’t keep his fat World of Warcraft mouth shut.
• Christ, even Kerry Wood was able to stick around for 14 wins in a season. Ben Sheets has serious problems if he’s making Kerry Wood look like John Wayne.
• I always enjoy reading the takes on our team that come from other cities. Bob Howry couldn’t get back into my good graces if he had tits growing out of his face. This guy has about as much a chance of being on the postseason roster as Rich Hill does.
• It’s nice to know that the guys in my clubhouse aren’t as big a bunch of over-sentimental idiots as the rest of you.
• I wonder if Randy Hundley even talks to his son at Thanksgiving.
• As bad as Fukudome has been lately, at least he understands why I’m stapling his ass to the bench for now.
• No offense to Tampa Bay (for God’s sake, I MANAGED the damn team), but please don’t let the first Cubs World Series in over 60 years be against a team that has been around for ten fucking years. I don’t think I can handle a series loss OR win to that team (although I’ll probably eventually learn to live with a win).
• It’s payday, assholes.
• If you had a piece of duct tape that you could use to either (1) save the lives of your friends and family in a MacGyver-like situation, or (2) put over Ozzie Guillen’s mouth, which would you choose?
• I didn’t think this ad could be worse until I saw the “It’s Gonna Happen” sign. Now, it’s worse than Must Love Dogs.
• Hilariously, NOTHING has gone well for the Brewers lately.
• Chuck North actually looks at a statistic and finds something interesting.

Well, that’s it for this week. I expect that by this time next week, I’ll be sending Micah Hoffpauir to the mound with Daryle Ward playing center and Felix Pie at short. And Samardzija will be catching passes from DeRosa in the outfield in the middle of a game. And it ain’t because we’re eliminated, if you catch my drift. Celebrate this weekend, folks, no matter what Mike D. tells you to do.

-Sweet Uncle Lou

If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to Hire Jim Essian to get future articles delivered to your feed reader.

Powered by Wordpress | WP Premium theme by WP Remix
Copyright 2007. Hire Jim Essian!. All rights reserved

• Home
• HJE Shoutbox
• HJE Shop
• The B126
• The T79
• Testimonials