This post was initially going to be entitled, “I Never Thought I’d Miss Ryan Theriot.” It was going to praise Theriot for returning to the Cub lineup and having one of his best games as a Cub. The little guy forced his way into the lineup just prior to game time, and then proceeded to spark the offense by hitting a hustle triple and by scoring two runs, including one where he had no business scoring from first on a Derrek Lee hit. Hell, he even pulled a ball and had a fantastic defensive play. But then the Cubs pissed away another win and, as was searching for a picture of Theriot, all I found was hilarity. So instead, I present the many hilarious pictures of Ryan Theriot.




“Please pardon my bracelet, I just escaped from a mental institution, and I haven’t had time to gnaw off my own hand. Why are my arms like that? Oh, I’m just airing out my armpits. Those straitjackets can make a guy awfully sweaty.”




“No, it’s not an OFFICIAL jersey, but they said they’re going to get me one just as soon as they can find one in a child’s size.”




“This would be so much more fun if I had an actual ass to wax.”




“I hit with my SOUL.”




INVISIBLE GROUND




“…so, if elected, I promise to get new vending machines in the cafeteria, and more parking passes for the seniors! So, if you want a change, vote Theriot in Twenty-oh-oh!”




“Okay, base. I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. But I’m going to have to step on you at some point, and I don’t want you to try to break my ankle. You understand me? I don’t want you to try to break my ankle. Look at me, base. LOOK AT ME!”




“Why, yes, I did just finish burning a Daughtry CD for my girlfriend. Why do you ask?”




“God, you must be short.”




Okay, so the kid behind him is the real star of this picture. But Theriot is doing his best Owen Wilson face.




“Yeah, in hindsight it wasn’t a good idea to try to bleach my eyebrows.”




What more needs to be said about this classic picture of Firefighter Ryan and his invisible fire engine?