Interview With a Cubs Fan
I have been resisting writing about something that’s been pissing me off all season. Dolan and Lee have gotten in on the action lately, but Dolan, in particular, hit on a point that resonated with me. He mentioned that maybe Cubs fans don’t deserve to win. I don’t know whether they deserve it or not, but I have come to the conclusion that I hate Cubs fans.
For the most part.
Maybe I’m being too harsh. Specifically, I hate the imaginary amalgamation of Cubs fans who I interviewed in this hard-hitting exclusive.
BAD KERMIT: Well, first of all, thanks a lot for coming out here and representing everything that is wrong with Cubs fans in particular, and baseball fans in general.
AMALGAMATION OF SILLY, STUPID HOMERS WHO OBVIOUSLY LOVE EXCREMENT: And I am glad to be here.
BK: I never said I was glad you were here. I just thanked you for coming.
ASSHOLE: I-
BK: Nah, I’m just messing with you.
ASSHOLE: Oh. Ha ha ha!
BK: But, seriously, I do hate you.
ASSHOLE: Well, I’m used to that. God himself hates me.
BK: Why do you say that?
ASSHOLE: Um. Well- Why are you already writing down my answer?
BK: Hmm? Oh! I was just assuming your answer was going to be, “Because I’m an idiot.” Did you have something else?
ASSHOLE: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. God hates me because He has cursed me with a love for the Cubs!
BK: And hyperbole.
ASSHOLE: Yes, and- Hey, wait a minute! Who do you think you are?
BK: I’m asking the questions here, thank you. So, why do you say that being a Cubs fan is a curse? I’m a Cubs fan by choice, because it’s the team my mother rooted for when I was growing up, I enjoy National League baseball more than American League baseball, and- What are you- No. No. Please don’t start crying.
ASSHOLE: I can’t help myself!
BK: Why are you crying?
ASSHOLE: It’s the plight of being a Cubs fan! It’s so overwhelming!
BK: It’s really not.
ASSHOLE: It is!
BK: Is not.
ASSHOLE: Yes, it is!
BK: You want some tissue?
ASSHOLE: Please.
BK: Maybe a handgun loaded with hollow-tipped bullets?
ASSHOLE: What was that?
BK: Nothing. Anyhow, why do you consider rooting for a baseball team such a chore? Shouldn’t it be an enjoyable–though, I will admit, occasionally frustrating–experience?
ASSHOLE: Not with this team. This team is full of a bunch of fucking losers!
BK: It’s not, really.
ASSHOLE: It is too!
BK: Don’t losers oftentimes–you know–lose a lot?
ASSHOLE: Yes.
BK: And the Cubs haven’t really lost that often, all things considered.
ASSHOLE: They just lost five games in a row!
BK: That’s true, and it was their longest losing streak of the season. And the 2007 team lost six in a row at one point last year. And the 2004 team, which was a very good team, lost five in a row three different times during the season.
ASSHOLE: Don’t even mention 2004 to me.
BK: Why not?
ASSHOLE: BECAUSE IF YOU MENTION IT, THE SAME THING IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE CUBS THIS YEAR THAT HAPPENED IN 2004!
BK: …
ASSHOLE: YOU KNOW IT WILL!
BK: …
ASSHOLE: THIS TEAM IS CURSED!
BK: You mean, like, cursed with fans like you?
ASSHOLE: The 2004 team was just another in a series of horribly disappointing Cubs teams.
BK: I’ll admit that I was incredibly disappointed at the end. But you know how many wins that team ended with?
ASSHOLE: No, but I can tell you exactly how many losses.
BK: 89 wins. You know how many the Cubs have right now with 22 games left to play?
ASSHOLE: 55 losses?
BK: 85 wins. Even after this losing streak, if they go only .500 over the next 22 games, they’ll finish the season 96-66. That would leave them with more wins than any Cubs team since 1984, which also finished with 96 wins. And if you take out that 1984 team, you have to go way back to 1945 to find a Cubs team with 96 wins. The 1945 Cubs won 98.
ASSHOLE: You just don’t understand. I’ve seen this happen too many times.
BK: No, you haven’t.
ASSHOLE: What do you mean I haven’t?
BK: You haven’t. You haven’t seen the Cubs enter the month of September with a 4.5-game lead and piss it away. You just haven’t. In fact, you haven’t even seen a Cubs team enter the month of September with a 4.5-game or more since 1984, when the Cubs entered the month with a 5-game lead and ended it with a 6.5-game lead. So don’t say stupid shit.
ASSHOLE: And did that team win the World Series?
BK: They did not. However, are any of the guys on the 1984 team on the 2008 team? Are any of them even still in baseball? Are they still alive? Is there a reason (other than self-loathing) that Cubs fans keep bringing up the prior failures of their team? Isn’t that what ESPN is for?
ASSHOLE: We wouldn’t have to be talking about failures if the organization would just stop lying to us.
BK: What? What the hell are you talking about?
ASSHOLE: I’m so sick of the organization hiding information from us.
BK: You mean from you and me?
ASSHOLE: I mean from the fans.
BK: Did you ask the organization a question?
ASSHOLE: No, but they lied to us!
BK: About what?
ASSHOLE: About Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, and now about Carlos Zambrano and Rich Harden.
BK: They really haven’t. Carlos and Harden will be fine, and if they’re not, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the organization was lying to us.
ASSHOLE: They were!
BK: Even if they didn’t disclose an injury that they knew about, why the hell would they? What’s the point? The doom-and-gloom idiots like yourself are going to assume the worst, anyhow. If the Cubs say it’s a hangnail, you’ll turn it into a dismemberment. I can hardly blame them.
ASSHOLE: That’s the problem with guys like you. You’re always making excuses for the organization.
BK: And the problem with guys like you is that you’d rather see the organization fail so you can say, “I told you so! This team is so Cub.” Forgive me for rooting for the team to actually succeed.
ASSHOLE: You’re a sheep!
BK: You’re a shithead. Go root for the Globetrotters. And let me tell you this. When the Cubs make the playoffs, don’t come back. Don’t let me find you saying, “I knew they’d win all along!” Don’t buy a Cubs 2008 World Series Champions t-shirt and hat. Don’t pretend you were there from the get-go. Don’t pretend you were there in the tough times.
ASSHOLE: But-
BK: Would you break up with your imaginary girlfriend every time you had a fight?
ASSHOLE: Well, no-
BK: Then deal with a loss. Or even two in a row. Or five. Without bailing on the team. And if you can’t, go make model airplanes, or something. This is not the hobby for you.
ASSHOLE: But-
BK: We’re done here.
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CT
StPatrick
PenFoe
BigFlax
Bocaj
Fuck yes. Excuse the language.
I am and have been a Cub fan for a long time. Whether they are shitty or good (or as is the case this year EXTREMELY good) I enjoy watching and following them (and of course bitching occasionally when warranted). The vast majority of Cub fans make me want to puke – the people that just go to games for the Wrigley experience don’t bother me anywhere near as much as the strokes epitomized by your ‘interviewee’. The ‘how dare them lie to us’ to me kills me almost as much as the ‘they better not change the name of wrigley’ which kills me almost as much as ‘this game/season is over’. I actually kind of like the idea of cub management lying just to fuck with those idiots. And if this team does falter, at least I can chuckle at them (as I toast probably the best Cub team I’ve seen in my lifetime). But I don’t think they are going to falter.
I’m not a big blog guy but I do like the stuff you put up (funny as hell and pretty intelligent)and have even jumped in your shout box thingie a few times. Most of the people there seem to have a clue about being a sports fan so it’s cool to check out when stuck at work.
Wow. I now realize that I’m a sports fan that hates sports fans. Everything makes sense to me now.
Anyway… Take that, ASSHOLE!
bitter kermit is way funnier rather than indignant kermit
Standing ovation, BK. People forget thats its just a fucking game. Turn off the tv or don’t go to the games if it bothers you that much, assholes.
His real name is Asshole? His parents are jerks.
I’m so glad HJE has articles again.
I applaud you, sir.
BK: You mean, like, cursed with fans like you?
(clapping)
Well done sir. Very well done.
Wait wait? You hate Cubs fans? Sounds like you are ANGRY!!
KERM IS RIGHT!!!!
MORPH IS RIGHT ABOUT KERM BEING RIGHT!
You deserve a medal for this.
The only medal I could come up with is a Canadian penny attached to a used piece of dental floss, but it’s a medal nonetheless.
Yes!!! However, I’d rather listen to some feller outta the ‘burbs bemoan the doom the Cubs will have by losing these five games and Sweet Lou doing the right thing by resting starters than listen the delusional folk down here talk about the Cards still having a chance. And realizing their GM is utterly retarded. Really, don’t trade for pitching when Mulder and Carpenter are due to come off the DL in August. That’ll save the season!
Fuck’em…GO CUBS!
YES! Wait, was that an interview of someone from BCB? Seriously, I used to read that site (I know, I’m sorry I didn’t know any better), but I left because of the doom and gloom. I was being shouted down for being optimistic in the OFF SEASON!!! The last post I read was one about how this team will never go out and get the “big” free agents. (That was shortly before the Soriano signing)
Keep it coming kerm
Sweet, BK. I am sick of these whiny pukebags who claim to be Cubs fans. We’ve lost five in a row and these assholes are ready to slit their wrists and sell this team done the river. I’m sorry, these guys have played too well to piss this season away. And I’d rather Lou rest Z and Harden for a week or even two, provided we can maintain our division lead. We need Zambrano and Harden fresh for a playoff run. I don’t want Big Zs arm to fall off simply so we can pad our lead. If the absolute worst happens, we still will probably win the wild card. I don’t give a purple fuck how we get there. I think the offense will come around. Let’s not forget that 2 of the five losses were to Philly, also in the playoff hunt and we were swept by Houston, the hottest team in MLB at the moment. Losing 5 is bad, but sheesh, it’s not like we got blanked by some puss teams or something.
The worst thing is, you know the same people gnashing their teeth today are the same asshats waving their “It’s Gonna Happen” signs when everything is sunny. Loust Cub fans are one of the reasons my wife and I decided not to attend any games this year. I can watch the game in the comfort of my own home without drunken douchenuggets ruining the experience. And if the Cubs are having a truly horrendous day, I can turn the TV off and do something constructive. No more wallowing assholes! It’s just a baseball game.
just perfect….
“AMALGAMATION OF SILLY, STUPID HOMERS WHO OBVIOUSLY LOVE EXCREMENT”. Absolutely great.