A “Pep” Talk From Mean Uncle Lee

Hope you had a nice fucking Labor Day. Of course the ultimate fucking irony is that you don’t even work in the first place. What the fuck do you need a day off for?

So I got a message for you cocksuckers–you 15% of the fuckin’ Internet who bleat like a bunch of unemployed fucking lambs whenever your team goes into a rut, like the one we were in when I was made world fucking famous. I see these worthless assholes here have been trying to keep you in line all year; but you don’t fucking listen to them. Why would you? They’re fucking assholes. So that’s why Uncle Lee’s here–to set you fucking unemployed cocksuckers straight.

I would give my left fucking nut to coach a team that:

Was in first fucking place in what is inarguably one of the top two of the six divisions in baseball on September 2nd…

Has been in first place in said fucking division for the past sixteen fucking weeks…

Whose record has been one of the top 6 teams in baseball–and more fucking importantly, the top 4 in the National League–since the second week in April—basically, the beginning of the fucking season.

Had the best record in the entire fucking league for 33 straight days from late May through late June, and has had it again for over a week in late August.

Currently has the best record in the entire fucking National League, and has had this best record, I should point, since May 27th.

I’d be happier than shit if that was my team. You cocksuckers haven’t had a team this fucking good in your unemployed fucking lifetimes. The closest you’ve come is that team that I started to mold and shape finally got “hotter than shit” and became that cocksucker Jim Frey’s 96-win juggernaut that was the fucking 1984 Cubs. Of course, had my fucking ass been around, Sutcliffe starts Game 4 and you jobless coscksuckers would have celebrated a fucking pennant already.

I should also point out that this year’s Cubs have been playing this well without, for the most part, the services of Rich Fucking Harden and Alfonso Cocksucking Soriano, while also enduring stretches without Kerry Motherfucking Wood, and a cocksucking, motheranddogfucking hybrid of a platoon combination in center field. Also, the Cubs have gotten to this fucking point in the season after having started the season out 0-2 and 1-3, which is not unlike their current skid which has so many of you hapless cocksuckers up in arms.

So Uncle Lee is here to tell you jobless cocksuckers to calm the fuck down, and if you want to get the fuck off this bandwagon, you’re welcome to do so any fucking time you want. You’ll be sorry, though, as this fuckign team is going to win the pennant and you can go downtown and PRINT IT!

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