A Very Special, Completely Lucid Muskbag!

Nah, just kidding. It’s dumb again. That’s 1,023 horrible questions in a row, if you’re keeping track. Of course, if you are, you’re dumber than a Muskbag. I only do it because it’s my job. My free job.

How much longer is manager Lou Piniella willing to give Fukudome to get his offense going before he opts to replace him in right field? I understand the Cubs are trying to give him as much time as he needs, given the investment and initial hype Fukudome brought to the city, but it appears that he has had plenty of time and nothing has changed. I used to be optimistic when Fukudome came to the plate, now I’m not.
– Steve W., Louisville, Ky.

Well, Steve, have you considered that your lack of optimism is exactly the reason that Fukudome has been struggling?

CARRIE: Fukudome took a step in the right direction on Sunday. He met with Piniella and went over video before the game, and the end result was a two-run pinch-hit homer in the Cubs’ 6-1 win over the Nationals. Fukudome must be a good pupil.

Or the Nationals really, really suck.

CARRIE: There are some who feel he’s too close to the plate, and can’t extend his arms on pitches.

Okay, who is are is “some”? Lou Piniella is the manager. Gerald Perry is the hitting coach. Seems to me that if I were going to ask someone about Fukudome’s struggles, it would be one or both of those guys. So, of course, here is the list of people Carrie asked (in chronological order):

1. Ed Hartig
2. The Sodfather
3. Ronny Woo-Woo
4. God
5. Zoltar

CARRIE: Pitchers are buzzing him inside more, and also throwing more offspeed stuff. Piniella wants the Japanese outfielder to shorten his stride, which will help him make his swing more compact.

Fukudome is JAPANESE??? Why didn’t anyone tell me about it?

CARRIE: Fukudome is such a good defensive right fielder, he’s needed in the lineup. Sunday’s at-bat was encouraging, and hopefully gets him back on track.

Steve W. from Louisville was NOT encouraged.

I understand that the Cubs do not have a clear MVP candidate who stands out, stats-wise. I believe it’s Geovany Soto. He is a rookie catcher who has led a pitching staff to the second-best ERA in the National League, has hit consistently all season long and is a catcher who rarely takes a day off.
– Scott P., Trevor, Wis.

CARRIE: You can make an argument for Soto…

Umm, didn’t he just?

CARRIE: …although he’s more likely to get a majority of votes in the NL Rookie of the Year balloting. There are several MVP candidates on the Cubs, including Aramis Ramirez, who leads the team in home runs and RBIs and is playing stellar third base. Ryan Dempster, who has made a smooth transition from closer to starter, and Mark DeRosa, who has played everywhere on the field and is setting personal bests at the plate, are also worthy. It’s hard to ignore what Ryan Theriot has done — he’s fifth in the NL in batting average. Kerry Wood is a leading contender for Comeback Player of the Year. Maybe this year, it should be Most Valuable Team.

Or a Sportsmanship Award. Or Perfect Attendance. Or Most Likely to Succeed. Or some other award designed to make losers feel better about themselves.

Looking at Minor League stats, I’ve seen Jason Dubois tearing it up in Triple-A. Is there any chance we might see him with the big league club this year, and if so, in what role?
– Javi T., San Juan, Puerto Rico

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You looked up stats on your own? Before you e-mailed a question to the Muskbag? That sort of initiative don’t cotton ’round these parts. Savvy?

CARRIE: Dubois is not on the Cubs’ 40-man roster, so in order for him to be called up, the team would have to make a move. And there’s really no place for him to play. Among the names you can expect to see on Sept. 1 are Micah Hoffpauir, Angel Guzman, Koyie Hill and Michael Wuertz.

That’s the corporate answer. The real answer is that the Cubs media corps doesn’t want to take away from the “Mike Fontenot and Ryan Theriot both went to LSU” angle with a brand-new “Jason Dubois and Sean Marshall both went to Virginia Commonwealth University” angle. Go Rams!

Now that the Cubs are flirting with the best record in baseball, it makes me wonder about the significance. How have teams with the best record in previous seasons fared in the playoffs?
– Conor M., Glenview, Ill.

Is having the best record in baseball significant? Is that a significant number? Is that something you’d be interested in?

CARRIE: Cubs historian Ed Hartig did some research…

Do you realize how enticing the job of “Cubs historian” was before I started reading Muskbags? If you don’t, here is a chart detailing my interest in applying for the job of Cubs historian:

For a chart representing Ed Hartig’s number of suicide attempts over time, rotate your monitor 90 degrees counterclockwise.

CARRIE: …and notes that the team with the best record in the Major Leagues has advanced to the World Series 22 times since the start of divisional play in 1969 — that does not include the 1981 or 1994 strike seasons. Those clubs went 9-13 in the Fall Classic.

So, you’re saying the Cubs SHOULDN’T try to have the best record in baseball at the end of the year! It’s almost too simple!

If a pinch-hitter bats twice in one inning, does he have to go into the game?
– Ken B., Montgomery, Ill.

Hey, Ken? When a pinch hitter bats the first time, he’s already in the game. Why don’t you go ahead and take a quick nap, regroup, and come back whenever you’re ready?

CARRIE: No. And if a pinch-hitter does bat twice in one inning, only the first at-bat counts as a pinch-hit at-bat. The second at-bat would be a regular at-bat.

And if he gets a third at-bat, it’s a beer at-bat. If he gets an extra-base hit, he has to chug a beer at every base before advancing to the next base.

Is it my imagination, or since the All-Star break has Derrek Lee had a substantial drop-off in hitting? Sure, he’s hitting about .290, but he has only nine extra-base hits and 18 RBIs since the break. His slugging percentage is dropping, and he seems to be hitting a lot of singles and leaving men on base. Are you aware of any explanation for this? While the team is doing great, and the bottom of the lineup is really performing well, the No. 3 hitter of the best run-producing lineup in the NL seems flat.
– Rob B., Golden, Colo.

I sure hope she asks Cubs historian Ed Hartig how Lee hit historically earlier this season.

CARRIE: The Cubs have been fortunate in that players like DeRosa and Soto have picked up the offense. Hitting coach Gerald Perry says: “Sometimes, it’s a matter of getting things in your mind and you start trying too hard to accomplish something. It’s easier said than done to just let it happen and trust it. It does wear on your mind some.”

Which is exactly why slumps never ever bothered Dusty Baker.

CARRIE: Lee wasn’t too concerned. And he says recent back spasms, which flared up Saturday, are not the reason for the lack of home runs. As Lee said, “We’re playing so good, who really cares about your stats?”

Rob B. of Golden, Colorado, for one.

My brother and I are trying to research the Cubs uniforms. From 1997-present, the uniforms have pretty much stayed the same. There was an era between 1984-93 when the Cubs wore the pullover jersey. The uniform we are trying to find is the one with the cursive Cubs logo on the chest that was worn sometime between 1994-96. We have found baseball cards during that time frame, but we can’t confirm that it was worn. It almost seems like a conspiracy to hide those uniforms. I have also heard rumors that they got rid of the cursive Cubs logo because it looked too much like the word “Cuba” on their chest. Please confirm that the uniforms did in fact exist and the time frame in which they were worn. I have been trying to find one to purchase, but it is nearly impossible.
– Todd D., Chicago

Whenever I hear a question about someone doing something with their brother, I either assume it’s one of you guys who wrote the question, or that the person’s “brother” is a pair of pants and a shirt stuffed with newspapers, sitting in a rocking chair, with a balloon for a “head.”

CARRIE: According to Hartig, the road uniform with “Cubs” in script was worn for the 1994, ‘95 and ‘96 seasons. The uniform — along with the red brim on the road cap — was introduced at the 1994 Cubs Convention. Right away, there were comments that the script looked like “Cuba,” rather than Cubs. In 1997, the Cubs went back to the block “Chicago” on the road uniform. The Cubs never gave an official word as to why they changed.

There was a reason for that. If Carrie doesn’t have a Muskbag next week due to “illness,” start dredging the Chicago River.

Watching the Little League World Series, I couldn’t help by wonder if Mike Fontenot is related to Kennon Fontenot of the Lake Charles, La., team?
– Ed K., Clinton, Iowa

He’s his bastard child.

CARRIE: Mike says they’re not related.

Lies.

I saw an article about Matt Cerda being the last guy struck out by Danny Almonte in the 2001 Little League World Series and that the Cubs drafted Cerda. I’m curious about how he’s doing with the Cubs.
– Chris A., Gladstone, Mich.

That is not a question. A question usually ends with a question mark, and your voice sort of goes up a little bit at the end when you ask it.

CARRIE: Cerda is playing for the Cubs’ Rookie League team in Mesa, Ariz., and in 38 games, was batting .263 with five doubles, one triple, two homers and 14 RBIs. You can get his stats — and all other players in the Minor Leagues — by checking MiLB.com.

Holy shit. She knows that it’s possible to get information off the internet?

Do you think Dempster could play quarterback for the Bears? I say give it a try.
– Chris H., Daytona, Fla.

Do you think you could eat a bag full of broken glass? I say give it a try.

CARRIE: I think Dempster can do anything he sets his mind on doing. I’d keep him in the Cubs rotation for now.

Carrie is right! I’m going to finish that novel I’ve been trying to write. It’s a science fiction story about space travel and visitors from other planets coming to Earth. But I never let anyone read my stories. What if they didn’t like them? What if they told me I wasn’t any good? I couldn’t take that kind of…rejection.

Who was the last switch-hitter for the Cubs to hit a home run from both sides of the plate in the same inning? I say it was Mark Bellhorn, but a buddy of mine says no Cubs switch-hitter has ever done that. A free dinner rides on the answer.
– Charlie P., New Johnsonville, Tenn.

I really wish I had stupider friends. It would be so great to get them to bet me dinners over stuff that I could easily look up on the internet.

CARRIE: On Aug. 29, 2002, Bellhorn homered from both sides of the plate for the Cubs in Milwaukee in the fourth inning. Enjoy your meal.

I recommend the Number 5 with a Frosty.

I have to correct you on Greg Maddux’s wins with the Cubs. He has won 133, not 178. I had to look it up because I knew he couldn’t have won a majority of his games with the Cubs.
– Ryan D., Springfield, Ill.

Hartig! This guy is after your job!

CARRIE: You — and many others — are correct. I had the wrong numbers in last week’s mailbag. My calculator failed me.

It seems to me that Carrie is just trying to pass the buck. Unless- Wait. Have calculators finally become sentient? I had a TI-83 in high school that I could have sworn used to watch me do my calculus homework. And I’m pretty sure one time it sneaked out of my bookbag and watched me get to second base with my girlfriend. And I can’t be sure, but I think it used to scream when I turned it off.

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