There’s nothing like a little successful baseball to bring out the money-grubbing douchebags. Why bother inventing something original when you can throw together a stupid catchphrase having to do with your favorite team (vaguely enough so they can’t sue the hell out of you), slap it on a sign, and sell it to a bunch of chumps who don’t know any better? It’s good to see that the Brewers have their own version of dimwit Cubs leech, John Murray. As you may be aware, the Brewers have begun a tradition of celebrating their victories by untucking their jerseys. Thrilling. Of course, some entrepreneur turd is trying to take advantage of the situation by trademarking the word “untuckem.” Yes, “untuckem.com (link removed on account of the owner of said link being a potty mouth).” Their motto is “The hardest working shirt on your back.” I just threw up in my mouth.

Of course, Brewers fans have always known how to celebrate, as they’ve had 7,121 fans as of this writing pledge to micturate down their own pant legs if the Brewers just make the playoffs. Stupid Brewers fans. If the Cubs ever win the World Series, I will undoubtedly soil myself, but not on purpose. Is there really no better way to celebrate in Wisconsin than to piss all over yourself?

There wasn’t. Until now. Thanks to ill-fitting t-shirts and uncomfortably hiked up pants, the untucking celebration is the biggest rage in Milwaukee since Laverne and Shirley put a glove on a bottle and waved giddily at it.

There is nothing more intimidating than the gentle rustling of fabric as 100 fans simultaneously yank their CafePress shirts out of their jorts in celebration. What will the Brewers think of next? Perhaps after each victory, every nearsighted fan in the park can take out their contacts. How about if at the end of each Brewers victory, the Brewers and their fans simultaneously check their voice mail? No, no. Men should move their wallets from their back pockets to their hip pockets and women should rummage through their purses. THAT is a celebration.

According to untuckem.com, “No fans in the league represent ‘blue collar’ people and a good, honest hard day’s work more than Milwaukee fans.” Really? Pirates fans are directing a hearty “fuck you” in your direction, Milwaukee. But, please, explain how this “untucking” works. “During the game wear your UNTUCKEMTM shirt, and when that final out is made untuck it to reveal ‘WE WIN!’ on the tail.” Picture that in your head for a moment. Isn’t that ritual sort of–what’s the word–humiliating? I imagine that everyone in the stadium not wearing those shirts is watching this ritual unfold sort of like this:

But maybe their upcoming INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO will make the moment less awkward. That’s right. They’re doing an instructional video about HOW to untuck your shirt. Maybe Brewers fans would be better served with a video on how to climb onto a treadmill or how soap works. Just a thought.

As if that’s not enough, they have untuckem.blogspot.com (again, link removed because link owner doesn’t know how to play nice), a BLOG about untucking one’s shirt. A blog. An honest-to-God blog. And another emphatic blow is struck against a capitalist economy.

If you’d like to learn more about untucking your shirt, or if you have questions related to shirts, belts, and waistbands in general, please don’t hesitate to contact the instigator of this brilliant revolution.