A Very Special “Ivy Chat” Muskbag; No, LITERALLY
Thank God these Muskbags are a weekly affair. If they weren’t, we would have had to listen to three ivy questions in one Muskbag instead of listening to one ivy question each of the last three weeks. PROGRESS! Time for the Muskbaggery:
My husband and I had an argument about the outfield positions. I think he’s just a bit annoyed that I know baseball this much. Which position is the easiest to play in the outfield — right, center or left? Now, I know all are difficult, but I always claimed that center was the easiest because the center fielder has the right fielder and left fielder to “back him up.” Could you please help me prove to him that girls do know baseball?
– Gilat U., Gurnee, Ill.
Suck it, Susan B. Anthony!
CARRIE: I asked Cubs outfielder Reed Johnson, because he has played all three positions, and he agreed that center is easier, but he has a different reason. Johnson says center is easier, but only if the outfielder can run. Johnson said if he’s playing center, and a ball is hit over his right shoulder, it’ll stay over his right shoulder. If he’s playing in left, and a ball is hit over his right shoulder, then it could ricochet off the wall in an unpredictable direction. Throwing-wise, right field is tougher for an outfielder.
“I think left field is the hardest of the three,” Johnson said.
Yep. Left field is impossible. That’s why Adam Dunn, Ryan Braun, Moises Alou, and Manny Ramirez all play left field.
Every time a Cubs player gets on base, they do a double-finger point at somebody in the dugout. Who are they pointing at?
– Jon M., Goshen, Ind.
They’re pointing at Ryan Theriot’s Mailbag, where this question was already answered.
CARRIE: They’re pointing to their teammates in the dugout who are applauding them.
I don’t know if it’s the present-tense structure or if it’s the fact that I’m picturing all of the Cubs standing in the dugout wearing white gloves and applauding politely, but that sentence is hilarious.
Has the Cubs pitching staff ever had three 20-game winners in one season?
– John K., Spartanburg, S.C.
Quick! Send up the Hartig Signal!
CARRIE: The Cubs have had three 20-game winners in a season twice. In 1886, John Clarkson won 35 games, Jim McCormick won 31 and Jocko Flynn won 23. In 1903, Jack Taylor won 21 games, while Jake Weimer and Bob Wicker each won 20.
John, Jim, Jocko, Jack, Jake, and Bob? You made that up, didn’t you, Hartig?
Why not try Carlos Zambrano at first when Derrek Lee needs a day off? He’s got such a good bat and isn’t injury prone, like most pitchers.
– Brad B., Downers Grove, Ill.
Carrie already answered this question in a previous Muskbag, but she did it incorrectly. The correct answer is, “Because you’re an idiot, Brad.”
CARRIE: Although Zambrano is a good athlete, I don’t see that happening. Ever.
Yep. That’s pretty much the exact same answer Carrie gave the first time. She really needs to consider focusing on the fact that the question is stupider than peeking around under Ted Lilly’s floorboards.
What’s the status of Rich Hill? I was expecting big things from him this year, and hoping he could come in and add a quality arm down the stretch.
– Ben F., Munising, Mich.
HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES IS CARRIE GOING TO ANSWER THIS QUESTION???
CARRIE: You weren’t alone in terms of expectations. Hill is rehabbing in Mesa, Ariz. He’s on the disabled list because of soreness in his shoulder and back. In 13 Minor League starts this year, he’s 4-7 with a 5.85 ERA. He has walked 44 over 47 2/3 innings and struck out 57. I’d look for Hill next season.
So, he still sucks? Check. Got it. I’ll cross Rich Hill questions off my list, then. Yep. No more Rich Hill questions will be asked by me of Carrie.
*whistles*
So, do you think Angel Guzman is going to be with the big club at some point this year? I’ve had big expectations for him since about the turn of the century.
What are Edmonds’ numbers since his acquisition?
– Roman B., Grand Forks, N.D.
I am of the impression that I can no longer even make fun of essentially the same goddamn question that keeps getting asked over and over. I could say something about how the internet must have not made it all the way out to North Dakota. I could make a joke about how Roman could have gotten this information more quickly even during the time of the Roman Empire. I could make a joke about Ed Hartig carving “ED WAS HERE” into an archway in his run-down halfway house before fixing a noose around his neck, kicking out his chair, and going for a short drop and a sudden stop. Instead, I’m just going to drink a beer, kick my feet up, mentally dress Carrie Muskat, and make travel plans to never ever visit North Dakota.
CARRIE: Edmonds was batting .178 in 26 games with the Padres, hitting one home run, two doubles and driving in six. In 63 games with the Cubs, he’s hitting .267 with 15 homers, 14 doubles and 42 RBIs.
Ah, batting average. The last vestige of the dinosaur statistician. I wonder if Carrie knows that at this point, Hartig is just screwing with her.
On the Cubs’ schedule, the last home game now has a 1:20 p.m. CT start. It was undetermined for quite some time, and I was wondering if you can confirm the correct time. I was hoping it would be a night game.
– Kyle B., Chicago
GOD DAMNIT! GOD DAMN YOU! HOW IN THE WORLD IS THIS THE BEST OPTION FOR DETERMINING WHAT TIME THE FUCKING GAME IS?!
I am starting to worry for my own well-being. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. I’m starting to suspect that Carrie actually knows about the Muskbags, and that she only doubled their number in order to exhaust me. She’s a diabolical spinster, that one is.
CARRIE: The 1:20 p.m. start time for the Cubs-St. Louis Cardinals game on Sept. 21 is correct. You can check the “Schedule” section of cubs.com.
Or espn.com. Or foxsports.com. Or cbssportsline.com. Or sports.yahoo.com. Or comcastsportsnet.com. Or si.com. Or sports.aol.com. Or pretty much any fucking website you accidentally stumble across just by turning off your computer.
MOREOVER, this is not even a “What time is the game?” question. THIS GUY KNOWS WHAT FUCKING TIME THE GAME STARTS, AND IS TRYING TO CONFIRM IT WITH THE CUBS.COM BEAT REPORTER! Kyle B. is the fucking cockhead who gets an e-mail from you telling you to meet at a certain bar at 9:00 p.m., and who then calls you FOUR TIMES that day to confirm the time and location of your meeting. IF THE TIME CHANGES, I’LL CALL YOU, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!
Have the Cubs started picking up on certain Japanese words or phrases in order to talk to Kosuke Fukudome? Or do they always have to go through his translator to communicate with him? If they do talk to Fukudome themselves, what are some of the phrases or words they picked up most easily?
– Becky S., St. John, Ind.
GOD DAMNIT! THIS QUESTION WAS ALREADY ANSWERED, TOO! WHO IN THE HELL IS CHOOSING THESE QUESTIONS?!
CARRIE: Fukudome knows enough English to be able to communicate with his teammates and the coaches — and even the U.S. media. I did ask his interpreter, Ryuji Araki, if the Cubs players could speak better Japanese now than they did at the start of the season, and he laughed. Most of them can at least say “Hello” in Japanese.
Maybe some more useful phrases for them all to learn would be the following:
“Hey, you think you might want to consider getting some hits instead of twirling yourself into the ground on every swing like a prima ballerina?”
“Are you going to be more like Kaz Matsui or Hideki Matsui?”
“If you’re going to eventually kill an umpire after doing your Asian death stare, can you please make sure it’s Joe West?”
“Hey, Kosuke, what’s more likely? You hitting a home run or you starring in a porno?”
There was a guy who got called up to the Cubs to pitch in 2006 or maybe early ‘07. I think the Cubs were playing Houston. The guy pitched really well, but got hurt and I have not heard of him since. Could you shed some light on that guy?
– Cody T., Elgin, Iowa
“Also, Carrie, I saw some dude on the El the other day who looked like he might be interested in a possible HJ exchange. I can’t really give you any more details other than he was on the El sometime either last year or the year before. It was the Red Line. You think you can track down his name, address, and possibly some pertinent measurements?”
CARRIE: It was O’Malley, and the game was Aug. 16, 2006, at Minute Maid Park. The Cubs won, 1-0, and O’Malley, called up from Triple-A Iowa that morning, threw eight shutout innings. He made one more start that season, but had to leave early because of problems with his shoulder. O’Malley was invited to Spring Training this year, but then released. This season, he was 4-3 in 20 games, including six starts, with the Birmingham Barons, but was placed on the disabled list on Aug. 13.
“All very informative, but do you know if he’d be willing to meet me in the bathroom at the Hinsdale Oasis?”
With Greg Maddux looking to retire after this year, I want to know how many of his wins have come against the Cubs. I’ll bet it’s a decent amount.
– Robb H., Chicago
You are a fucking asshole.
CARRIE: In 24 career starts against the Cubs, Maddux is 12-4. To save time, he won 178 games for the Cubs, going 140-74 from 1986-92, and 38-37 from 2004-06.
How exactly does that save time? She answers the same fucking questions every week, anyhow. Now she’s going to get economical with her words?
I was checking the Cubs’ Minor League stats to see how the prospects were doing and noticed that Billy Petrick is on the suspended list and hasn’t pitched since May 25. What happened to him?
– Mike M., Munster, Ind.
This guy was somehow able to get all the way to the Cubs’ minor league stats to figure out what Billy Petrick was doing (WHY????), yet he couldn’t figure out how to fucking Google “Billy Petrick suspended”? Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop doing heroin.
CARRIE: Petrick is on the disabled list with shoulder problems.
Everyone in this Muskbag is on the disabled list for being mentally disabled.
Please tell readers not to plant Oriental Bittersweet Ivy. It is a horribly invasive plant that grows and spreads very rapidly and chokes out everything in its path.
– Jeff W., Rhinebeck, N.Y.
“Horribly invasive”? “Grows and spreads very rapidly and chokes out everything in its path”? Look out, Muskbag! Looks like you have some competition.
CARRIE: The ivy Jeff W. is talking about is one of the types grown at Wrigley Field. If you are brave and have good clippers, see the next e-mail.
I hope that Carrie is not seriously going to write about ivy for the THIRD WEEK IN A ROW. I truly, truly hope so.
Boston Ivy and Bittersweet can be propagated using softwood-tip cuttings by the following method:
– Michael C., professor of ornamental horticulture and plant biotechnology at the University of Wisconsin-Platteville1. Snip off about 4 inches of soft stem tips.
2. Remove the lower half to two-thirds of the leaves and dip the cutting in rooting powder (can be found in most garden centers or on the Internet).
3. Place the treated cuttings in a container filled with potting soil that contains a mix of peat moss, perlite (little white volcanic rock), and vermiculite (mixtures of this type can be found in most big box stores or garden centers).
4. Moisten with water and cover with a plastic bag.
5. Place in indirect light (absolutely no direct sun). Roots should form in four to six weeks.
I can’t wait for next week’s Muskbag, when Carrie tells us how to make our own jam and sew a quilt.
I want to die.
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Comments
TDubbs She never says O’Malley’s first name. Although I like his character on My Name is Earl.
trueblue Bad Kerm, you should have a “stupidest question in the Muskbag” contest. whoever sends in the dumbest question wins.
Poon “I am of the impression that I can no longer even make fun of essentially the same goddamn question that keeps getting asked over and over.”
Kicking someone in the balls is funny. Doing it once a week, every week is just sad. This is becoming the innerweb version of that Pete and Repeat knock knock joke.
Bad Kermit Originally Posted By trueblue
Bad Kerm, you should have a “stupidest question in the Muskbag” contest. whoever sends in the dumbest question wins.
But it’s so hard to choose just one!
Andy Maybe this is Muskrat’s plan? She’s going to answer the same seven questions every week until Kermit goes insane?
BigFlax Are there even questions she doesn’t answer? If so, are they all just so riddled with spelling errors as to be unreadable? Does this barrel even have a bottom?
EnricoPallazzo @BigFlax - there are definitely questions she doesn’t answer because i send in at least one muskbait per week and have yet to get one answered.
any major dude Dear Carrie,
The other day, I noticed that the vintage double play combination “Dunston, Sandberg, Durham” can be rearranged into the anagram “A Breadth Dong Drums Nuns”. What are some other entertaining anagrams that can be made from the names of current or former Cubs?
bocaj Well, NOW if Mike M. from Munster, Ind. wanted to Google “Billy Petrick suspended” he’d just be immediately treated to a blog mocking his idiocy… this blog.
CT
bocaj
BigFlax
StPatrick
TDubbs
I’m just hoping the question I submitted today sneaks on in there. It’s so pointless somebody’s head just might explode.