Sweet Uncle Lou’s Friday Roundup: The “Get Bent, Hillbillies” Edition
The Braves are rapidly rising up my list of teams I hate. Seriously? After the headhunting bullshit they’ve been pulling for the last two years Yunel Escobar is going to cry about getting plunked by a guy who throws an 87-m.p.h. fastball? I also noticed those Coca-Cola-loving assholes were awful quick to run out of the dugout after Escobar got hit. Show some class, you douchebags. It sure felt good to beat the hell out of them for three straight games. Look, I don’t care what anyone says. There is a long list of guys on the Braves who deserved to get drilled. Good for Lilly for having the nuts to get it done. See you next year, you rednecks. Anyhow, here’s the Roundup:
- First and most importantly, Aramis is okay. He just bruised his hip. If it’s anything like when I bruised my hip, he’s going to start making four trips to the bathroom every night.
- The stupid-ass 7th Inning Stretch competition is back, and the contestants are dumber than ever. Observe:
I got to throw a pitch, run into home plate; I even got the grounds crew to squirt me with the water. I tried to do anything I could do … I’ll probably never get a chance to do it again. I think that’s what all Cubs fans would do.
Cubs fans don’t lose. We just don’t win all the time. Someday we will. So to call somebody a winner, no, it’s just a representative that’s gonna go up there.
What in sweet hell is wrong with these people? Then, listen to this “gag.” “Palacios began his rendition by calling for all the tenors and sopranos in the stadium to join him. The gag drew a laugh from every onlooker.” What?! That’s not a gag! Doing the stretch wearing a piano key tie with your dick hanging out. THAT’S a gag! This is just stupid.
- Take your time, Daryle. We’re scoring a bunch of runs even without your potent bat and radiant smile.
- My indignation over Soriano’s antics lasted right about until the time he drilled another home run last night.
- I’m all for instant replay, as long as we also add ring girls for between innings.
- Brewers fans seem to think that Wisconsin girls are more attractive than Illinois girls. I truly hope you ladies aren’t going to let them get away with that.
- We’re one step closer to that twelve-game road winning streak we had in 1945, which in case you didn’t hear was the last time we were in the World Series.
- Call me crazy, but I love when Carol Slezak tries to analyze baseball. It’s like me writing an article about my “mensies.”
- Dolan, on the other hand, does analysis that’s actually fun and interesting to read.
- Did someone buy Harden a new towel?
- HJE-approved Sean Marshall is getting the start on Sunday because of the double header Wednesday. Let’s hope he pitches well enough to give me the confidence to use him instead of Marquis. Actually, as long as he doesn’t drop his pants and take a big dump on the mound, that would be enough.
- I don’t see what the big deal is about Michael Phelps’ diet. I’ve been on that diet since I got to Chicago, and I haven’t lost a damn pound. Whaddya mean, “You’re supposed to be training for the Olympics while you’re eating like that”?
- Holy Taco has a list of the most gay-porn hilarious baseball names in history. Oh, and this is also hilarious.
- Looks like you Level 50 elf dorks may finally get your wish.
- Who needs a pill as long as the Huebiter is still around?
- When this stops being funny, I no longer want to live.
Well, I’m out of here. I need to pay Hendry a visit and figure out when the hell he’s going to DFA the totally useless Bob Howry.
-Sweet Uncle Lou
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
I don’t think I have ever heard Aramis’ running described as ‘scampering’ as your gal Carrie writes in the linked article about last night’s game.
@Steve – I’d refer to it as “frolicking” more than anything. I love that man, but he does look pretty gay when he runs.
Escobar is a whiny little bitch. The Braves have had this coming since the BS last year, not to mention breaking Soriano’s hand earlier this season. I’m not sure why this all started, other than the fact that Soriano OWNS the Braves, but it was getting ridiculous. Normally the whole beanball war thing seems sort of petty and childish to me (Thanks, Ozzie.) but when guys start throwing at people’s heads and breaking bones, it’s time to retaliate. Ted Lilly did it last year and got bounced (which was bullshit) and he stepped up and took care of bidness yesterday as well. At least the umps in yesterday’s game used some common sense. Now this crapola should be over, but the Braves seem hellbent on not letting this go, so next year ought to be interesting. Moral of the story: don’t fuck with a team that has Ted Lilly on the roster. This guy took a swing at his manager in Toronto, do you really think he’s going to think twice about throwing at your douchebag team? Everybody knows Zambrano is nuts, but Lilly’s got that quiet crazy thing going on. Zambrano is harmless, but Lilly just might have that lime-lined pit in his basement.
I guess this won’t be over next year either if you read Jeff Francouer’s comments in this article:
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20080814&content_id=3311215&vkey=news_chc&fext=.jsp&c_id=chc
Did these assholes miss the fact that things were left uneven last year after Renteria smacked Fontenot? Then they break Alfonso’s hand this year in the series in Chicago and throw at his dome in Atlanta? The Cubs retaliate and we’re the bad guys. Hey, Jeff. Fuck you sideways, buddy.
I think ring girls would be perfect at Wrigley. I went into the neighborhood for the first time in a couple years the other night. Sweet, sweet Jobu, that place has turned into Vegas minus the stripper after-smell.
You know, they say scents evoke the most memories.
@JackB – I can’t wait until the Cubs play these assholes again next year. What a bunch of crybabies. I guess this is what happens when you’re not used to losing. Take your ball and go home, Braves. Thanks for the six wins.
Lou Piniella had that nifty pirate outfit for halloween last year. It’s too bad halloween isn’t soon, or he could go as General Sherman before the (potential) joke got too stale.
Oh, I re-read the Jeff Blauser entry in the bottom 126 in honor of the sweep, too. Good stuff.
As for Francoeur’s comment, that Tommy Lasorda tirade about Kurt Bevacqua, who has about the same OBP, comes to mind. Easy for him to talk. Francoeur’s not at risk. Why the hell bean a guy who’ll strike out when you’re just trying to brush him back?
The team that was respected through the 90′s has turned into a bunch of punk/bitches. It’s so much fun to watch them get their asses kicked. Did you see them all run onto the field and then just stand there like they had accomplished something. Bobby Cox will be in the hall of fame someday. Maybe he should start the clock now.
It’s times like this I wish we still had Farnsworth. That dumbshit would’ve ran out and body slammed one of those clowns just for fun.
When I clicked on that link, the ad in the lower right of the page featured Goose Gossage plugging a car. The copy: “Goose’s Rule #47: I own home plate. Back off!”
Just a fun little thing the Universe threw together for me.
From JackB’s link:
‘”No good,” was the only response Escobar, who speaks limited English, would provide.’
Chico Escuela and the Gladiator agree, buddy.
@Bad Kermit –
I guess what irritates me is that the Braves actually are pissed that Escobar got hit. You break our 126 million dollar player’s hand in one series and then throw near his head in another and you’re bitching because your guy got a swollen elbow? And as for Jeffie, when did Lilly throw at McCann? I must’ve missed that one. The way I see it, is Renteria=Soriano pt.1, and Escobar=Soriano pt.2. We still owe those tomahawk slinging fuckers for Fontenot. Crybabies is right, but damn, I really used to respect the Braves. They used to set a standard for the rest of the league, and it looks like they just can’t handle being fourth tier in that division. Are players supposed to apologize now for kicking a pitcher/team’s ass? If so, where’s our apology from Carlos Lee? I know I’ve advocated throwing at Lee in the past, but holy hell, I was KIDDING!
As someone who only gets to watch the Cubs when they come to ATL, ITA that the rednecks and their redneck fans got what they deserved. I’m SO happy we swept them – they suck so hard it’s almost pornographic.
Background on McCann:
http://www.wrigleyville23.com/2008/06/ted-lilly-has-good-memory.html