The Braves are rapidly rising up my list of teams I hate. Seriously? After the headhunting bullshit they’ve been pulling for the last two years Yunel Escobar is going to cry about getting plunked by a guy who throws an 87-m.p.h. fastball? I also noticed those Coca-Cola-loving assholes were awful quick to run out of the dugout after Escobar got hit. Show some class, you douchebags. It sure felt good to beat the hell out of them for three straight games. Look, I don’t care what anyone says. There is a long list of guys on the Braves who deserved to get drilled. Good for Lilly for having the nuts to get it done. See you next year, you rednecks. Anyhow, here’s the Roundup:

  • First and most importantly, Aramis is okay. He just bruised his hip. If it’s anything like when I bruised my hip, he’s going to start making four trips to the bathroom every night.
  • The stupid-ass 7th Inning Stretch competition is back, and the contestants are dumber than ever. Observe:

    I got to throw a pitch, run into home plate; I even got the grounds crew to squirt me with the water. I tried to do anything I could do … I’ll probably never get a chance to do it again. I think that’s what all Cubs fans would do.

    Cubs fans don’t lose. We just don’t win all the time. Someday we will. So to call somebody a winner, no, it’s just a representative that’s gonna go up there.

    What in sweet hell is wrong with these people? Then, listen to this “gag.” “Palacios began his rendition by calling for all the tenors and sopranos in the stadium to join him. The gag drew a laugh from every onlooker.” What?! That’s not a gag! Doing the stretch wearing a piano key tie with your dick hanging out. THAT’S a gag! This is just stupid.

  • Take your time, Daryle. We’re scoring a bunch of runs even without your potent bat and radiant smile.
  • My indignation over Soriano’s antics lasted right about until the time he drilled another home run last night.
  • I’m all for instant replay, as long as we also add ring girls for between innings.
  • Brewers fans seem to think that Wisconsin girls are more attractive than Illinois girls. I truly hope you ladies aren’t going to let them get away with that.
  • We’re one step closer to that twelve-game road winning streak we had in 1945, which in case you didn’t hear was the last time we were in the World Series.
  • Call me crazy, but I love when Carol Slezak tries to analyze baseball. It’s like me writing an article about my “mensies.”
  • Dolan, on the other hand, does analysis that’s actually fun and interesting to read.
  • Did someone buy Harden a new towel?
  • HJE-approved Sean Marshall is getting the start on Sunday because of the double header Wednesday. Let’s hope he pitches well enough to give me the confidence to use him instead of Marquis. Actually, as long as he doesn’t drop his pants and take a big dump on the mound, that would be enough.
  • I don’t see what the big deal is about Michael Phelps’ diet. I’ve been on that diet since I got to Chicago, and I haven’t lost a damn pound. Whaddya mean, “You’re supposed to be training for the Olympics while you’re eating like that”?
  • Holy Taco has a list of the most gay-porn hilarious baseball names in history. Oh, and this is also hilarious.
  • Looks like you Level 50 elf dorks may finally get your wish.
  • Who needs a pill as long as the Huebiter is still around?
  • When this stops being funny, I no longer want to live.

Well, I’m out of here. I need to pay Hendry a visit and figure out when the hell he’s going to DFA the totally useless Bob Howry.

-Sweet Uncle Lou