Ryan Theriot Proves that Anyone Can Have a Mailbag

I guess my good friend PAUL SULLIVAN must have lost my phone number. He had a perfect opportunity to give his old pal Bad Kermit an opportunity to berate a bunch of dopey Cubs fans, and he wasted it on Ryan Theriot (be sure to check out the post-Mailbag comments; brilliant!). Fortunately, the questions are still hilariously stupid.

Ryan, Who was the first person to call you “The Riot”? I think it’s fitting since everyone says if the Cubs win the World Series there would be a riot in the city. — Patrick Blaney, Johnsburg

I, too, think it’s clever to recognize that someone’s name can be broken into two words just by adding a simple space, Pa Trick.

THERIOT: Len and Bob like to take credit for it, but it wasn’t Len and Bob. My pop says I’ve been called that my whole life, but I don’t really remember it. I hope you don’t riot.

We will celebrate however the Huebiter damn well TELLS us to celebrate. He wants a car flipped? We flip a car. He wants us to drive to St. Louis and tear down the Musial statue? Look out, I-55. He wants us to dress up like Injuns Native Americans and throw kegs of Old Style into the Chicago River? Just call me Sitting Frog.

Ryan, How do you feel about being known as ‘The Riot’? My wife loves saying it and because of it, you’re one of her favorite players (that is, one of the players whose name she can remember). How much rioting do you think would go on if the Cubs won the Series? – John M., Silver Spring, Md.

I have a completely unrelated question, Ryan. Can you expound on the fact that your nickname is “The Riot”? Also, do you think the fans would riot if the Cubs- HEY, WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE!

THERIOT: Really, I don’t mind it. But I’m personable. I like to call people by their first names as much as I can. But fans have fun it with, so it’s cool.

I dare you- DARE YOU to call Lou by his first name.

How would you rate the infield playing surface at Wrigley compared to other parks? Would you welcome a new stadium? – Dion, Chicago via Cincinnati

I rate it a 42. And I welcome our new stadium overlord. And you can’t be from Chicago via Cincinnati.

THERIOT: They’ve got a lot of work from last year and this year they’ve been doing on it, and it’s definitely gotten better. Whether it’s one of the best in the league, I don’t think so. But those guys in the grounds crew really work hard on it to get it ready for us. And no, I like playing in Wrigley, thanks.

So, it sucks, but you like it anyhow? Maybe instead of “The Riot” we should start calling you “Yellon.”

Hey Ryan - congratulations on a great season so far. Tell us about the finger-wagging towards the dugout you guys do after getting on base. What’s that all about? – Juan, Evanston

He’s flipping the double bird to that SELFISH Alfonso Soriano.

THERIOT: Thanks, Juan. The finger-wagging is just kind of like a congratulations thing. It keeps everybody in the game, just to say ‘nice job.’ Whoever is in the dugout jumping up there giving it to you — you’re giving it back to him.

That is the gayest thing I’ve ever read in a Mailbag, and I’ve read a gay Mailbag.

Riot, who wins a fight between you and Fontenot? If you two teamed up, do you think you could take Zambrano out? Inquiring minds want to know… – Erik Burgio, San Francisco

No, just you want to know.

THERIOT: I’d beat Font’s butt, though Z might kill us. But I think Z likes me, or at least I hope he does. I would never fight Font, but if I did, I’d hammer him, and he knows that.

I take it back. That last answer was only the second-gayest thing I’ve ever read in a Mailbag.

I know you love your teammates and you love playing with them, but how do you stay so consistent at the dish and most importantly, at short, knowing that there isn’t a “set” 2nd baseman? – Kevin D., Rockford

Well, when Fontenot is playing, he knows he can’t throw the ball more than four feet off the ground when turning a double play.

THERIOT: That’s a good question, Kevin D. Mike and DeRo are pretty similar, and I mean that defensively. Ronny is a very athletic player, and he covers a lot of ground. There are times when Ronny is out there where I don’t have to move as much. He can do a lot of things. You just have to know who’s out there, and their limitations, and what they can and can’t do.

Ronny can definitely do a lot of things. He just can’t do more than one of them at once. Like run the bases and slide, for example.

Ryan, recently when your LSU college team was playing one of the last games at Alex Box Stadium, the radio broadcasters were telling stories about memorable games there. One story mentioned a game in which the LSU bullpen had been completely used up in a blowout. LSU coach Skip Bertman asked the infielders if anyone wanted to pitch, and you offered to take the mound. Is this story true? Does Lou know about your pitching experience? Is Zambrano worried? – LSU Baseball Fan, Chicago

Thanks for making sure we all know that you’re the only person in the world who follows college baseball religiously.

THERIOT: Yes it’s true. Everyone knows that I’ve pitched. I make sure of that. I have nine different pitches, all of which are awesome. I have a 0.00 ERA, got one out, throwing all knuckleballs. I don’t remember who I faced — some dude from Ole Miss.

And that dude was John Grisham. At least I’m going to pretend it was, so the story is somewhat interesting.

Hey, What game stands out the most during your Cub career so far? – Brian Berns, Springfield

I bet it’s the first one where he was reunited on the field with his BFF Mike Fontenot.

THERIOT: Easy, Brian. The day we clinched the division last year in Cincy.

Liar.

My college roommate last year was also my college linemate on the school’s hockey team. I couldn’t imagine playing with him on the Blackhawks as well. What is it like to play with Mike Fontenot (pocket rocket) this many years later with the Cubs? – KC Madock, Oak Park

Dear God,

Please tell me that Mike Fontenot’s nickname is not actually “pocket rocket.” If you don’t, I will most likely stop believing in you. I cannot bear rooting for a team with players named after sex toys (NSFW). Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to watch as Derrek “Cock Ring” Lee, Alfonso “Butt Plug” Soriano, and “Anal Bead” Ramirez take on the Braves.

Regards,
BK

THERIOT: It’s a lot of fun, KC. We won together at LSU, and hopefully we can do it here too. We were close in college, but we were all close, the whole team. College is different. Everybody is there just to play baseball. Nobody has families or wives, and you’re not getting paid. So you hang out with your teammates every day, and you know all of them and you’re friends with all of them.

Another big difference between the pros and college is the number of times the guys go on panty raids. That didn’t happen in college.

Hi Ryan, just a simple question. What kind of music do you listen to? – Danny, Haltom City, Texas

Probably whatever Mike Fontenot listens to. And to the LSU fight song.

THERIOT: Simple answer, Danny: ‘Lil Wayne.

I don’t consider myself cool by any means, so I had to look up ‘Lil Wayne. Apparently, the young man was a member of the “Hot Boys.” Incidentally, it’s a terrible idea to Google “Hot Boys.”

Knowing your teammates as well as you do and considering you’re filling in for beat writer Paul Sullivan, can you put on your reporter hat for us and give us the best story/angle that has gone unreported of any Cub inside the clubhouse? – Brent, Chicago

Neal Cotts has a vagina.

THERIOT: DeRosa’s biceps. Just look at ‘em. He’s built like a pro wrestler. No, he’s built like a Greek god. We used to have some competition going, but not anymore. I’ve shrunk.

Okay, third gayest.

Riot, who do you think is the greatest shortstop of all time? Who was your favorite when you were growing up? – Parker Owens, West Palm Beach, Fla.

Parker Owens from West Palm Beach? I’m surprised Parker has time between yachting, croquet lessons, and fox hunting to enjoy such a boorish sport as American baseball.

THERIOT: Ozzie Smith, 4 sure. Whenever I could watch him on TV, I did.

Pretty much the only excuse for answering the question like that was that you were answering it by text message while driving down 90/94 during rush hour.

What would you be doing for a living if you weren’t in baseball? – Brent McNaught, Winnipeg, Manitoba

He’d be a haberdasher.

THERIOT: Nothing. Well, maybe a game warden. When I was at LSU, before I changed my major to business, I was in agriculture.

Confirming all of my suspicions that everyone from Louisiana is (1) lazy, (2) a redneck, (3) a lazy redneck, or (4) a voodoo witch doctor.

Can I take you to dinner? – Briana, Albuquerque, N.M.

A/S/L?

THERIOT: Ask my wife.

I hope his wife says yes, and that he’s forced to go to an awkward dinner with this cow.

Are the Cubs at a disadvantage because they play all of those day games or is it not an issue for you guys? – Hugo Garcia, Eagle Pass, Texas

Yeah, because the players have time to take night jobs at the local convenience stores to make ends meet.

THERIOT: Maybe, Hugo, but that’s all I’ve ever known. Bobby Howry and I were just having that discussion the other day. I think a few more night games mixed in there would probably help, but the day games are good. I mean, they even help us out because the teams that come in aren’t used to playing so many day games.

I wonder how that conversation went.

THERIOT: What’s with you blowing so bad this year?

HOWRY: I don’t know…day games?

THERIOT: Well, then, how come I don’t blow?

HOWRY: *Stabs Ryan Theriot*

Ryan - Some players wear their socks high, and some wear their pants long. If a player decides to switch, do they order shorter pants? Or do they just take their normal pants and somehow scrunch them up? And do players that wear long pants still wear high socks even if you can’t see them? Thanks and keep playing hard! – Kristin Bush, Lansing

Seriously? A fashion question? I truly hope Theriot wandered up to Aramis after he went from low socks to high socks to figure out the answer to this question and began, “Aramis, I’d really like to get into your pants…”

THERIOT: Thanks, Kristin. We get our pants tailored, so depending on length, that’s how we wear them. My socks are always up, but I don’t wear my pants up.

Tailored? I guess that’s where the term “fancy pants” comes from.

Hi Ryan, on a more fashionable point, how come the pitchers more often than not choose the alternate jersey? Looks like a minor-league jersey in my taste, BRING ON DA PINSTRIPES THERIOT!! – Sebastian, Stockholm, Sweden

Seriously? TWO fashion questions?

THERIOT: Agreed, Sebastian. I like the pinstripes, too.

I hope you don’t plan on wearing those white pinstriped jerseys after Labor Day, though, Ryan.

Ryan, Is Mark Derosa really as dreamy as he appears via cable, or is he even more gorgeous in real life? – Kirby Robinson, Lewisville, N.C.

Of all these questions, you know which one Ryan should have chosen not to answer? This one.

THERIOT: He might be the worst looking guy on the team.

Not as long as Samardzija has breath in his lungs.

Ryan, who on the Cubs team is most likely to win Last Comic Standing? – Nick, Carmel, Ind.

Clearly Lou Piniella, but you would have to enter him into the contest without him knowing it. Just set up his post-game press conference microphone in a nightclub.

THERIOT: Demp. He’s hilarious. He’s going to do some improv stuff in a couple weeks at Second City. You know we’ll be there for that one.

I don’t know if Second City can hold 24 patrons.

I understand you were a switch-hitter in the minor leagues. Do you think if you just hit from the right side you would have made it to the major leagues faster. – Dave, LaGrange

Ha ha ha! He just called out Theriot! “Ryan, do you think if maybe you, like, lifted some weights and developed a stronger arm and some power, you’d be considered a better player?”

THERIOT: Yeah, Dave, I think for sure I would have made it faster. I think it really set me back, but I think I learned from it. I learned how to fail, and I learned that different parts of my game had to be really good in order to stay on the field. Though it set me back in the long run, I think it helped me. I mean, I probably had a choice, but you never want to tell your bosses ‘no’ at that point in your career. It was my first year after getting drafted.

He also learned that dudes were not his thing.

Ryan, After reading all the things about Jim Edmonds and his ego … from reading his quotes after games he seems like a good guy and would make the team stronger. His on field helps speaks for itself, but how has he helped in the clubhouse? – JR, Omaha

Jim’s on field helps truly are awesome. So are his off field encourages and supports.

THERIOT: Jim is a great veteran presence, and that’s given us a bit of an edge. I don’t know what people expected, but I expected a great hitter and a great player, and that’s what he is.

We expected a collie molester and a washed-up ex-Cardinal douchebag. So, pretty much the same.

Riot — The majority of your hits this year have gone to right field. How much of that is trying to go to the opposite field, and how much is taking what the pitchers give you? – James, Chicago

Well, according to Baseball-Reference, 20 of Theriot’s hits have been pulled, 75 have gone up the middle, and 40 have been to right field. So, I would say 100% of the time, he takes what the pitchers give him, and 40 of those times, they’ve given him something he could dump into right field.

THERIOT: It’s just where the ball goes when I hit it.

That is the best “invisible fire engine” answer he could have written.

Ryan — I named my cat, Theriot after you. But when his name is read, at the vet or whatever, it is often mispronounced, does this often happen to you? Also do you find it weird or flattering that a cat is named after you? Keep up the good work this season! – Wes, Savannah, Ga.

Great. Every time this dude strokes his pussy he thinks about Ryan Theriot. I would suspect he’s going to go with “weird” instead of “flattering.”

THERIOT: Thanks, Wes. Actually, my name gets messed up all the time. Cats are cool, so it’s OK that your cat is named Theriot. That’s the first time I’ve heard of a cat being named after me.

Cats named Theriot are not cool. Not at all. Dogs named Ryno and Maddux, of course, are.

*Thanks to Ryan Beariot for the completely-appropriate tip.

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