CHICAGO, Ill.–The Cubs took a drastic step in their struggle to get out Astros slugger Carlos Lee Wednesday morning. Cubs general manager Jim Hendry signed Jesus Christ to a three-day contract reportedly worth thirty pieces of silver. Christ wore the number 99, as his first four choices, 3, 7, 12, and 40, were already taken.
In his first action with the team, Christ was called upon to get out Astros slugger Carlos Lee with the bases loaded, two outs, and the Cubs up 6-3. Christ, who laid his hands on and cured Kerry Wood’s arm prior to his appearance, promptly served up a go-ahead grand slam to Lee.
After the game, Hendry was frustrated with the result. “Well, I’m fresh out of ideas. How the f@#$ are we supposed to get that f@#$er out?” Hendry asked.
Lou Piniella was equally upset. “I’ve instructed all of my pitchers to bean Lee in the d@#$ whenever he steps into the box,” Piniella said. “In my day, if a guy hit a million home runs off your team, you’d stick a ball right in his earhole. Or possibly a shiv.”
Hendry called Christ a “LOOGY,” or a “Lee One Out Guy,” meaning Christ would be used in the future exclusively to get out Carlos Lee, and would likely face no other Major League batters. Christ will most likely be released at the end of his current contract and then re-signed prior to the Cubs’ next series with Houston at the beginning of September.
Until then, Hendry is looking into having Lee framed for murder and imprisoned in his home country of Panama.
I’ve been saying throw at Carlos Lee for years now. Walk him, hit him, whatever, but don’t fucking pitch to the guy. He owns the Cubs. I’d have signed him right after signing Soriano and then shipped him to some Panamanian team. So what if we would have to pay him 10 million a year for six years? It’d have been worth it.
Why do they keep pitching to him???? The mind boggles . . .
Lou’s gonna want this guy to get a haircut. And is he really going to be any better than Jesus Sanchez?
If they make him the closer I’ve got dibs on selling Jesus Saves t-shirts.
You tryin to say Jesus Christ can’t throw a curveball?
JC has some big calves. They look vaguely familiar.
The Cubs should have signed Lee to play left field when he was a free agent, before they signed Soriano. You’re telling me that guy wouldn’t hit 60 home runs playing all his home games at Wrigley?
@BigFlax – He would if he was allowed to face his own pitching staff.
Yeah, all’s well that ends well and all that, but Carlos Lee should be intentionally walked by Cub pitchers for the duration of his career.
The guy is approaching Mike Schmidt-like levels of abusing Cub pitching. Quit throwing him anything to hit!
What’s the big deal about signing some Latin pitcher named Jesus anyway?
Next week’s muskbag:
Earl from Glen Elyn: I read that the Cubs were going to sign Jesus Christ to pitch out of the bullpen. When is the last time the Cubs had a deity on the mound, and also when I’m watching a game at home, is it OK to boo when the Cubs do bad.
Carrie: I checked with Ed Hartig, and he said the Cubs have never employed a deity per se, but that Kyle Farnsworth is considered a minor demon.
You should never boo the Cubs. They are to be hugged and loved.
Remember me. I was the white scrappy less fat carlos lee.
The important question is this: Can Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that he can’t eat it?
Yeah Iguck, I can spot those calves a mile away. Blasphemy!
You know, I saw Rothchild at Barnes & Noble buying “Aramaic for Dummies” and I’m like WTF? This answers everything.
I think its a good pick up.
Future headlines:
Mysterious Hand Sores Put Christ on DL
Rothschild: Christ Improving, ‘Shroud Drill’ Helping
Christ Returns from DL Ahead of Schedule
Guillen: F#@ Jesus F#!%@&* Christ
Christ Is No Savior [Mariotti column]
His numbers in Low-A Nazareth don’t project well, but at least he’s in the NL.
BTW,
‘Shroud Drill’ Helping
that’s a keeper.
@Pell Mell – Bravo! Excellent!