HJE Presents…The Dumbest Muskbag Ever

Prepare to have your mind blown. This Muskbag is a Muskbag so astonishingly stupid. So incredibly ridiculous. So offensively bad, you very well may stop rooting for the Cubs. And you would be right to do so. There are, apparently, Cubs fans who inhabit the deepest, darkest, dumbest corners of this world. This one may be the worst I’ve read. Brace yourselves.

Why do the Cubs keep putting Howry in situations where he has to hold a lead or save a game? I understand that Wood is on the DL, but perhaps it would be wise to bring in Carlos Marmol or Samardzija in those cases since Howry has given up four or five home runs that have cost the Cubs the game in most cases.
– Alex T., McAllen, Texas

Possibly because he’s a Major League pitcher and it’s his job to hold leads and save games. However, Alex does have a point. Howry has given up eleven home runs this year. He gave up a walkoff home run to Wil Nieves (the first, and ONLY home run of his career) in that terrible Washington series. He gave up a game-tying solo home run to Jeff Kent in Los Angeles. He gave up a home run to Albert Pujols in St. Louis to cut a 2-0 Cubs lead in half. He gave up the go-ahead (and, eventual, winning) home run in the top of the 9th inning to THE MIGHTY JEREMY HERMIDA against the Marlins at Wrigley Field. He gave up a game-tying home run to Russell Branyan in Milwaukee. Finally, yesterday he gave up a go-ahead home run to Carlos Lee. That’s an awful high percentage of nut-crushing home runs.

So, yeah. Bob Howry sucks pretty bad. But let’s see how Carrie can spin it.

CARRIE: Howry would be the first to admit he didn’t perform well in July — 1-2 record, 6.75 ERA, 14 hits, 10 runs, four homers, 13 1/3 innings — and the problem has been that he can’t locate his fastball. Talking to him in Milwaukee last week, he called this the most frustrating time in his career. The Cubs also know what Howry can do when he’s on. Last season, his best months were August and September, and the hope is he will right himself.

Who is going to be the first to admit that Howry also didn’t perform well in March, April, June, and so far August? I guess I’ll do it. Howry was also bad in March, April, June, and so far in August. Rather than hoping he rights himself, I’m hoping he writes himself…a check…to pay for a plane ticket…to Iceland.

CARRIE: Marmol has been pressed into the closer role while Wood has been hurt. Samardzija needs a little more seasoning, which is why Lou Piniella called on the young right-hander last week in Milwaukee to see how he would handle a pressure situation. He passed that test. Once Wood returns, the bullpen alignment will be restored, and everyone back to their normal roles, and hopefully Howry finds his groove.

Hopefully by hooking up with that DREAMBOAT Taye Diggs!

What are the chances that Samardzija replaces Jason Marquis in the rotation? Marquis hasn’t been anything special this year, not to mention his noted second-half struggles. It seems like putting Samardzija, or even Sean Marshall out there gives the team a better chance to win.
– Blake M., Bloomington, Ind.

This is a fair question, and it would be great if Carrie would try to get a straight answer out of Lou Piniella regarding Marquis. Most likely, Lou would say, “I’m sticking with Marquis,” but it would be cool to get some insight from the man making the decision.

But let’s see what Carrie does.

CARRIE: One thing Piniella likes to do is ease young pitchers into the big leagues, which is what he did with Kevin Hart last season.

So, she didn’t ask Lou Piniella, but is rather going to pretend she knows what the hell she’s talking about by using a bad young relief pitcher to extrapolate what Lou might possibly do with a good young starting pitcher. Sweet. Also, what Lou did with Kevin Hart clearly worked PERFECTLY, as evidenced by Hart’s 7.91 ERA this season.

CARRIE: Marquis has posted quality starts this season, but hasn’t gotten much run support.

Marquis’ “quality” starts are by name alone. If Marquis gets a quality start, it’s only because the Cubs have scored 2 runs to the other team’s 3. Marquis will give you just enough out there to get the opposing team’s closer a save.

CARRIE: Marshall could get a start if the Cubs feel the situation calls for a lefty, but the team has made a commitment to Marquis.

Yes. They gave him their letterman jacket!

CARRIE: A nice, 12-0 cushion after the first two innings in his next start would definitely help.

Why? So he can give up 14 in the top of the third? If you have to hope your team averages 48 to 54 runs a game in order to win for your fifth starter, you might want to start looking for a new fifth starter.

Can you please let Wood know he should try Neosporin. I read the latest story about his blister, and Neosporin should take care of the problem in three days max. We need Woody back.
– Eric R., Chicago

What is this “Neosporin” of which Eric speaks? Wood has been letting blood and wearing a rubber suit in the hopes of ousting the demons that plague his fingers.

CARRIE: Sean S., a high school cross country coach, also suggested A&D Diaper Rash Ointment because it fixes blisters in a day. Eric C. of Metairie, La., wanted to know if Wood had tried urinating on his hand, or letting a dog lick it. Joe, a guy who “plays drums for fun, sometimes quite loudly,” suggested a product called “New Skin” which is a liquid bandage. Laura F. of Beloit, Wis., wanted to make sure Wood was tested to see if he is a diabetic because she says sores don’t heal as well.

Jack R. suggested Wood should hollow out a raw potato to the size to fit the affected finger, then stick it on the finger overnight and cover his hand and the potato in a plastic bag. It may take two days. It’s a tip from an old-time pro bowler.

Folks, Wood is as baffled as everyone else as to why his finger hasn’t healed. There is no “hidden” injury, which some e-mailers have suggested. It’s simply a stubborn blister that developed into an open sore, and if Wood has no problems on Monday, he could be back by the weekend series against the Cardinals.

Two full paragraphs of home remedies and a girl suggesting that the Super Beetus is after Wood. That’s what you just read. I was waiting for Carrie to say, “Anna R. from Bensenville suggests a delicious recipe for double chocolate chunk brownies.” The remedy that takes the cake is the guy who suggested Wood finger-bang a potato and then auto-asphyxiate his own hand. You, sir, are one sick dude.

Derrek Lee has grounded into a lot of double plays this year, far more than I’ve ever seen one player hit into. I was wondering how many he actually had and what the record is for grounding into double plays in a season, if such a record exists.
– Matt M., Macomb, Ill.

I don’t know, but if there were a record for “Most Fans Asking Stupid Questions that Could Easily Be Answered if Said Fans Were Only Made Aware of the Fact that Cubs.com Isn’t the Only Website Available on the Interwebs,” the Muskbag would win it.

CARRIE: Lee has hit into 22 double plays this year, most in the National League — the Angels’ Vladimir Guerrero has 21 GIDP. The single-season record is 34, set by Jim Rice in 1984.

Aaaaand, since Vladimir Guerrero has one fewer than Derrek, that would actually mean that Derrek also has the most IN THE MAJOR LEAGUES. I’m not quite sure why Carrie didn’t just say that. I know it’s tricky for her to work out, but can’t she just breathe into a paper bag if she’s having trouble?

With Carlos Zambrano batting .356, second behind Chipper Jones, what are the minimum number of at-bats a player needs to qualify for the batting title? Is a pitcher ever eligible to win a batting crown, and if so, has it happened before?
– Tyler M., Cedar Rapids, Iowa

You are retarded.

CARRIE: A player needs 3.1 plate appearances per game to qualify. So, since the season is 162 games, the number of plate appearances required would be 502. Zambrano most likely will not have enough to qualify.

Not so fast, Carrie! Carlos already has 67 plate appearances with 49 games left to play. Assuming he makes 10 more starts in those 49 remaining games, he only needs 43.5 plate appearances per game. Assuming you play him in the outfield during the games he’s not starting, he’s down to only 8.9 plate appearances per game. So, let’s not throw around that “most likely will not have enough to qualify” until we’re absolutely sure Carlos won’t make it.

Since this is the Cubs’ 100-year anniversary of the last time they won the World Series, I thought it would be fitting that they have a 100-win season. Have the Cubs ever had a 100-win regular season, and statistically, what are the chances for them to do so this year?
– Bud P., Palatine, Ill.

Wow. A question about the 100-year drought COMBINED with an insanely stupid question about a 100-win season? They said I was a FOOL to spend my life searching for this question! Who is the fool now?

CARRIE: The Cubs have won 100 games five times, most recently 1935 (100-54). They are on pace to win 97 games, which means more clutch hits, good pitching, and a little luck could result in 100 “W’s” — it’s not out of the question.

Is it more likely or less likely than Carlos Zambrano winning a batting title? The people want to know!

I see that the Cubs are playing a day game on Aug. 8, 2008, which will be the 20th anniversary of lights at Wrigley Field. Why isn’t the game at night? Will there be anything special occurring during the game?
– Nick V., Muncie, Ind.

Probably not, because it’s sort of silly for the Cubs to celebrate the fact that they stubbornly and foolishly held out on installing lights until the late 1980s. Not that there were many times when the Cubs needed to worry about scheduling postseason night games.

CARRIE: Part of the Cubs’ deal with the city of Chicago regarding home night games is that the team cannot play them on Friday or Saturday nights. The Friday ban is to alleviate some of the traffic congestion for the people who live in the Wrigleyville area. There is a movement to tweak that, particularly for Fridays because of the tough travel schedules the Cubs face after a road trip. The marketing folks haven’t announced anything yet for Friday’s game.

They should celebrate it like they celebrated the 60-year anniversary, by hearkening back to a night game. The broadcast should be played with “night” filters over all the lenses, and Len and Bob should hold flashlights under their chins like they’re kids at camp telling ghost stories. Plus, all the white players should play, since they won’t have to be afraid of the daytime heat.

Have Mark DeRosa and Samardzija ever played catch with a football since Samardzija was called up?
– Jerry L., Wilmette, Ill.

Are you asking this question because you’re forced to wear a football helmet everywhere you go? And oven mitts? And water wings?

CARRIE: Last week, Scott Eyre received a football for his sons, and DeRosa, a former quarterback, fired a pass to Samardzija, the former wide receiver, who cleanly caught it in the clubhouse. The football was kid-sized, but it was still a smooth move by both.

And a week later, Scott Eyre was cut! Coincidence?

I’ve noticed inconsistencies between various sports Web sites and TV programs about the stats of players who have been traded midseason. For example, some Web sites list Rich Harden as 1-1, which is his record with the Cubs, and some list him at 6-2, which is overall. The same is true with CC Sabathia. Is there any official protocol as to how to list stats after a trade?
– Ben O., Elgin, Ill.

Yes, but half those websites are running around lawless!

CARRIE: We list the composite stats, because it doesn’t seem fair to have Harden at 1-1 for the season when he’s actually made 17 starts and is 6-2. Most sites I’ve seen break down his numbers at Oakland (5-1, 2.34 ERA, 13 starts, 92 strikeouts, 77 innings) and his numbers with the Cubs (1-1, 1.11 ERA, four starts, 39 strikeouts, 24 1/3 innings).

TRANSLATION: I force Hartig to separate out Harden’s AL stats from his NL stats, and I make him wear a leather mask and a ball gag when I do it.

I have the new Cubs 100th anniversary CD and in one of the songs, the singer mentions “The Vulture.” He says he played with Santo. Who is the Vulture?
– Mackey E., North Aurora, Ill.

This one is simple. He’s the guy in green.

CARRIE: That’s Phil Regan, who went 10-5 in 1968 with the Cubs and 12-6 in 1969, but did not start a single game. He picked up the decisions — and the wins — in relief. By the way, that 100th anniversary CD, titled “Take Me Out to a Cubs Game,” includes Steve Goodman’s “Go Cubs Go,” Gary Pigg’s “You’re My Cubs,” and opens with Jack Brickhouse announcing Ernie Banks’ 500th home run. It’s available at several stores, including Wrigley Field’s gift shop, and proceeds benefit Cubs charities and the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

Nice subtle pitch. Just when you thought the Muskbag couldn’t get worse, it turned commercial. Seriously, though, I sure hope Santo is someday able to cure that Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation.

How is Michael Wuertz doing in the Minor Leagues? We haven’t heard much about him since he was sent down.
– Dawn L., Morton, Ill.

Yeah, I remember how Wuertz used to call me damn near every day “just to talk.” Ever since he got sent down to the minors and started growing hair “down there,” it seems like he just doesn’t have time for me.

CARRIE: Through Sunday, Wuertz was 0-1 with a 5.00 ERA in seven games, giving up five earned runs on eight hits and three walks over nine innings. On July 30, he threw three scoreless innings, and struck out seven.

So, wait, is he good or does he suck? Also, how bad was his ERA before if it’s only at 5.00 ERA right now after throwing three scoreless innings? I guess I could figure it out…

7.50. The answer is 7.50.

I would like to know why they call Henry Blanco “Hank White?”
– Laura F., Beloit, Wis.

Really? REALLY? You REALLY can’t figure this out? Is there seriously ANYTHING better to do in Beloit, Wisconsin, than come up with nicknames for people and figure out why OTHER people have the nicknames they have? And you STILL can’t puzzle this one out? SERIOUSLY?

“Blanco” means white in Spanish, and Hank is a nickname.

So, the question was essentially, “Why is Henry Blanco nicknamed Hank?” and Carrie’s answer is, “Because Hank is a nickname.” Outstanding.

I’ve been a lifelong Cubs fan and have been to Wrigley more times than I can count. Every time I visit, however, one question continues to go unanswered. How does the grounds crew keep the ivy from growing over the numbers? I have always been curious.
– Joel S., Humble, Texas

You know why that question continues to go unanswered? Because every time Joel asks it, he’s standing in the urinal trough at Wrigley with his pants down around his ankles, singing Tubthumping and urinating on all the bathroom patrons. I’m really not surprised he’s been to Wrigley more times than he can count. I went to Wrigley more times than he can count just this past Monday.

CARRIE: Pruning shears.

This woman has access to the Cubs organization in ways that you or I can only dream of having. She can ask questions of the club that are hard-hitting and which will lead to insightful answers which would help us get to know the players and staff of our favorite ballclub a little more personally. Instead, she chose to ask what the fucking gardener calls his scissors. Thanks.

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