God Delivers Apocalypse, Ten Commandments
Posted by Bad Kermit on Tue, Aug 5, 2008
I have never seen weather like I have at Wrigley Field last night, and I’ve driven alongside a tornado (insert JO joke here, you delinquents). Ned Ryerson and I were sitting in almost the exact center of the upper deck with as much roof hanging over both sides of us as possible, and we were soaked in minutes. The tornado sirens went off twice. People were actually locked into Wrigley Field for a while because it was so horrible on the streets. Just when I thought it was the end of the world, lo and behold, Bill Murray himself came down from on high and held aloft two stone tablets. Bill told us that God had delivered unto him the Ten Commandments of Being a Cubs Fan:
- Thou shalt not take Ron Santo’s name in vain, no matter how many times he loses track of the score or how much doom and gloom he spreads.
- Unless the St. Louis Cardinals or the Chicago White Sox are in town with a lot of fans in tow, there beist really no reason to scream, “Root, root, root for the CUBBIES!” during thine Seventh-Inning Stretch.
- If thou art a grown man, thou shalt not be caught dead in a Ryan Theriot jersey, and thou certainly shan’t wear a “You Can’t Quiet The Riot” shirt.
- Just because thou are drinking Old Style because it beist cheap, thou hast no reason to pretend that it is good.
- If thou are at Wrigley with a scantily-clad woman, thou hast no grounds for being upset if thine fellow man ogles her.
- If thine second-best pitcher for the majority of the season walks in a run, thou hast no reason to boo him.
- If thee knowest not how deep a fly ball hath been struck, take heed of what the outfielders are doing rather than cheering like a moron on a routine pop-up.
- Honor thy starting pitchers by knowing who they are prior to the game.
- If thou finds it absolutely necessary to move around during an inning, crouch thyself down and takest thee the path to the end of thine aisle which forces you to step over the fewest of thine fellow man.
- If thou beist gathered at Wrigley Field in a group of three or more in my name and thou hast a fat man in thy midst, make the fat man sit in the middle instead of crushing the strangers next to you.
Amen.
Tags: Chicago White Sox, Ron Santo, Ryan Theriot, St. Louis Cardinals
BigFlax
StPatrick
PenFoe
CT
Bocaj
August 5th, 2008 at 10:19 am
You left out that it was so bad the Tribune Company took a financial loss by cutting off beer sales.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:24 am
@Ned Ryerson – I quit drinking as soon as I thought Jesus was coming.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Quitters never win.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:43 am
Commandment 4. THANK YOU!
August 5th, 2008 at 10:54 am
That was one of the worst storms I’ve ever seen last night. I sat in my car outside my girlfriend’s house for 15 minutes because I was too freaked out by the constant lightning to get out and run for the door.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Commandment 3 = GOLD! If only because a buddy of mine was given a Theriot jersey as a gift last winter that he knows he can never wear outside of his house.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:18 am
@BigFlax- Is your girlfriend’s name Steve?
August 5th, 2008 at 11:19 am
So, you’re just supposed to say “Home Team” during TMOTTBG?
I’ll take the other 9, I can’t get down with that one.
It’s my last grip on “Cubbies”.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:23 am
No, no, no. You should still sing “Cubbies.” But there’s no logical reason to scream “CUBBIES” at the top of your lungs if there aren’t a bunch of opposing fans in the park over whom you’re trying to shout.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:24 am
Wow. I had no idea Bill Murray was dead.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:27 am
4. Depends on how you define “good.” I define “good” as “any beer that doesn’t put money in the pockets of the fucking Cardinals.” (Seriously, douchebags, quit drinking the Bud and Bud Light at Cub games, already…)
7. Good advice, but I’ll give a dispensation for anyone sitting in the upper deck for the first time. After sitting up there for the first time in probably six or seven years this past weekend (I usually try to get Terrace Reserved or bleachers), the angles up there seriously screw with your depth perception. I thought Johnson’s homer was a line drive base-hit at first.
9. Amen, amen, amen. If you’ve got a little kid needing to go to the bathroom, fine. Otherwise, wait until the end of the half-inning to climb over everyone to go get your 12th mai-tai of the day, Trixie…
August 5th, 2008 at 11:28 am
@domer.mq – He wasn’t. He was in the upper deck.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
@Jon –
Winners never quit.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
Commandment 9a – If thou is purchasing a beer from a vendor remain seated during the transaction. For there is no need to stand to remove ones wallet, ID, or coins. Nor is there a need to stand to receive the vessels of beer when they are passed to thee.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Oh yeah, okay…totally.
No need to yell it at a Cubs-Padres game at Wrigley.
However, you definitely need to yell it on the road. Loudly and obnoxiously.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
> 1. Thou shalt not take Ron Santo’s name in vain, no matter how many times he loses track of the score or how much doom and gloom he spreads.
I’m gonna guess that The Arbiter will have a bone to pick with this first commandment, Kerm.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
10. greatest rule ever. i don’t know why more people can’t acknowledge this. ps – i love old style.
August 5th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
You forgot “Thou hast no reason, ever, to use thine cellphone at a baseball game…if thine friends are truly lost…seek ye the fan assistance center instead.”
August 5th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
It is written in Revelations: “When the small bear from the city of winds places the flag upon the mountaintop, so shall be the coming of the Lord.”
So we got time…
Seriously though…This may be a sign of good. You’d think that with the Cubs being the Cubs…that a storm of the magnitude, lightning would have struck and killed Dempster, Lou and Soto.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
What if Bob Uecker is singing the stretch?
August 5th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
That should never happen again, so I’m assuming it won’t.
August 5th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
@Bad Kermit –
It shouldn’t have happened after the game on the sacred day of birth of Sweet Lou and myself, but they already did it this year, didn’t they?
August 5th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
August 5th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
I’m cool with Uecker singing the stretch if this happens every time he does so.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
That’s the sacred day of birth shared by Mr. Piniella and myself referred to earlier. What that box score doesn’t say is how Mr. Baseball was booed for the entire song, followed by the crowd singing it again with out him. I think the whole park also sang Happy Birthday to me (and Lou I guess) either that inning or a little earlier.
August 5th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
August 5th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
@Reuschel’s Jowls – Yeah,you’re right about that. The reason they all have ties to A-B is that the family trees in this God forsaken city don’t seem to fork very much.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:06 pm
I’ve come back in the middle of innings at times, and every time a pitch is about to be thrown, I sit on the aisle so people can see..then go to my seat.
Hockey games are the best, coz you’ll get RIPPED for standing during action.
I actually used to like Old Style. No joking. I don’t drink anymore, but I remember liking it back in the day.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
It’s a local thing. Like having explosive diarrhea and paying $10 for 30 beers.