I have never seen weather like I have at Wrigley Field last night, and I’ve driven alongside a tornado (insert JO joke here, you delinquents). Ned Ryerson and I were sitting in almost the exact center of the upper deck with as much roof hanging over both sides of us as possible, and we were soaked in minutes. The tornado sirens went off twice. People were actually locked into Wrigley Field for a while because it was so horrible on the streets. Just when I thought it was the end of the world, lo and behold, Bill Murray himself came down from on high and held aloft two stone tablets. Bill told us that God had delivered unto him the Ten Commandments of Being a Cubs Fan:

  1. Thou shalt not take Ron Santo’s name in vain, no matter how many times he loses track of the score or how much doom and gloom he spreads.
  2. Unless the St. Louis Cardinals or the Chicago White Sox are in town with a lot of fans in tow, there beist really no reason to scream, “Root, root, root for the CUBBIES!” during thine Seventh-Inning Stretch.
  3. If thou art a grown man, thou shalt not be caught dead in a Ryan Theriot jersey, and thou certainly shan’t wear a “You Can’t Quiet The Riot” shirt.
  4. Just because thou are drinking Old Style because it beist cheap, thou hast no reason to pretend that it is good.
  5. If thou are at Wrigley with a scantily-clad woman, thou hast no grounds for being upset if thine fellow man ogles her.
  6. If thine second-best pitcher for the majority of the season walks in a run, thou hast no reason to boo him.
  7. If thee knowest not how deep a fly ball hath been struck, take heed of what the outfielders are doing rather than cheering like a moron on a routine pop-up.
  8. Honor thy starting pitchers by knowing who they are prior to the game.
  9. If thou finds it absolutely necessary to move around during an inning, crouch thyself down and takest thee the path to the end of thine aisle which forces you to step over the fewest of thine fellow man.
  10. If thou beist gathered at Wrigley Field in a group of three or more in my name and thou hast a fat man in thy midst, make the fat man sit in the middle instead of crushing the strangers next to you.

Amen.