The Enemy is Watching Me Sleep: Rooming with an (Imaginary) Brewers Fan
The other day, Tyler from Right Field Bleachers, a Brewers blog, wrote a post about his peaceful coexistence with his Cubs fan roommate. His point?
But I suppose the real reason
for this post is not to explain
why I like Bobby, but it is to
remind fans of both the Brewers
and the Cubs that beneath
the embroidered caps and
allegiance-indicating outerwear,
these fans are people and,
despite their difference in
favorite baseball team,
have the ability to be good
and likable people.
Sickening. Let me give you the counterpoint about my (imaginary) Brewers fan roommate.
For the past year I’ve lived with a Brewers fan. And I hate the guy.
Few could have expected that I, or anyone who didn’t want to come home from work one day to find his roommate washing his feet in the kitchen sink, would willingly become roommates with a person of this cloth. However, I needed rent money. Sure, we like different baseball teams, and he’s a loud, annoying scrotum who still thinks a “Turnbow” is used during deer hunting season, but you can only make so much selling plasma. I’m also pretty sure I once caught him jerking off to a picture of Bucky Badger, but that’s neither here nor there.
Beyond his love for the Brewers and Packers, my roommate–let’s just call him “Creepy,” since he’s creepier than watching John Malkovich lick Amy Winehouse’s face–is also a NASCAR fan. That’s great for me, because I certainly have nothing better to do on a Saturday then watch him sit on MY futon sweating through his tighty whities, sitting in front of the TV, drinking straight out of the orange juice container, and watching a bunch of grown men make a bunch of left turns.
By the way, would it kill the guy to put away his porn DVD collection before my parents come to visit? I’m pretty sure my Dad had a hard time sleeping after he saw Swiss Cheese: Holes a Plenty sitting on top of the DVD player. I mean, this guy is a total nutjob. The other day, he told me that Rickie Weeks is “just about to hit his stride” and that a home/away pitching platoon “is a great idea.”
I swear to God, if I have to pick up his retro Paul Molitor jersey one more time, I’m going to scream. Does he purposely leave it sitting on the halogen lamp? THOSE THINGS ARE DANGEROUS! And don’t even get me started on the pinhole camera I found in the john.
Creepy also constantly goes out of his way to mention the fact that the Brewers helped the Cubs win the NL Central in 2003 by defeating the Astros in that final weekend of the season. He acts like he got the game-winning hit instead of just locking himself in his room and rubbing his Richie Sexson bobblehead doll on his genitals.
He’s caused me to swear off all Miller products. I mean, can’t a guy binge drink in peace without his roommate nodding smugly and saying, “You know, you’re paying Prince Fielder’s salary with that beer.” Yeah. And if I were to buy the Miller brewery, I’d have paid enough of Fielder’s salary to feed him for a weekend. As long as it wasn’t a holiday weekend, at least.
So, in the midst of this huge series against the Brewers, I have a five simple tips for those of you who might be going through the same roommate ordeal that I am.
- Remember to always wear hunting gear around the house, just so you’re easily spotted.
- Try to pretend that calling a water fountain a “bubbler” doesn’t make someone sound like a four-year-old girl.
- Remember that the right half of the far right lane and the left half of the shoulder is considered the “John Deere Lane.”
- As soon as possible, come to grips with the fact that Brett Favre will never retire, nor will he ever die.
- If you ever have to spend any significant amount of time in Wisconsin, don’t.
Creepy will be at game tonight. If you see him and he offers, make sure you only shake his left hand. His LEFT hand. I really cannot stress enough the importance of you shaking only his LEFT hand.
Anyhow, I have to get going. Creepy wants to use the computer to cyber with someone called “Cuz.” I’m just going to pretend it’s a screen name. Go Cubs!
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CT
StPatrick
PenFoe
BigFlax
Bocaj
I’m not THAT creepy
Like this??? (click here)
Why do you keep putting dishes in the footbath?
Wait… when did they get the internet in Wisconsin?
kermit, i can’t thank you enough. i was born and raised in chicago, and now live (for the time being) in wisconsin. you have helped me to understand the mindset of my awkward new neighbors. up until now, i just thought that they were mildly retarded.
dont know if you care or not but your feeds haven’t been updating on igoogle for almost 2 weeks.
I do care. Thanks for letting me know.
@way off topic – For what it’s worth, some troubleshooting pages suggest clearing your cache. Apparently, other people were having the same problem and supposedly Google fixed it.
Swiss Cheese: Holes a Plenty
That’s hilarious.
Daggum, son, you dropped some powerful fightin’ words up there. I read some more discouragin’ words about my beloved NASCAR and I might have to point my pimpled butt south, stick my thumb to the wind, and hitch a ride up north. We’ll see how cavalier the attitude is when ya see ol’ Jonny Dave and his Mullet of Magnitude through your peephole ready, waitin’, and packin’ his Knuckle Sammiches. That’s right, fella, I gotta couple of mean things at the ends of my arms and I got a right mind to use ‘em from time to time. Point of fact, NASCAR is awesome. Believe it. It’s real.
Later. Y’all be good.
^^^
Fucking hilarious!
Nice work gentlemen…Chuckie Hacks appreciates the effort.
@morpheus –
Somehow, I knew you’d make this a reality.
@Bad Kermit –
clearing the cache didn’t work but deleting and re-adding the feed did work
Hope this helps
@T to E to C –
Just here to help, TEC. As you know.
@way off topic – Excellent. Thanks for letting me know.