A baseball analogy for you. Suppose you owned a baseball league filled with horrible players. Fan interest was waning. Games were turning into 17-15 affairs. The league was a laughing stock. You, as the owner, made a decision. Instead of paring down the number of players and teams, weeding out the bad players, and trying to develop a core of real talent, you doubled the size of the league. You took scrubs from off the street to fill out rosters. You took rookies, washed-up veterans, women, children, and Jason Marquis. You would be an idiot to do that, right? Yes. Yes, you would. So, imagine my surprise when I read the Muskbag yesterday to see this:

In order to be more timely and handle as many questions as possible, the Cubs’ mailbag will run every Monday, instead of every other week. Keep those emails coming.

I feel like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog when he went to a Bon Jovi concert and said, “Wait, you’re going to AMPLIFY this crap?” I suppose if you’re a “glass is half full” kind of guy, you’re not FroDog you might say at least we have twice as many Muskbags to mock. So, let’s get to it.

I’m worried about the Cubs’ road record. With the American League winning the All-Star Game, should the Cubs make it to the World Series, they would not have home field advantage. What has history shown for World Series teams that have a losing road record, and do not have home field advantage?
– Paul M., Louisville, Ky.

History has shown us but one thing. As long as there are mailbags, there will be people like you worrying about things like this and pissing off people like me.

CARRIE: Since 1995, only three teams have won the World Series with losing road records. They include the 2006 St. Louis Cardinals (34-47 road record); the 2003 Florida Marlins (38-43); and the 1997 Marlins (40-41).

I’m not going to bother wondering why Carrie picked a completely arbitrary year like 1995. It’s not as though she needed to go back to 1995 to include the Marlins, and it’s not like there was a team in 1995 that did it to further prove her point. I will point this out, though. Carrie included the three teams with sub-.500 road records who won the World Series. Well, there were only four other teams to make the World Series with a sub-.500 road record in that time.

2007 Rockies 39-42
2005 Astros 36-45
2000 Mets 39-42
1996 Braves 40-41

What’s the point of this? There is no point, and maybe that’s exactly the point. You see, for all intents and purposes, the Cubs have pretty much the same chance of winning the World Series with a sub-.500 road record as they would of losing it with a sub-.500 road record according to Carrie’s statistics. In fact, if you were prone to misinterpreting statistical probabilities, you might say that the Cubs have a better chance of winning the World Series with a sub-.500 road record, just to even up the winners and the losers at 4-4.

What chance is there, if any, that Hill will be back up in the Cubs rotation this year?
– Jeff S., Brookfield, Ill.

Probably about the same chance that people will eventually stop asking questions about Rich Hill.

CARRIE: Hill won’t be called up this month, and most likely not in August either. And the Cubs are prepared for the left-hander to spend the entire season in the Minor Leagues, if necessary, to get back on track. In two starts so far for Class A Daytona, Hill is 1-1 with a 5.79 ERA, but has walked eight over 9 1/3 innings. He needs time to get his mechanics in sync, and having him pitch in the Minors is the best scenario.

I’m going to do Jeff S. of Brookfield a favor. I got together a simple flowchart that he can use to determine if Rich Hill–or any other pitcher, for that matter–should be up on the big club.

Is there any update on Pie? He’s been in the Minors for a while. Has his hitting improved?
– Dan M., Omaha, Neb.

After our weekly Rich Hill and Felix Pie updates, can we get a progress report on Mike Harkey and Kevin Orie? For a franchise with such a soul-crushing past, a lot of Cubs fans sure seem to like dwelling on it.

CARRIE: Pie was batting .278 in 56 games for Triple-A Iowa, with seven homers, 13 doubles, four triples, 36 RBIs, and seven stolen bases. After getting off to a slow start, he was batting .370 in July with three homers, four doubles and 14 RBIs. Yes, he’s improved.

Yippee.

What time is the game on Aug. 10?
– Cody T., Elgin, Iowa

No. No, you did not. You did not just ask this question in a Muskbag. And Carrie did not fucking field this question. This is all a dream. A nightmare. And I’m going to wake up in a minute and forget this ever happened.

CARRIE: The Cubs’ Aug. 10 game against St. Louis will begin at 7 p.m. CT to accommodate ESPN. A reminder: the Aug. 4 game vs. Houston will start at 6:08 p.m. CT, and will also be broadcast on ESPN.

And an all-new I Survived a Japanese Game Show is on ABC tonight at 9:00 ET.

I’m taking my son, Alex, to Chicago next month for the Houston and St. Louis series. It’s been a lifelong dream to get to Wrigley, and we finally get to go on what may be the last year that it’s called Wrigley Field. In your opinion, any must-see attractions for the off-day between games?
– Bart B., Coeur d’Alene, Idaho

When you’re looking for fun things to do in Chicago, the smart thing to do is ask the most uptight spinster you can possibly find.

CARRIE: You didn’t say how old Alex is, but among the many, many options are Navy Pier, the Lincoln Park Zoo, the Art Institute downtown, Millennium Park, the Shedd Aquarium and the top of Sears Tower. Depending on your food interests, there’s Chinatown, deep dish pizza, and many insist on dinner at Harry Caray’s restaurant. Check out an Access Chicago book.

Yeah, or check out Metromix. Because that nightlife resource doesn’t suck at all, either.

Who was the last Cub to steal home? Or has no Cub ever bothered to steal it?
– Chuck P., Paraty, Brazil

That’s sort of a sassy way to ask that question. That’s like saying, “When’s the last time the Cubs won the World Series? Or can’t those assholes be BOTHERED to win the World Series?”

CARRIE: On July 29, 2006, Angel Pagan stole home as part of a double steal with Ronny Cedeno against the St. Louis Cardinals. It was the Cubs’ first steal of home since Ricky Gutierrez did so on Aug. 10, 2001, against San Francisco. Frank Schulte holds the team all-time record for steals of home with 22, and Johnny Evers stole home six times in 1907. Joe Tinker stole home twice in one game — June 28, 1910, against Cincinnati.

If you were wondering why you would have rather watched your own mother be eaten by a shark than the 2006 Chicago Cubs, here is one solid reason. One of the highlights of the 2006 season was Angel Pagan stealing home. On a double steal. With Ronny Cedeno on the back end.

When was the last time the All-Star Game was played at Wrigley Field?
– Phil R., East Peoria, Ill.

Right around the last time that anyone ever mentioned East Peoria in any sort of non-sarcastic fashion.

CARRIE: The All-Star Game was played at Wrigley Field on July 10, 1990, and the American League beat the National League, 2-0. Julio Franco hit a two-run double in the seventh, and was named the MVP. I’ve heard some rumors — and they’re only rumors — that Wrigley may be the host for the 2014 All-Star Game.

And I’ve heard some rumors–and they’re only rumors–that we’ll all be able to ride our hoverboards to that game. And we’ll eat Soylent Hot Dogs. And dogs will take us for walks. And Ned Yost will still be retarded.

In the Aquafina commercial where Lou Piniella comes out and “argues” with the umpire, is it an actual MLB umpire or an actor? If it is an umpire, who is it? I laugh every time I see that commercial.
– Paul L., Mishawaka, Ind.

I have an equally-valid question. Are YOU an actor? Possibly a satire writer? Look, I lived for seven years in South Bend, right next to Mishawaka. I know there’s nothing to do around there. But if you seriously laugh every time you see that commercial, you need to get yourself checked into a hospital.

CARRIE: It’s an actor, but the Cubs’ Mr. Versatility, Mark DeRosa, also is in the commercial as one of the players.

Is he “acting” like he can hit in that commercial? Because it would sure be nice to see a little bit of that sometime during the second half of this season.

What is the deal with Angel Guzman? Will he ever pitch again for the Cubs?
– Justin C., Cambridge, Ohio

Please see the above-referenced flow chart. Please also note that David Kelton and Andy Sisco questions are now considered “off-limits.”

CARRIE: Guzman is making steady progress from Tommy John ligament replacement surgery, which he had at the end of last season. He is throwing simulated games in Mesa, Ariz., at the team’s facility, and has just started throwing breaking pitches. Cubs pitching coach Larry Rothschild was able to watch Guzman when the team was in Arizona, and said the pitcher was throwing so well, you wouldn’t have know he had undergone arm surgery.

And Carrie is selecting questions for this Muskbag so well, you wouldn’t have know (sic) she had undergone a lobotomy.

Clarification: In the July 14 Mailbag, Andy K. of Griffith, Ind., wanted to know what would happen if a player such as CC Sabathia or Rich Harden were selected to the All-Star team in one league, and then traded to the other league before the All-Star Game. My answer was that the pitcher would most likely not pitch for the other league’s All-Star squad. A Major League Baseball official told me it had never happened.

However, in 2004, Carlos Beltran was named to replace injured Ken Griffey Jr. on the NL team. Beltran was traded from the Kansas City Royals to the Houston Astros in mid-June, and was voted by the players to make the AL All-Star team. The player voting began on the same day as the trade, so MLB was not able to switch him to the NL ballot. MLB announced that Beltran would be considered an All-Star and was invited to participate in the activities, but would be ineligible to play. However, he was eligible to replace an injured player.

Oh, Carrie. Methinks you got FACED after the last Muskbag. Can you please start admitting all of your wrongdoings? I look forward to next week’s clarifications:

Clarification: In the July 28 Mailbag, I made the mistake of thinking that anyone outside of the former-letter gave a shit about the following players: Rich Hill, Felix Pie, and Angel Guzman. I sincerely regret the mistake, and in the future will try to answer questions that people actually care about. Like, for example, those concerning current Cubs players or relevant and topical baseball issues.

Another Muskbag in the books. Lucky for us, that means we’re less than seven days away from the next Muskbag! Feel the excitement!