Okay, Since NOT Taking Batting Practice Didn’t Work…
Since HJE has insider access that even the cameras don’t have, allow me to present this scene which unfolded prior to last night’s game in Arizona.
EXT.–CHASE FIELD IN ARIZONA–DAY
LOU PINIELLA stands on the field at Chase Field, where his players prepare for that night’s game against the Diamondbacks. Players are jogging around, throwing, and fielding ground balls. Lou’s bench coach ALAN TRAMMELL stands next to him and observes the baseball activities.
How are we going to fix this, Lou?
Fix what?
The offense, Lou. The offense has been awful lately.
Okay, okay, okay. Just give me a minute here. What did we do the first two days in Arizona? Did we have batting practice?
No.
No? And how many runs did we score?
Two.
Two? TWO?! Are you sure you’re not looking at Santo’s scorecard?
Pretty sure, Lou. Santo keeps his scorecard with a crayon.
That reminds me of the one time Fontenot jammed a crayon so far up his nose that he couldn’t move his legs for a week.
You say something, coach?
Never you mind, you pigment-challenged midget! Go stand some place where your skin isn’t going to blind me!
Fontenot crawls underneath the dugout bench.
Now, where was I?
You were trying to figure out how to get the team hitting better by doing something other than taking batting practice.
That’s right. You, there! Cedeno!
Yeah, Coach?
Spin in a circle and wave your arms around!
Like this, Coach?
Exactly! Edmonds!
Yo, yo, yiggidy yo, Skip.
Drop and give me a thousand leg lifts. And for God’s sake, man, put a shirt on.
Can I get a spotter, Skip?
No, you may not. Fukudome!
Right over here, Coach.
Isn’t there anything you used to do in Japan to break out of a slump? Some sort of ancient Japanese ritual or tradition?
I have just the thing. I’ll be right back.
Fukudome disappears into the locker room.
I like that kid. He’s okay.
Yeah. Good kid.
Fukudome returns from the locker room.
How’s this, Coach?
Perfect! Theriot!
That’s me, Skipper!
Do you still have your invisible fire engine?
Do I ever!
I need you to drive it to Potbelly and get me a wreck with extra hot peppers.
WHOOOOOOO OOOOOO WHOOOOOOOO!
Theriot dashes toward the clubhouse, but runs face first into the wall next to the clubhouse door.
Thank God he was wearing his helmet. You think any of this is going to work, Lou?
Hell yes. Just as long as we let Aramis sacrifice a chicken before the game. But where are we going to get a chicken?
Did someone say “chicken”?
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CT
bocaj
StPatrick
TDubbs
BigFlax
This was awesome. Especially the part about The Wreck from Potbelly’s. Easily their best sammich.
Although this black line down the left side is weird.