Dear Randy Johnson,
God damn you. God damn you to your NASCAR God. I hope your Miller High Life ends with you alone and crying into a throw pillow upon which an embroidered Calvin is urinating on a Ford sign.
Here is some advice for you, Randy Johnson. Take a fucking shower. Seriously. Get some soap, pick up some Pert or, if you’re feeling really bold, Pert Plus, walk down the dirt path outside of your trailer to the community shower, and clean that up. Clean it up, Randy Johnson.
Or, wait. Are you a time traveler? Are you from 1983? Did you just finish a wild game of Spy Hunter at the local penny arcade, jump into your DeLorean, and arrive at last night’s game? I bet you barely had time to undo the tight rolls on your stonewashed jeans and straighten out your perm before making your start.
Let me tell YOU something, Randy Johnson. Your ass better not retire until the Cubs have beaten you at LEAST one time. How in the hell can you be 13-0 against any team? The law of averages would suggest that you have to have lost at least one game to the Cubs in your career.
This is my curse to you, Randy Johnson. I demand that you continue to play the game of baseball until you either (i) lose to the Cubs, or (ii) die right out there on the mound. You will be stapled, taped, and sewn together for the rest of your days until you are defeated. And I will be there. And I will laugh. And on that day the earth will open wide and swallow us both whole.
You suck.
Actually he’s pretty good
Yeah, he’s actually pretty good at this pitching thing. The Cubs just weren’t good at the hitting thing last night.
Side note: Goddamn you, Arizona, for being in that putrid time zone.
http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:S8uFRRJ_VVCIoM:http://spyhunter007.com/Images/spy_hunter_backglass.jpg
Ballin
I, too, must join in on the Randy Johnson love.
But not to fear Kerm, we’ll get him eventually. We will.
Where the hell have you been? I thought you drowned in Iowa.
He should have lost yesterday. Did you know that Johnson allowed fifteen fly balls yesterday? He’s only done that twice before in his career, once earlier this year vs. the Twins, and once in 1992 vs. the Yankees. He only struck out four. The Cubs were pounding the ball off him and everything just stopped right at the warning track due to sheer bad luck. He’s not really that good anymore and he just got lucky. Fuck him and the fact that this game led to every morning radio show mocking the Cubs for their supposed futility against him. The Diamondbacks got lucky on defense because every ball that was ripped off Johnson happened to go right at someone. Dominant my ass.
And that someone happened to be Chris Young every time. I hate that guy.
Last night was arguably the most frustrating loss to Johnson, for two reasons.
1. Harden pitched balls-out, only to have his effort wasted, again.
2. Johnson wasn’t baffling hitters with his stuff or anything. The Cubs were pounding the ball all over the yard, only to have every single well-hit ball right at a defender. Ramirez’s “are you fucking kidding me?” look when the ball he crushed to left died on the warning track said it all.
Anytime D-Lee wants to quit pounding 2-0 pitches straight into the freakin’ ground with runners in scoring position is fine with me, too.
“Fun” fact: Harden had a better game score than Johnson did. Now, that’s a more or less made up stat and obviously the 10 Ks were the difference, but… he had the best game score of any pitcher in the majors last night and took a loss. I don’t think he’s going to lose any more wins the way he did in the Giants game, but they’d better score a shit-ton of runs for him next time he pitches.
This gets the coveted JOn seal of approval.
I endorse this post 1000%
This guy first faced the Cubs before I had gotten laid, graduated from high school, graduated college, drank through my 20′s, got married, and became a father. He’s 45 and they still can’t fucking hit him. That game last night and that mullet-faced fucky fuck has irritated me beyond the point of any calculable reason. Why the fuck can’t we beat this fucking monkey just one fucking time?
He first faced the Cubs in 1963?
He’s giving Mike Schmidt a run for his money.
I’m Andrew P. Peck and I approve this anger.
I like that the Cubs lost. I want to see a three way race all the way to the wire! That’ll be fun!
Oh, fuck that. It’s time to start hitting you slapdick three games with less than two runs after the break fucks. Time to kick the Tards and Crew in the balls and let them fight it out for third loser in the NL.
It makes no sense. Since the first time Johnson beat the Cubs, the roster has changed multifold.
Even though it’s PLAYED OUT, I just can’t resist.
KERM IS RIGHT!!!!!!!