If you’re like I am, you spent most of last night drunk giddy over the Rich Harden/Chad Gaudin (go-DAN? Really? When is his rematch against Godzilla?) trade. Now, it’s time to get serious again. This particular blog entry in USA Today is too good to pass up. Apparently, the Ozzhole has made his e-mail address, OzzieGuillen13@hotmail.com, public.

First of all, who the fuck still uses Hotmail? Is he answering his e-mail on a Commodore PET by way of the ARPANET? Is he sitting in his beanbag chair under the glow of his lava lamp wearing bell-bottoms and a tie-dye shirt? I hope he doesn’t lose track of time, because if you leave the activator in your jheri curl for too long, there’s going to be trouble.

Anyhow, there is absolutely no way that the rabbit-eared Guillen can resist responding to some of these e-mails. HJE was able to come up with the most-likely opening lines of e-mails likely to elicit a profanity-laden response from Guillen. HJE is not–I repeat. IS NOT–encouraging anyone to e-mail Guillen. I’m just giving you the tools to do so, if you’re so inclined. Anyhow, here is the list.

“I don’t want to say Venezuela smells like a dirty foot, but…”

“I went to a game in Detroit earlier this year, and I have to say that Magglio Ordonez is one of the nicest human beings I’ve ever met…”

“I’m a Northside guy…”

“You’re like the Section 8 version of Chico Carrasquel, only with less power…”

“I know you asked me to bean that guy, but I didn’t feel like it…”

“Jay Mariotti says you’re a fag…”

“Ozzie, are you on the same diet plan as Miguel Cabrera?”

“Soul Glo!”