If you’re like I am, you spent most of last night drunk giddy over the Rich Harden/Chad Gaudin (go-DAN? Really? When is his rematch against Godzilla?) trade. Now, it’s time to get serious again. This particular blog entry in USA Today is too good to pass up. Apparently, the Ozzhole has made his e-mail address, OzzieGuillen13@hotmail.com, public.
First of all, who the fuck still uses Hotmail? Is he answering his e-mail on a Commodore PET by way of the ARPANET? Is he sitting in his beanbag chair under the glow of his lava lamp wearing bell-bottoms and a tie-dye shirt? I hope he doesn’t lose track of time, because if you leave the activator in your jheri curl for too long, there’s going to be trouble.
Anyhow, there is absolutely no way that the rabbit-eared Guillen can resist responding to some of these e-mails. HJE was able to come up with the most-likely opening lines of e-mails likely to elicit a profanity-laden response from Guillen. HJE is not–I repeat. IS NOT–encouraging anyone to e-mail Guillen. I’m just giving you the tools to do so, if you’re so inclined. Anyhow, here is the list.
“I don’t want to say Venezuela smells like a dirty foot, but…”
“I went to a game in Detroit earlier this year, and I have to say that Magglio Ordonez is one of the nicest human beings I’ve ever met…”
“I’m a Northside guy…”
“You’re like the Section 8 version of Chico Carrasquel, only with less power…”
“I know you asked me to bean that guy, but I didn’t feel like it…”
“Jay Mariotti says you’re a fag…”
“Ozzie, are you on the same diet plan as Miguel Cabrera?”
“Soul Glo!”
Ozzie’s had that address since 2004. Nice that Rick Morrissey just heard about it.
“…or where I come from or my English, that’s not right. It makes me upset. It makes me sad.”
Awwwwwww isn’t that precious? Is makes Ozzie sad
“As Morrissey writes: That’s pretty cool. There can’t be another manager in baseball who does it. You get the feeling the only person Cardinals manager Tony La Russa would give his e-mail address to would be God, and only then for the times God needed advice.”
I gotta say, that is pretty awesome. Kudos to Rick Morrissey for knocking LaRussa down a peg…unless of course he isn’t being sarcastic, in which case, fuck him.
i was shocked to read that because i was so amazed to see morrissey write something that isn’t complete garbage but after re-reading it i am pretty sure there is no sarcasm in what he says about LaRussa.
Just let your sooooooooooooouuuuuuuullllll gloooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwww!
“Dear Sir:
I am a Nigerian diplomat in need of a large cash deposit in my bank account.”
http://f3.yahoofs.com/ymg/ept_sports_mlb_experts__8/ept_sports_mlb_experts-367214663-1215605020.jpg?ymd0jq_Cx3go5.lK
^ off topic, but that would make for a great Photoshop session.
While we’re on the topic of assholes, here’s a photograph that would make for a great Photoshop round.
You forgot…”So you got the hidden ball trick pulled on you twice?!?”