Don’t fret, Cubs fans. The Brewers landing C.C. Sabathia isn’t the worst thing that could happen, and here’s why.

  1. The lead is still 3.5 games, and the only ground the Brewers have made up has been largely when the Cubs were without Soriano and Zambrano.
  2. 510 pounds of Sabathia and Fielder in the clubhouse + 1 state filled with cheese and beer + 1 deep fryer. You do the math.
  3. Sabathia is a better hitter than Rickie Weeks and Bill Hall.
  4. Ryan Braun still has to play the outfield.
  5. Ben Sheets is ten pitches away from his arm flying off and landing in Bob Uecker’s lap.
  6. Ned Yost still needs to wear a helmet to bed.
  7. Cubs who have more RBIs than Fat Prince: Aramis Ramirez, Derrek Lee, Geovany Soto, Mark DeRosa (and Soriano, after missing a month, is only 5 behind The Regal Eater).
  8. C.C. can’t go nine innings every start, and if he doesn’t
    Bottom of the 9th, Diamondbacks Batting, Behind 0-5, Guillermo Mota facing 7-8-9
                      Guillermo Mota replaces Eric Gagne pitching and batting 9th
              ---  4    2%  R Hammock       Single to 3B (Ground Ball to Weak SS)
              1--  5    4%  C Burke         Walk; Hammock to 2B
              12-  2    9%  A Ojeda         Single to 2B (Ground Ball to 2B-1B); Hammock to 3B; Burke to 2B
                      Brian Shouse replaces Guillermo Mota pitching and batting 9th; Chad Tracy pinch hits for Leo Rosales batting 1st
       RRR    123  1   21%  C Tracy         Double to CF (Fly Ball to Deep CF-RF); Hammock Scores; Burke Scores; Ojeda Scores
                      Salomon Torres replaces Brian Shouse pitching and batting 9th
              -2-  5   37%  J Upton         Single to RF (Line Drive to CF-RF); Tracy to 3B
       R      1-3  2   73%  O Hudson        Double to LF (Line Drive to Deep LF Line); Tracy Scores; Upton to 3B
       RR     -23  6  100%  C Jackson       Single to CF (Ground Ball thru SS-2B); Upton Scores; Hudson Scores
            6 runs, 6 hits, 0 errors, 1 LOB. Brewers 5, Diamondbacks 6.
  9. Carlos Zambrano will swallow your still-beating heart if you imply that he’s not as good as Sabathia.
  10. The trade deadline isn’t here yet.