Hire Jim Essian

Well, well, well. Lookie who’s the first Cub to make the All-Star Team. Soriano? Bitch. Soto? Bitch. Fukudome? Bitch. Anyhow, it’s Roundup time.

• Hey, I thought you couldn’t pull fat.
• Congratulations to the Fresno State underBulldogs for winning the College World Series.
• QUICK! Someone drop a bomb on Deadspin while they’re both there!
• Rick Kranitz is busy trying to make himself look as smart as I am.
• Back in my day, players played until they dropped dead on the field. These guys are a bunch of pansies.
• Be amazed at the picture under “Day 2″ of this post. It’s not a throwback jersey. I think that actually IS Gaetti.
• Important safety tips for Jim Edmonds.
• Clearly, Joe Morgan is an absolute Sandberg-hating douche, but if it’s true he’s leading the charge for Santo, at least that’s one thing he’s done right in his miserable life.
• Speaking of leading the charge, clearly HJE led this one.
• Is Jim Heavy’s trade of Jose Hernandez, Bobby Hill, and Matt Bruback for Aramis Ramirez the best one he’s ever made?
• For the last time, I DON’T TALK LIKE THAT!
• That nerd Kermit said some cartoon movie came out this week and he demanded that I post this review.
• Look, you know I don’t do a whole lot of interesting links, but this one which I originally found at Boing Boing is pretty crazy. Maybe Rothschild should talk to these doctors about his balls.

Well, that’s all for me. Let’s hope for more jealous sour grapes after this weekend’s series. Have a good one, you jerks.

-Sweet Uncle Lou