After Ryan Dempster and Kevin Millar spent their Spring Training verbally sparring through the media, HJE decided what better way to settle this once and for all than Dempster/Millar point/counterpoint? HJE: Allowing Wanna-Be Comedians to Play Public Grabass Since 2008.

POINT: With our offense still clicking on all cylinders, even with the loss of Alfonso Soriano and with Derrek Lee having gone through a lengthy slump, this team is tops in the National League.


COUNTERPOINT: I didn’t brush my teeth this morning, and I probably won’t brush them tonight.


POINT: I’ve been very pleased with my contributions to the team, and I’m really enjoying my transition from the bullpen back to the starting rotation.


COUNTERPOINT: My jeans are so tight, it feels like a midget is squeezing my balls.


POINT: Our bullpen has been very solid this year, and it’s great seeing Kerry Wood contribute to the team in a meaningful way.


COUNTERPOINT: Trot Nixon shaves his pubes.


POINT: This is one of the most likable teams I’ve ever been a part of. Everyone is rooting for each other and keeping things light in the clubhouse.


COUNTERPOINT: One time, I tried to fuck a Jello mold.


POINT: Looking ahead to the rest of the season, I don’t see the Cardinals or the Brewers having the talent to compete with us for the NL Central title.


COUNTERPOINT: I wrote a song called “Cowboy Up While Goin’ Down.” You want to hear it?


POINT: No.


COUNTERPOINT: It’s just as well. It’s mostly just about getting a boner while giving oral sex.


POINT: Lou Piniella has been a big part of the reason we’ve had so much success. His baseball acumen is unmatched by any manager I’ve ever had.


COUNTERPOINT: One time I passed out on a subway car, and I’m pretty sure a hobo shit in my mouth.


POINT: We’re looking forward to seeing the Orioles come in to Wrigley Field for the first time ever, and we hope to send them home with three straight losses.


COUNTERPOINT: Hey, Ryan! Is that a hairy piece of gum on my inner thigh? Check it out! Ha ha ha! It’s my scrotum!


POINT: Jim Hendry has also made some key additions to this team which a lot of people questioned at first. Who would have thought that Jon Lieber and Jim Edmonds would have been as valuable to this team as they have been?


COUNTERPOINT: Do you think Marisa Miller would go out with me? Hey! Miller, Millar! It’s perfect!


POINT: Whatever happens for the rest of this year, I’d like to thank the fans for being so fantastic to us. There are no better fans in the world than Chicago Cubs fans.


COUNTERPOINT: [Lights fart]