I Can No Longer Resist…
I admit, though I loathe the former-letter site, I occasionally go there for a laugh. But I try not to write about it, because most of the time, it’s a total waste of time. As many of you know, I am firmly convinced that the entire message board is written by four guys as part of the most elaborate internet hoax in internet history. I mean, come on. The site still has “nsbb.com” written at the top of each page. Um, guys? Depending on whether or not you subscribe to my theory, the former-letterers have had their fair share of either hilarious or really, really pathetic threads. But this one, about a bunch of men desperate for a fucking foul ball, takes the cake. Let’s explore, shall we (mouseover the quotes to see who said what)?
I’m so sick and tired of whiny parents trying to get their kids foul balls and homeruns, and spoiled little brats running all over the place guilting people into giving them the balls they caught or found.
Gimme, gimme, gimme.
May the child you will never have be the biggest Cardinals fan on earth.
Agree. I saw a young adult male get hounded last summer b/c he caught a foul and kept it after some kid (not a kid with him) asked him for the ball. Dude said he’d never caught one and wanted to keep it and I don’t blame him a bit.
I don’t blame him, either. The ball was probably hit by former-letter poster boy MIGHTY MATT MURTON! Let me guess. He followed Matt around until he collected enough loose hair to adorn his ball, and now he sleeps with it under his pillow.
I was out in the bleachers last year for batting practice and had a few balls land near me. The crush of people was crazy for balls that weren’t even in official play. But no matter.
I dove for a ball and felt someone else’s hands on it. So I’m yelling that I’m not letting go of the ball and for the other guy to pry it from my cold, dead hands. Yeah, that other guy was a ten-year-old. I felt compelled to give it to him. Little brat.
What finally tipped you off the kid was only ten? The hairless knuckles? The fact that his hands were half the size of yours? The Spider-Man watch? The high-pitched squeal as you broke three of his fingers?
But I agree wholeheartedly. At that point I had waited 18 years (from my first Cubs game at 9) to get a ball. This little jerk could wait that long too.
If you folks need help with the math, that would be a twenty-seven-year-old fighting with a ten-year-old over a baseball. They’re thirteen dollars if you need one that badly, you turd.
Nobody needs a ball. But if you come up with it you deserve far more than the son of the idiot who can’t catch or the kid 2 rows over.
I’m referring specically to the douchebag last night who cried to another Cubs fan to give him the ball to give to his kid (the one who hurt his wrist), as well as the two brats sitting next to me at the Phillies game earlier this year who scammed their way into 3 foul balls that weren’t even hit near them.
How did they scam their way into the balls? Did they have two of their friends fake a fist fight while the third sneaked the ball out from under the seat, hid it in a popcorn bucket, and escaped over the side of the bleachers? Question. How did they get past the armed guards and the laser alarm system?
Or did someone less pathetic than you just give it to them BECAUSE IT’S ONLY A FUCKING BASEBALL? Sorry. A SOAPDROPPING BASEBALL!
One game the guy sitting right next to me got two balls. Was I mad and jealous? Yeah, but I never said a word, because that’s the name of the game.
I don’t think I need to pile on here.
I don’t care if a kid next to me misses out, he’s got his whole life ahead of him to try to get one. If I were getting begged by some guy to give his kid a ball, I’d keep it, after throwing a little salt in the wound. I’d ask the guy why he thinks his kid is more important than my own kid, or some kid with cancer in a hospital, or even some other kid another row or two away. Screw that guy, fans like that should be kicked in the nuts and thrown out of the stadium.
If that’s the punishment for asking for a ball for your kid, what should the punishment be for invoking a KID WITH CANCER in order to make someone feel guilty? There truly aren’t enough sodomites in the world to adequately punish you.
I had tons of kids begging for th foul ball I caught at Wrigley a couple of years ago. Still kept it. It helped that I was drunk and didn’t really care what people said, but i’d like to think the guilt trips weren’t going to get to me anyway.
Nothing can get to you, rummy!
There is a raging ass in the bleachers who has season tickets and either a young daughter or niece for whom he constantly harasses people for baseballs. AW, COMEON, GIVE IT TO THE KID!! This girl must have hundreds of baseballs at this point and actually seems embarrassed by her father’s antics.
“Ass”?! Isn’t that grounds for a one-week suspension at the former-letter?
Then we need to rant on the crowd. Next time I’m in the bleachers, I’m going to watch for such a situation, and I’ll yell “Screw the kid! Keep the ball!”
And I will be standing behind you in the bleachers. With Chris Hansen.
If I caught a ball, it would be barehanded with a beer in the other hand. That ball does not leave my hand all game.
Wow, you couldn’t be more badass, could you, BeertownCubbie? I didn’t think it was possible to epitomize the worst type of Cub fan in a simple screen name, but bravo to you, sir.
I was at a game at the cell back when the Indians had Vizquel, Bell, etc. I was about 15 rows behind the Indians on-deck circle, and for some reason, Reggie Miller was at the game and sitting about ten rows ahead of me. Well, whoever was batting squibbed a foul ball right to Vizquel, who was on deck. He picked it up, saw Reggie Miller, and tossed it to him.
Miller had been denying autographs all night, so when the crowd started hounding him for the ball, he laughed and just tossed it to the crowd behind him. So I’m sitting there, and the ball is coming right at me. I stand up, trying to draw a bead on it. It was hard to track through the forest of arms blocking my view, but at the last second, I see it’s going right above me. So I reach, and I feel my hand actually rest in the mitt of the fan behind me. I don’t care, because I also feel the ball pop right into my hand. I yank that sucker down, just as I feel the mitt snap shut. The person behind me thinks he got it, but boy is he wrong. Ole’ Snood FTW with the perfectly placed hand.
Well I turn around to gloat, and I see ten-year-old kid looking confusedly into his mitt. I immediately feel bad, and my conscience starts trying to make its presence felt through my beer addled brain. But just as I decide to give the ball to the kid, the girl I was with grabs my wrist and says, “Don’t you dare. It’s every man for himself out here.” So I kept it. At the time, I felt kind of bad about it. Now I think it’s funny.
A Reggie Miller ball?! Who could blame you?
That guy last night was a loser. That was a pathetic display.
Yeah. What’s his screen name, by the way?
38 years old. Easily been to over 250 games, NEVER gotten a ball. Guaranteed if I do, I am keeping it! Sorry for the kids, but let them get their own. Plus I have 2 children of my own. I took my oldest to his first game when he was 4 months old. After the game, we were taking some pics by the field and I got him a ball from one of the ball boys.
As I said, no baseball. I did get hit with and got a puck from the FIRST hockey game I ever went to!
Did the doctor mention anything about brain damage?
But if I caught one you can bet I would feel like a kid!! And it wouldn’t go in a box to collect dust. It would be in a ball cube next to all my autographs.
And next to your decomposing mother, propped up in a rocking chair. Right? Right?
Back in 2003, Lenny Harris threw me a ball during batting practice. It was cool, he pointed at me then tossed it up towards me and I grabbed it.
Lucky you. You can put it among your Mark Bellhorn, Dave Veres, and Alex Gonzalez balls.
a kid doesn’t need one just as much an adult. Let’s face it getting a ball at a game is a dream of just about every male who played sports.
Holy shit, dude, your dreams suck. Also, there are an awful lot of posters on here with “Cubbie” in their screen names.
No one in this conversation said anything about ripping balls out of kids hands. Quit trying to start an argument.
That’s not true, actually. Remember the dude who fought a ten-year-old over a ball? By the way, you were the one who implied that you’d tell someone that his kid doesn’t deserve a ball because he doesn’t have cancer.
The only foul ball I ever touched was a ball that was whistling and coming quick to my right. I stuck my hands out, heard the sound and pulled them back. The ball then hit this older woman right in the chest. She went down like a rock and they took her away in an ambulance. I felt horrible the rest of the game and I checked the paper the next few days and nothing was written about it so I assumed she was ok. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Nope. That was my grandmother. The ball crushed her ribs and punctured her lungs. She drowned in her own blood because of you.
Whoever gets the ball is the rightful owner…
The MLB says, “O RLY?”
When we went to Arlington earlier this year, I helped Ryne (he’s 4) get a ball. However, neither of us will stoop to asking another fan for a ball they received.
No, but you will stoop to posting over 4,000 times on a fake Cubs message board and calling your son “Ryne.” With that shit swing, you should have called him “Micah.”
I also think there are a lot of different categories. If I caught a major league homerun, I would definitely keep it. A Cubs foul ball, probably keep it. A minor league homerun hit by a promising prospect, probably keep it. Anything else I would give to a kid that wasn’t a brat and didn’t ask for it. What grown man is really going to care about a foul ball at a minor league game? Yet that’s a huge thrill for a kid.
As Thrillho pointed out in the Shoutbox, way to draw that completely rational line. Do you still have that David Kelton ball, by the way?
Most kids at baseball games are little spoiled obnoxious brats. eff them.
Most internet message board posters are sad, pathetic virgins. Eff them. See how generalizations work?
Congratulations, former-letter. You’ve herded some of the worst Cubs fans in the world all into one pleasant little community.
If you enjoyed this post, please consider leaving a comment or subscribing to Hire Jim Essian to get future articles delivered to your feed reader.
Comments
Ned Ryerson My brother caught a ball at a game once…he gave it to a kid who was in a wheelchair. A couple minutes later, a round of beers showed up for my brother and the people he was with at the game. The lesson to be learned: $30 of beer >>>> $13 ball that you had to wrestle away from a 10 year old.
And the way the guy who took his four month old son to the game was talking, I can totally this conversation having occurred: “The kid is four months old. It is time he goes to a game…besides, there is no way I am giving up these 1st row seats behind the dugout, I have been waiting my whole life to sit there. We can just bring him. I will hold him during the game….hopefully we get a foul ball hit our way.”
Fork I enjoyed the night we went and some dude was so happy for the foul ball he caught that he ignored his girlfriend getting a black eye from said ball.
Did I say “Girlfriend”? They went to the first-aid station together, she came back without him.
Irish Yeti the post that pissed me off the worst was the guy who was bragging about taking his 4 month old kid to a game. i don’t know how the rest of you feel about taking young kids to games but i think 4 months is way too young. i have not read nsbb.com for more than 5 minutes at a time but this post definitely opened my eyes to the bullshit that they have on there.
Andy ” I was at a game at the cell back when the Indians had Vizquel, Bell, etc. I was about 15 rows behind the Indians on-deck circle, and for some reason, Reggie Miller was at the game and sitting about ten rows ahead of me. Well, whoever was batting squibbed a foul ball right to Vizquel, who was on deck. He picked it up, saw Reggie Miller, and tossed it to him.
Miller had been denying autographs all night, so when the crowd started hounding him for the ball, he laughed and just tossed it to the crowd behind him.
So I’m sitting there, and the ball is coming right at me. I stand up, trying to draw a bead on it. It was hard to track through the forest of arms blocking my view, but at the last second, I see it’s going right above me. So I reach, and I feel my hand actually rest in the mitt of the fan behind me. I don’t care, because I also feel the ball pop right into my hand. I yank that sucker down, just as I feel the mitt snap shut. The person behind me thinks he got it, but boy is he wrong. Ole’ Snood FTW with the perfectly placed hand.
Well I turn around to gloat, and I see ten-year-old kid looking confusedly into his mitt. I immediately feel bad, and my conscience starts trying to make its presence felt through my beer addled brain. But just as I decide to give the ball to the kid, the girl I was with grabs my wrist and says, “Don’t you dare. It’s every man for himself out here.” So I kept it. At the time, I felt kind of bad about it. Now I think it’s funny.”
My favorite part of this gem is “the girl I was with grabs my wrist and says, “Don’t you dare. It’s every man for himself out here.” So I kept it.” He’s got one cool mom.
Andy http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y169/bhogg/ryneswingxz2.gif
What is with this kid’s fucking swing? It’s atrocious. The worst I’ve ever seen. Watch how the talentless little jerkoff steps in the bucket. He’s afraid of a Whiffleball. It’s terrible. Lousy weight shift. He’s got a big loop in his swing. That’s a routine pop up to the shortstop. What a useless little human he is. Somebody ought to just smother him with a pillow and get it over with.
Either that, or let Ron Stilanovich get his hands on him.
Poon Never caught a ball at a game, probably never will. I just love the people that get to the bleachers early to catch a ball and fight over them. There are four reasons to get to the game super early in the bleachers.
1. Secure a good spot for a large group of friends. If it’s two of ya, you can always just gank a spot close enough without getting there two hours before game time.
2. Check out the hot sluts. This also can tie into the first reason so you can hopefully get a seat next to the hot sluts.
3. Watch batting practice if it’s a nice day. Otherwise, just sit at the bar and drink some cheaper beer.
4. So your kid can get a ball during batting practice. Then again, why the hell are you bringing your kid to the bleachers? There are some real douchebags out there.
Weebs I’m actually going to tell a cool story relating to this. So, my brother was at the April 30th game against the Brewers this year, sitting a few rows back behind the Cubs’ on-deck circle. Before the game when the team was warming up, he went up to the front row and along with some other guy, he tried asking Soto for an autograph as he was walking back to the dugout. Soto said sorry and that he didn’t have time, so the one guy said, “Fine, then hit a HR for me,” and my brother followed with, “Yeah, hit one for me too.” That game, he hit 2 HRs and drove in 6 runs.
So, my brother was back at the next game in the same seats and before the game yelled to Soto, “See, told you you’d hit two” (even though he asked, but whatever). At the end of one of the innings when Zambrano struck out I think Weeks, Soto was walking back to the dugout with the ball, pointed to my brother and tossed him the ball, saying, “That’s for the HR.” Then, at the end of another inning, same ending, and Soto threw him another ball, saying, “That’s for the second one.”
That’s a story the former-letter site would organize a mass circle-jerk to hear.
Blue Eyed Monster Ah hell, I have a BP ball that Alf threw me the morning the Cubs clinched in ‘03 by sweeping Pissburgh in the Saturday doubleheader. I offered it to the only kid nearby (we were in the bleachers, so there was one kid and 2000 drunks), but he turned it down. Didn’t seem right to buy him a beer as a reward, but I considered it … my inner NSBB really did want to keep that ball.
Bad Kermit AlfONSECA?
Oh, I’d totally keep the ball if none of the kids around me wanted it. No shame in that.
Weebs I got to one game against the Mets a few years back really early and me and my friend were watching Carlos warm-up. He finished and was going to toss the ball over to us. I was standing right next to some kid, and the ball kind of went in his direction, but I could have easily grabbed it. I let him take it, and just after he grabbed the ball, he pulled out his Cardinals hat and put it on. I wanted to kick him in the head. Not only was he a Cardinals fan trying to get a Zambrano ball, but he was there during a Cubs-Mets game. I hope he’s now a frequent poster on NSBB.
FiveOuts He’s got a Hee Seop Choi size loop in that “swing.” Although that might be a good thing, seeing as how some there still think the Cubs got hosed in the Choi for Lee deal.
BigFlax I just don’t get that shit. Who goes to games that don’t involve teams they root for? During one of the many “pan the stands” moments at the Cubs/Padres game at Petco on June 2, the camera goes to this kid (no older than 12 or so) wearing his hat backwards… when he sees he’s on screen, he quickly turns the hat around and starts pointing excitedly - it’s a Dodgers hat! The Padres fans booed, I laughed, and the camera quickly moved off the kid. But here’s my question - WHAT WAS THAT KID DOING AT THAT GAME? Are the Dodgers hiring scouts that young now?
HelloWorld TDubbs, I have seen you post over at the only website you will ever need, so you are not really banned from all other blogs, albeit maybe all non-fringe ones.
Then again NSBB seems pretty fringe .. but in an uncomfortable “Billy Ray and Miley Vanity Fair photo with sexual undertones” way.
Bad Kermit Did you know LaSorda FORCED the Dodgers to sign Mike Piazza?! Forced them! At gunpoint!
Weebs I don’t know what was the worst sighting at the last Cubs game I went to this year: the guy wearing the Cubs hat and Yankees jersey, the guy wearing the Red Sox hat (flat-brimmed, with the sticker still on, backwards and to the right), or the guy wearing the authentic Matt Clement jersey.
Poon I just saw a damn commercial about this very topic. To really make it fit, it’s a kid in his teens catching a ball on Waveland and giving it to a kid. Think it was an Allstate commercial.
CactusMcHarris I caught my only ball off a foul from Aaron Boone of the Reds, whihc then hit my friend’s glove and popped into my glove.
It was a game that the Pads came from behind to win.
Unfortunately, I had to give it away in order to preserve domestic harmony, as I was with my girlfriend (who didn’t become my wife) when I caught it.
CT
bocaj
BigFlax
StPatrick
TDubbs
If I wasn’t completely banned from all other blogs in the world, I might go over there and say something. So I’ll say it here instead. These guys are all fucking douchetards. People can’t really be this slow, right? I can’t believe any of them actually have kids that they made by penis to vagina contact.