Good day, fine gentlemen, from the fantabulous confines of the baseballmagorium! First, I would like to thank Poon for the picture that sits before you. The citizen did a terrificous job of capturing his screen during yesterday’s baseball match. It is your Sweet Uncle Lou speaking to you once again on this glorious day! I have gathered a magnabulous compendium of links for you on this Fri of the day. Read them quickly, or read them at your leisure, but however you read them, read them while smoking a Kool menthol cigarette. Kool. Good to the last puff.
- Banning maple bats is not the answer, according to pen man Hal Bodley. “Why?” say you? Why, because the baseball lads do not want to stop using maple bats, of course. You shan’t argue with that sort of reasoning!
- Saying, “Huzzah!” for Jim Edmonds was difficult enough for the guys and dolls who root for the Chicago National League Ballclub. I pray of you that you not make us “Huzzah” for Scott Podsednik.
- The dames with the gams are ga-ga over me!
- Remember the olden days of the Desipio Daily Dose? Let me take you back to yesteryear and remind you why you missed those days so very much.
- Fear not, o supporters of the National League Baby Bears. I know that you lamented the loss of your own Superman (keep your eyes on the skies for SuperBOY, to be released next year), but the loss to the Birds of Red has even their most faithful supporters crying in their Ovaltine.
- This Spaniard hearkens back to the days of bareknuckled boxing. Two competitors entered the ring until one of them had to be carried out. Sometimes, punches were thrown and landed. How the crowd would rise as one in a frenzy of jubilation and bloodlust!
- Jay “Snidely” Mariotti is abhorred by most, and disliked by the rest. Hawk Harrelson even had the audacity to call Snidely a “hiney bird.” That is the most odious of odious statements!
- This story came hot off the press! It seems that the cooling machinery used in Addison is to be blacklisted in an effort to “improve” the town’s “aesthetics”? Sometime in the next fortnight, take a streetcar to Addison. It’s about as aesthetic as John McGraw getting out of a steam shower.
- Those of you who hoped to wipe Mike North from the microwaves and your talk boxes, may soon get your wish.
- Today is the long-awaited release of The Happening. “Long-awaited by whom?” you ask. Why, by Bad Kermit and RV! Those two have been giggling over the absurd premise of this talking picture film like a couple of schoolgirls playing cat’s eye under the bleachers during the winter sock hop. If you enjoy disasters, fill your automobile with petrol and head down to your picturemagorium!
- Finally, as you may have noticed in this newspaper column your Hire Jim Essian has become the object of affection of the attorneys-at-law for WGN Radio. Here is the telegram received by Bad Kermit:
I am legal counsel for WGN Radio. Your blog, at http://hirejimessian.com/index.php/author/admin/, uses WGN Radio’s logo, as well as the Cubs logo. It is by no means necessary to the commentary in your blog, and its use violates WGN’s rights under federal and state trademark law and other applicable statutes. We demand that you take the WGN logo down immediately, and recommend that you do the same for the Cubs logo. If the logos are not removed by Friday, June 13, we will refer this to Major League Baseball, which acts on behalf of the Cubs in trademark and internet matters, and will take any other action we consider appropriate.
WGN on its own behalf, and on behalf of the Cubs, reserves all of its legal rights and remedies. Thank you for your anticipated cooperation.
The telegram was received at 10:30 p.m., which may explain the over-complicated web address used by the champion of the trademark. Kermit’s response? “Slow day at the office, huh?” If this web location has been turned over to Major League Baseball, then good day to you, Future Commissioner Selig! Based on your prompt handling of the problems with performance-enhancing tonics and the exploding maple bats, I suspect it is the year 2011 when you are reading this. How fares the future? Must we wear deep-sea diving suits to protect us from the harmful rays of the sun? Have the polar ice caps melted, flooding the world and causing humanity to retreat to undersea domes, or do you travel to work each day in a rocket car driven by a super-intelligent monkey? Have they come up with a cure for your purple lips yet?
Good weekend to you, fine readers! Even if our ballteam finds itself in a tussle north of the border, keep a stiff upper lip and a stout chin. Our fighting squadron will come out on top!
-Sweet Uncle Lou
