The Muskbag had taken a long hiatus, but it’s back, and it’s as high-quality as ever! You know what that means. It sucks!
Why don’t the Cubs put Micah Hoffpauir in right field and move Kosuke Fukudome to center?
– Jack B., Los Angeles
Well, for one thing, Micah Hoffpauir is in Iowa. That’s probably good enough for now.
CARRIE: That’s a scenario that has been considered, but right field is the toughest to play at Wrigley Field and Fukudome may be the best the Cubs have had out there since Andre Dawson. Rather than weaken that position and put Fukudome in center, where he’s not as comfortable, they hope to find another solution for center. And Hoffpauir isn’t a possibility there. He’d be the first to tell you he doesn’t have the wheels to play center field.
Actually, you’d be the first, Carrie. Micah would be second.
Can we get Ryan Dempster to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” as Harry Caray?
– Steve D., Las Vegas
We could. We could also get Dempster to dig up Harry’s body, drive it to Wrigley Field, and have sex with it on the pitcher’s mound. But why would we?
CARRIE: Dempster, who does an excellent impersonation of the late Cubs broadcaster, said he would be willing to sing, but only after he’s finished his day job. “If I’m ever fortunate enough to be invited back, I’d do it,” he said.
One man’s fortune is another man’s never-ending nightmare scenario.
CARRIE: That prompted some discussion on who players would like to see sing during the seventh-inning stretch at Wrigley. Jason Marquis suggested Tim McGraw, Michael Buble or Alicia Keys. Jon Lieber wanted Miley Cyrus, so his daughter could meet the young singing sensation. Len Kasper would like to have comedian Bill Murray back to sing. And Fukudome’s interpreter, Ryuji Araki, suggested Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler.
Is Jason Marquis a 12-year-old girl?
Is Dempster trying to distract the batter by rotating his mitt a few times before he delivers a pitch? Did he do this when he was the closer?
– Linda N., Hinsdale, Ill.
No, his Harry Caray impression is to distract the batter. His glove rotation is to distract me from hating him.
CARRIE: It’s a timing device Dempster has used this season, beginning in Spring Training, and is designed more to hide his grip than fool batters.
Wait, hiding his grip is not meant to help him fool batters? Who is he trying to hide his grip from? The mob? Black helicopters? How many copies of The Catcher in the Rye does Dempster have in his locker? Does he keep them in front of his tin foil hat or behind them?
Could you please tell me what a “throwback” game is? Is it a game that does not count in the standings?
– Rick H., Bourbonnais, Ill.
What in the hell is wrong with you?
CARRIE: The game does count. The Cubs will play a throwback game on Thursday against the Atlanta Braves, the first such game at Wrigley Field. It’s called “throwback” because the players will wear uniforms from the past. The Cubs will wear replica 1948 uniforms while the Braves will take part wearing uniforms resembling those of the 1948 Boston Braves.
WGN-TV will present a special broadcast of the game to commemorate its 60th anniversary. If you’re going, and have any clothes in the attic from 1948, get in the swing. Broadcasters Kasper and Bob Brenly will be decked out in timely outfits.
If you have clothes in the attic from 1948, you’re WAY too old to be asking what a “throwback” game is.
What’s the deal with Josh Vitters? I can’t find any information on where he is playing right now, and if so, how he is doing.
– Jon T., Burlington, Wis.
Yep. It’s sure tough to find information on THE INTERNET.
CARRIE: Vitters, the Cubs’ No. 1 Draft pick last year, played four games for Class A Peoria, and then injured his left hand on a swing. He has been rehabbing in Mesa, Ariz., at the Cubs’ facility, and was expected to join Class A Boise soon. Speaking of Cubs on the mend, Angel Guzman is throwing — although not off a mound yet — in his comeback from Tommy John elbow reconstruction surgery last fall. He’s rehabbing in Arizona, too.
Angel Guzman? Really? The biggest Cub dicktease this millennium? Can we get a Ben Christensen update?
Me and my older brother were watching the game the other day when Fukudome worked a full count. Well, we started talking about how it seems like he’s always making the pitcher go to a 3-2 count. That got me thinking — is there a way to look up how many 3-2 counts he’s seen this year? And could he possibly be leading the league if such a category exists?
– Morgan G., Branson, Mo.
Of course there’s a way to look it up. That’s why Carrie took this question.
CARRIE: Fukudome doesn’t get cheated. He’s tied for fourth in the Major Leagues with 57 plate appearances in which he’s had a 3-2 count. He’s drawn 21 walks, and was batting .306. He also ranks fifth in the National League in pitches per plate appearance, and is 10th in pitches seen. Derrek Lee is eighth in the NL in pitches seen.
No credit for your answer man, Carrie? I suspect Hartig is in the parking lot, keying your car right now.
With all the talk about Fukudome and Geovany Soto leading the way in terms of the NL Rookie of the Year contest, I wondered when was the last time two Cubs players finished first and second in NL Rookie of the Year.
– Kevin M., Naperville, Ill.
Stealing your questions from Paul Sullivan’s Mailbag? Shame on you, Carrie.
CARRIE: In 1989, Cubs center fielder Jerome Walton won the National League Rookie of the Year award and teammate Dwight Smith finished second. Walton received 22 first-place votes and 116 points, and Smith got two first-place votes and 68 points.
Let’s hope Soto and Fukudome have as long and successful careers as Walton and Smith.
If Jim Edmonds ends up coming through for the Cubs, is it possible to see no moves made before the trade deadline? I don’t see any holes outside of ones caused by injury.
– Jonathan G., Alexandria, Ind.
Clearly, you haven’t looked at the starting rotation.
CARRIE: The Cubs would like a left-handed bat in the mix, and if Edmonds shows he can contribute, he could fill that void. They also could be looking at the starting pitching situation. No one expected Rich Hill and Sean Marshall to both be at Triple-A Iowa at this point in the season, and the Cubs don’t have much in reserve.
Well, if anyone is used to filling voids, it’s Jim Edmonds. Get it? “Filling voids”? Because Jim Edmonds acts like a poof. With the half-shirts, and the frosted tips.
When do you see Hill joining the rotation again? I think I saw where he was injured in the Minors. What was his injury?
– Tim C., Aberdeen, S.D.
You think you saw where he was injured in the minors? I know there aren’t a whole lot of people in South Dakota, but there are enough to justify at least one grade school, aren’t there?
CARRIE: Hill was sidelined because of back spasms in his upper back, but he has made two starts since coming off the disabled list. On Friday, he gave up one run on one hit and seven walks over five innings, throwing 98 pitches, 51 for strikes. That’s a lot of walks. Hill now is 2-2 with a 3.38 ERA at Iowa, and has walked 18 and struck out 25 over 21 1/3 innings in five starts. He needs some more time in the Minors.
Yes, that is a lot of walks. Approximately seven, give or take a couple. And why are we capitalizing Minors?
Why did none of those “men” consider Marisa Miller (I don’t care if she doesn’t sing) or Carrie Underwood or to sing?
Who fuckin cares? Carrie underwood? serious? More like Carrie “under-Simon-Cowell’s-desk”.
get with the game and leave the sideshow out of it.
Population: 754,844 c2000.
That almost doubles during the Sturgis bike ralley.
I can’t believe that for the second week in a row, Carrie ignored my question about whether the C on the cap is for Chicago or Cubs. I guess I have to stop sending it from Andy in Desipio, IL. Maybe she’s on to me.
She’s probably the fucker who got LASSIE banned as something you could put on a customized Cubs jersey at Cubs.com.
Andy, I have a good suggestion for you. Use De Soto, IL as your town. You can put in some strange reference to Soto in there and you might have your ticket in. De Soto, IL: Population 1653. 90% of them are probably fuckdick Cardinal fans without a job.
Funny stuff Bad Kermit, keep them coming…I posted this on the CBS Sportsline Cubs message board today…enjoy!
For those of you who don’t know who Carrie Muskat is, she’s a beat reporter/writer for the Cubs and posts a Q&A mailbag on Cubs.com. I usually like reading the questions that come in because every once in awhile, I’ll learn something new. However, reading a question such as the one i’ve posted below, I’ll think twice before reading the column again. C’mon, if you’re going to post a question, at least make it one that you think 50% of the Cubs fans will gain something from. Here’s the ‘intelligent’ question…
With the superb success of Ryan Dempster’s conversion from relief to starter, is there a chance the Cubs might try to do the same with Wood?
– Levi M., Salem, Ill.
No. Maybe you forgot, but Wood was a starter. He became a reliever last season because his right shoulder would give him trouble after 60 pitches. He seems to be doing just fine in his new role.
I’m hoping this was from a 2 year old boy that don’t remember Kerry Wood being a starter. Good lord. It also wouldn’t hurt for Carrie Muskat to get another pic on there, I’ve seen better driver’s license pictures.