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You Gone, White Sox

Congratulations, White Sox. This is officially the last coverage you’ll ever get on HJE. You get very little coverage to begin with because, quite frankly, most Cubs fans with half a brain couldn’t care less whether you win, lose, or take a lethal overdose of methamphetamines. Quite honestly, the only time I can be bothered to root against your pathetic, second-rate team is during the Red Line Series or when my backup AL team, the Minnesota Twins, completely depantses you.

But Wednesday night, enough was enough.

After the Cubs dropped to a completely unacceptable .900 winning percentage in the last ten games, I flipped from WGN to Comcast Sports Net to see if Lou Piniella’s post-game press conference was on. Instead, you were bumble-fucking along, trying to put away the mighty Kansas City Royals in the 15th inning.

Moments after I changed channels, and fewer than five minutes after the Cub loss, a segment of the 700 Sox fans in attendance began a chant. In a 4-4 tie in that 15th inning, your one good hitter, Carlos Quentin, came to the plate in front of your record store clerk favorite slow white guy, Paul “Pauly-K” (CLEVER!) Konerko. And what was the chant that arose in the hallowed stands of U.S. Cellular Field?

Was it, “Carlos! Carlos! Carlos!”


Was it, “Let’s go, White Sox! CLAP! CLAP! CLAPCLAPCLAP!”


It was “Cubs lost! Cubs lost! Cubs lost!”

That’s the most middle-child, second-rate, Northside-obsessed display you’ve put forth in a long history of putting forth such displays. In order to counter-balance such obsession and keep order in the universe, HJE is willing to chip in to help. So, we’re done. Never again will HJE acknowledge that there is more than one MLB baseball franchise in the fair city of Chicago. You’ll be absent from any power rankings. You will no longer be referenced by name, even during the Crosstown Classic.

But first, some parting shots:

  • Your manager is a narcissistic, delusional rageaholic with a shitty career .264/.287/.338 line and the behavioral tendencies that suggest he’s a wife-beating, child-neglecting, promiscuous sack of crap. With herpes. Even when you’re in first place, your stupid shithead manager can’t manage to keep his mouth shut. Nope. Not Ozzie. He rips his boss, he rips his coaches, he rips his players. I wish he’d rip his larynx.
  • Your TV broadcast team is the biggest joke in all of baseball. Thanks to the power of the internet, not only Cubs fans are subjected to the absolute torture of the worst home run call, the poutiest pair of juvenile, failed-GM, mediocre-player bitches, and the most embarrassing homerism (you Sox fans do realize that Hawk had his lips around the cocks of the Red Sox and Yankees before he started fellating your South Side club, right?) in all of baseball. It’s not that tough to call a home run five seconds after it bounces around in the bleachers, assholes.
  • Steve Stone is a pompous fucking douchebag. I don’t care what he’s done in the past. He sucks now, and it’s not just sour grapes. I thought he was pretty horrible for his last couple of years with the Cubs. You can have him. Enjoy listening to him play dress-up G.M., since no organization in its right mind will ever hire him to do the job for real.
  • Your ad campaigns are as entertaining as playing connect-the-dots with the red blotches on Hawk’s face. The “Win or Die Trying” campaign? I was pissed you chose “win.” The ads with your idiot players holding up Roadrunner signs that 60% of the fans can’t even read? Annoying. The radio ads where some stupid bitch gets all excited about talking to Jermaine Dye? Horrible.
  • The list of shithead players who have worn Sox uniforms is longer than my- Well, it’s long. Perhaps no team was worse than the one which had fatass Carlos Lee, perfectly-groomed Jose Valentin, crybaby Frank Thomas, and overrated Mark Buerhle. Jim Thome is the only player you’ve ever had that isn’t at least half douche.
  • You cheated your way through the 2005 playoffs. And you know you did. And you’re proud of it.
  • Your stadium sucks. “Yippee! We have food!” So does prison.
  • You don’t have anywhere near the number of fans that the Cubs do. Get over it. There’s a reason you can’t fill your park, and it’s because there just aren’t enough of you. I love how every Sox fan’s excuse is, “We’re just too smart to support a losing team.” Nope. You’re just too unemployed to afford it.
  • I would pay upwards of $100 to watch A.J. Pierzynski be forced at gunpoint to eat a warm bowl of his own vomit. $1000 if it was my vomit.
  • So, kiss off, White Sox. Go ahead and win or lose. HJE couldn’t care less. You’re nothing but an afterthought and a joke to us, you always have been, and you always will be.