Screw Your Child’s Safety, Bro!
A Special Report by Maple Bat
WHOOOO-HOOOOO! Maple Bat here! Shouting at you from Louisville, Kay-Why. KY. Like the lube I use when I stay at your house and jerk off in your guest bedroom! Ha ha! Whoo! You mind if I put my feet up? Maybe undo my pants a little bit? By the way, I think I stepped in some shit on your front lawn.
Anyhow, I’m just here to defend myself. I don’t know why old Maple Bat is getting such a bad rap in the media lately. Calling me “dangerous.” Blaming me for all of these accidents? Saying I’m a menace, and that I should be stopped?
Bullshit!
I’m not dangerous? Those DUI charges? They dropped those, bro. Totally dropped those. Maple Bat beats the wrap again, yo! All I had to do was follow the judge to this strip club and snap a couple pictures of a stripper taking a dump on his chest, and I was out like that queer I beat up back in high school!
Speaking of DUIs, what do you have to drink in this dump? Light beer? Light beer is for pussies, man! Send your kid out to pick up some real beer. I got a long drive home.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Just because there have been a couple of instances where I exploded all up in somebody’s face, doesn’t mean everyone has to throw a fit, dude. Like they say on Point Break, innocent until proven guilty. That was Point Break, wasn’t it? Shit, I don’t know. I was so fucking high on PCP when I saw that. No, I don’t have any more on me. I sold it to some junior high kids on the way here. Chill out, dude! I diluted it with some rat poison.
Hey, who’s that chick in that picture? Is that your daughter? She’s fucking HOT, bro! Holy shit, I’d totally split her in two! Condoms? No, man. I only bareback, dude. Some bitches may have herpes because of it, but that ain’t Maple Bat’s problem! Those are speed bumps, yo!
So, anyhow, just wanted to drop by and clear my name. I don’t see any reason to kick me out of the league, even if I’m technically totally worthless. I’m clutch, baby! Clutch!
What do you mean who invited me? My good friend Barry Bonds, bro! He showed me around way back in 1998! Now everyone wants a piece of Maple Bat, dude. Sluggers, bunters, EVERYONE, bro!
Peace!
*Thanks to Ned Ryerson for the link.
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BigFlax
PenFoe
StPatrick
CT
CactusMcHarris
Maple bat pops his collars and slugs chicks at Banger’s.
I know there are issues that the bats could be a deathtrap. There are some flying objects out there. Baseball is going to have to discuss it.
Hilarious.
More Maple Bat commentary!
Agreed. I heard a guy on the radio from some bat company in Valparaiso that said the maple bats do absolutely nothing to help the flight of the ball. His theory was that it’s a psychological thing. Guys saw Bonds hit a bunch of home runs with the maple bats, and now everyone wants one.
Since it’s an problem and should be immediately addressed, expect Bud to bury his head in the sand until he retires.
I love me some some Maple Bat. Leave the guy alone, he’s just got a job to do.
I think maple bat just upper decked my toilet. I hate that guy.
I heard that too. He said the maple bats have to be dried so much to meet MLB specs that, well, you know what happens. Good ol’ Bud. Also, this piece provoked a good eight-minute case of the giggles this morning. I feigned a sneeze stifle once or twice, but I think I was outed like that queer you beat up in high school. Wonderful, wonderful job!
As crappy as Bud Selig is, since bats are covered under the players’ CBA, expect the douchetastic Don Fehr to prevent MLB from taking any steps to improve safety on this issue (since that article already quoted two dumbass players whining about wanting to keep their crappy maple bats). Unfortunately, it’s probably going to take some poor schmo two rows behind the dugout getting killed by a flying chunk o’ bat before anyone does anything (a la the NHL and the nets behind the goals).
That’s pretty much exactly what the guy from the Valpo bat company said, that it’s going to take someone getting killed for them to step in.
Also, since the bat guy was pretty awesome and knowledgeable on the radio (despite his association with Murph), I’m going to plug what I’m pretty sure is his site. Father’s Day is right around the corner, and you could get dad a souvenir bat.
The good, intelligent people of Louisville, KY (there being only one; myself) would like to say, for the record, that we do not condone maple bat’s behavior or actions, and also, if maple bat could start paying my sister’s child support, that would be great.
Thank you.
I bet Maple Bat drives a Jeep and listens to Jack Johnson
Hey I got killed by a flying piece of maple. Right through the heart– so this is no joke.
BK, I know you check the comments religiously, so here’s some support for the Maple bat breakage v. handle thickness: http://www.usatoday.com/sports/baseball/2008-06-02-maple-bats_N.htm . Because Maple is more dense, more of the weight is concentrated in the head of the bat based on the 2.75″ barrel / 16/19″ handle rule. Possible solutions include changing the “drop” rule (length in in. – weight in oz.) from -3 to -2 or even -1, or mandating thicker handles on the bats. Since hand speed is altered by the thickness of the handle, the drop rule seems to be easier to change. Players would be forced to shorten their bats if playing with maple, resulting in a tradeoff between strike zone coverage and mass in the sweet spot. Shorter bats are harder to break above the handle. Ultimately, knowing what I know about aged and dried hardwoods (they make guitars out of ash, mahogany, etc.), the amount of drying is less an issue than the physics involved re: superlight handle vs. very heavy barrel. It seems to be an issue of too much torque for the maple to overcome under current standards.
Interesting stuff, St. Pat. The real issue, still, is the fact that the maple bats need to be “cooked” longer to get them under weight. So, they’re so dry, they basically shatter when they break, instead of breaking cleanly into a couple pieces.
There was a story I saw the other day on yahoo about a woman whose jaw was broken by a maple bat this season.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-bats052908&prov=yhoo&type=lgns
MLB really needs to step up their investigation before someone really does get killed. I personally think they should just ban the bats until an investigation can be completed. I know that won’t sit well with a lot of the players, but safety’s gotta come first. There isn’t a day goes by that you don’t see a maple bat shatter in a Cub game. Multiply that by all the games that get played everyday and that’s a whole lotta wood flying around. It’s just a matter of time before some pitcher or third baseman gets the sharp end of a chunk of bat in their eye or something. I’ve watched baseball practically my whole life and a guy breaking a bat used to be a pretty rare occurrence. It’s only since players switched to these weak ass maple bats that we’re seeing these issues. Suck it up guys and go back to the ash.