There’s only one thing frustrating about having the Cubs emerge as one of the dominant forces in baseball. More success means more interest. More interest means more coverage. More coverage means more Steve Rosenbloom. At one point in our lives, we all had as much baseball knowledge as Steve Rosenbloom. At that point, I had Transformers sheets. You were probably watching The Smurfs and driving a Big Wheel. Fortunately, I was able to translate Rosenbloom’s latest crap from Douche to English.
I know it sounds impressive to say that the Cubs swept an entire homestand, including four against the defending National League champions, but the Colorado Rockies are the worst team in baseball right now and the Dodgers are under .500 as well. The way I understand it, the NL West is voting to see if it should forfeit the rest of the season.
Fuck you, Cubs! You should have demanded that you play the Rays, the Red Sox, the Diamondbacks, the Angels, and the Phillies during that time period. In fact, since you’re the best team in baseball, you should have demanded that the MLB force you to play yourselves for seven games.
No, no. That’s too easy. You should have demanded that you play all seven games over a hot vent on the surface of the ocean floor. While wearing suits of armor. And being managed by Dusty Baker. Dusty Baker with nurse shark DNA.
In fact, you should just forfeit the rest of the season. Because you’re the only team in the MLB that has played the Rockies and the Dodgers so far. You fucking slackers.
And if last week’s sweep of the jayvees wasn’t enough, now a Cubs team that isn’t real good on the road gets a Club Med trip to San Diego and Los Angeles.
So, while you assholes are getting your massages and working on your tans, I’ll be here working hard! I’ll be getting my eyebrows waxed, getting a pedicure, and drinking a Starbuck’s. You jerks will probably just be yelling at cabana boys and wearing flip-flops. You think it’s easy getting my classes this invisible? It takes hard work, damnit! So, while you jerks are tossing around a pigskin, surrounded by beautiful women in skimpy bikinis, you just think about poor Uncle Rosie sitting back at home, paying over $4 per gallon to drive around his Jetta. Oh, and writing his column. Writing his column.
The Cubs are on a record pace at Wrigley, but no one knows why.
It’s treachery! Don’t quote me your “statistics” like the Cubs having the best run differential in baseball. Forget about scoring 324 runs and only allowing 232 runs. Forget about doing something as simple as outscoring the other 9 guys on the field on 36 separate occasions this year. It’s wizardy! The Cubs are using the darkest of dark magic to vanquish their foes! Lou Piniella is a demon wizard, and he must be cast out before his evil destroys this land!
Cast! Thee! Out!!!
Betcha it’s because visitors can’t use amphetamines to get up for day games—and even night games—after enjoying Chicago’s night life.
Lou Piniella has a bubbling cauldron of wizard’s brew! He feeds it to his army of daywalkers! This new breed of baseball warrior must be stopped before they take over Middle Earth!
Everybody is loving this stat: The last time the Cubs had the best record in baseball on June 1 the way they do now was, yes, 1908. OK. Fine. If past is prologue, then the better the Cubs perform, the higher the hopes, the greater the fall.
I’m a joyless dickbag whose only release from the misery of his own existence is to make predictions of doom. When they come true, it doesn’t bother me, because I get to rub it in your face that I’m right. It’s good to be Rosenbloom.
Clip & save: The critical “Cubby occurrence” will come with Kerry Wood on the mound.
Because I know all of you peasants care about what I, the mighty Steve Rosenbloom, think will happen to these Chicago Cubs. Unsheath your dagger and cut from this parchment the royal decree which has poured from my quill. I have declared this season over! All hail King Rosenbloom!
When you’ve played the Pirates and a whole bunch of the NL West, then you ought to have the best record in baseball, but look out, the Cardinals are only 2˝ games behind.
The Pirates are terrible! Never mind the fact that they would be a 23-21 team if they had never played the Cubs this year! The NL West? I, Steve Rosenbloom, don’t even know who is in that division! Who is this “Brandon Webb” of whom you speak? Some sort of arachnid, I wager! And you say one of the teams in this National Alliance of the West represented the entire National Alliance in the battle for Middle Earth only 15 fortnights ago? Fie! Fie!
There is a blood sun rising in the south. A Cardinal-shaped sun that burns with the fire of hatred. Beware, for this sun may consume your fair Cubs.
I still can’t figure out how, and that’s what worries me.
It is impossible that I, Steve Rosenbloom, would ever fail to understand anything. I brought my people the gift of fire. It was I who brought them law, domesticated animals, and interchangeable parts. I taught them how to make unshelled peanuts into shelled peanuts. This new concept both terrifies and amazes me, and I shan’t accept it.
There are reasons to feel great about the Cubs—the starting pitching, the bullpen, the way the offense can come back—but we expected a first-place team. We did not expect the Cardinals to be this close. At least, I didn’t. I mean, they’ve on the verge of starting their seventh rookie pitcher this season.
What is’ve that? You cannot’ve understand what I’m saying? Well, that is’ve because I, Steve Rosenbloom, ha’ve invented’ve my own language! Your peasant ears cannot comprehend’ve Rosenbove, my brand-new tongue!
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Tremble in fear at my new tongue! Your knees will quake and your teeth chatter at the marauding onslaught of the rest of the baseball tribes!
Good sign: Jim Edmonds hitting balls to the gaps, to the fences, to the places he used to torture the Cubs with.
Those who oppose me will be tortured mercilessly, forced to read the columns of me, Steve Rosenbloom, for all of eternity! Those who stand beside me will be tortured as well, but with slightly more mercy!
Colorado’s Omar Quintanilla hit his first major-league homer Saturday against the Cubs, and I’m thinking, Wrigley is the best place to hit your first homer as a visitor because you know you’ll get the ball back.
I, Steve Rosenbloom, cannot be bothered to think about your common game of baseball. I think only of those less fortunate souls who are too busy with their triflings to read the words of Steve Rosenbloom! I am a champion of the common man! All those who homer shall have their balls returned to them!
