I don’t know whether to be thrilled or depressed that I’ll never run out of completely ridiculous comments by Cubs fans as fodder for mockery. Mark DeRosa’s, “The Pulse” is just the gift that keeps on giving, though. In this week’s entry, DeRosa (or ROSIE, as that fat fuck Chris Berman calls him) “interviews” (read: plays grabass) with Ryan Theriot. I appreciate the fact that DeRosa has apparently realized his blog is ridiculous and is just trying to have fun with it, now. So I’ll refrain from mocking the actual interview, which you can read here. Well, except for this one part. “First off, I want to reiterate that the reason to call this “The Pulse” is because my teammates gave me that nickname when my heart almost stopped on the field at Fitch Park. Ryan Theriot decided to give me mouth to mouth and that’s why I came to — I decided I wasn’t near death.” Generally, Mark, when you REiterate something, you imply that it’s been iterated before. Which it wasn’t.

The comments, on the blog? Fair game.

I adore this post. Very nicely done! There were lots of laughs all around.

Rex Reed gives this post four stars! And a full-body Greek oil massage with a happy ending!

I highly recommend more “interviews” like this – ROFL!

TTFN! BFF! TTY L8R!!!

This is absolutely wonderful!! You and Theriot are my favorites and this interview shows how well the 2 of you get along. I hope you do more “interviews” like this. And while I do think Bob Howry is very nice looking, I do like to look are you more. Great game tonight with the 3 RBIs. Keep up the great work and please keep up this blog. It really is terrific.

Rebel

If you’re a girl named “Rebel,” I’m sorry for you. If you’re a guy named “Rebel,” well…

you guys are effin hilarious! you two should already have your own show!!

Yeah. They can call it “One and a Half Men.”

Great interview. How about this for your next one. Pick the guy you talk to least on the team and interview them.

Why would anyone want to hear what Jim Edmonds has to say?

Also, more info about what you guys do off the field is fun. Since it’s mainly the most die-hard fans who follow blogs then “insider” stuff would be perfect.

I wish Cubs fans who call themselves “die-hard” would do just that.

Haha-You guys are great!! I smiled the whole time while reading this!

Terrifying.

See you tomorrow!
Haha, on TV of course.

“Haha, I will also be waiting for you in the players’ lot! LOL, I will be wearing a spiked leather mask and will be carrying a butterfly knife!!! Hee hee, please don’t run, because you’ll only die tired!”

You two may be thunder and lightening but I see a lot of heart and soul in these games. GO CUBS GO!

All I see is cheese and sap.

You and Ryan have the best chemistry on the field.

Sometimes, when you look across at one another to make sure you know who’s covering second on a force play, I see that knowing flash of your eyes. That flirtatious grin. That sly wink. That come-hither stare. HOW CAN YOU CONTROL YOUR CARNAL LUST?!

What about Reed Johnson? Probably since I only follow the Cubs he seems to have come out of nowhere. I was a bit disappointed that he blatantly ignores the fans in the bleachers (although some of them encourage that approach). At least Soriano smiles and waves.

I think everyone would be better off if they ignored the fans in the bleachers.

seriously…i just laughed out loud through this entire blog!

You should have used the word “literally” in this sentence, just so we’d know exactly how serious you are.

can we be friends? haha

No! Haha!

I could totally see you guys behind the booth calling games, and would love it.

I would love it, too, if someday Theriot and DeRosa chose to hang around behind the broadcast booth and shout stuff loudly enough that Len and Bob’s mics picked it up.

You know we attach you guys to the Cubs team, and if you all ever left, you’d still be a Cub to us, but how does that affect you guys. I mean Mark, you were a Brave for 6 years (including during their sweep of the Cubbies in the 98 postseason) and a Ranger after that. But, damn, we want you to be a Cub forever, even after retirement.

Move over, Ernie. We have a new “Mr. Cub,” and he’s…Mark DeRosa?

Were the fans in Atlanta and Texas as big as in Chi-town.

“Chi-town”? Fail.

That’s the second time I’ve heard you refer to Howry as Adonis… the first being at the Convention when you told me you’d trade bodies with him and that you have a man-crush! According to Ryan, he’s got some competition! What does Bob think about all of this??? Maybe you and Ryan can team up and interview him next?!

Great. I read this, and now I’m pretty sure I like men.

I’m curious to know how hard it must be to communicate with Kusuke?

Who?

I know you guys were handed a sheet of Japanese baseball terms to learn at the beginning of the year, seems to be working because you guys are on FIRE!!!

So THAT’S what this franchise has been lacking for 100 years! The ability to say “ducks on the pond” in Japanese.

Last year I brought a sign to the game that read Mark Derosa to do list. It said pitch, catch, center field, broadcast game on WGN. My phone blew up when they showed the sign and len and bob talked about it for a couple of minutes. Went down to marlins series at end of season. That sucked. Tailgating was fun though. I started the season by saying our success this year would be determined by the younger players. Soto, theriot, fontenot,marmol,hill etc.

Did you just cut-and-paste one of your diary entries?

ha well done. I loved this blog and Ryan Theriot. Now we just need a little Mike Fontenot action.

And then we’ll have all the mediocre middle infielders covered!

I agree with Natasha, we need some Mike Fontenot. My cell number is 815-871-5811 just in case you want to give it to Mike :)

This was the best idea you’ve ever had.

I thought Dempster was the only goofy guy on the team.

He’s more into prop comedy and impressions.

You can see how much the team cares for each other just by watching you on the field.

Like that one time you dragged Aramis out of that foxhole. He was shot up pretty bad, and the Germans were shelling the hell out of you guys. But you carried him five miles uphill through the snow, all the way back to the LZ. He would have died in that field if it wasn’t for you.

I know niether of you played with him but playing against Sammy Sosa, how was he? Like not as a player but as a person.

You mean in bed? Because that would make your question slightly less stupid.

I think ole’ Theriot and Fonty need to make a black n white poster of them in the swamps in louisianna holding bats and call it “Bayou Bros.” They could be in uniform and everything…it would sell like hotcakes

To paraphrase Mitch Hedburg (R.I.P.). Yeah, everyone would be all excited about them at first, and by the All-Star break, they’d be fucking sick of them.

Also Micah Hoffpauer totally reminds me of a young edmonds…maybe Jim should start working with him in the outfield

Or in the hot tub. Or in the showers.

My girlfriend thinks your the hottest thing since sliced bread…..so now we are competing for her love

You lose.

Mark, I hope you guys can go all the way this year. In 1969, I took a pounding for years, from the guys and family for cheering for the Cubs. Their are a lot of Mets fans in the family and New Jersey. Go Cubs. Ask Patrick about how I use to get pounded, he had to remind me at the family reunion last year. Also I made a video calling you the Goat Buster when you signed with the Cubs, not sure if you ever saw it, I mailed it to my brother George last year to send to your dad. Gary

By garyderosa@yahoo.com

Couldn’t you have just e-mailed this to him? Or are you estranged, just realized he’s famous, and are now looking for a bite at that apple?

Mark, My friend recently went to Pittsburgh to support you guys. Turns out he coincidentally was staying in the same hotel as you. Said he bumped into you on accident and didnt realize it was you. I told him he should have picked a mini-scuffle of words with you. just to give you something to remember. and then say just kidding afterwards. its not too often we have encounters with pro sports players or celebs, I think if I were to have a run-in I might try and make you remember me. he also so Bobby Howry gettin some McDonalds across the street. I might have trouble pickin a fake fight with that man walkin around. Stay cool Mark and go beat up on them dodgers. – AJ from the crazy windy city.

Interesting bit of trivia for you. They used to call it the Completely Normal, Well-Adjusted, and Unlikely to Break a Beer Bottle Over Its Own Head for Laughs Windy City before AJ moved here.

You should interview other guys, maybe Geo! Oh and you can check me out at www.myspace.com/mexicanprincess52

Done. She has links to BCB, the “Keep it Wrigley” campaign, and the “It’s Gonna Happen” chode. Also, MySpace is still the worst website around. Can ANYONE manage to maintain a page that doesn’t need a horizontal scrollbar?

Well, that’s all for now. Damn you, stereotypical Cubs fans. Damn you straight to hell.