As you all know, hardly anything ever pisses me off. Certainly the fat, old, lovable, self-proclaimed “ambassador of baseball” couldn’t do so on a night that found the Cubs cleanly beating the Dodgers by a 3-1 score. Well, he did. Everyone’s so in love with the doddering old fool, that no one is willing to say it. Lasorda is an arrogant shithead.

The only thing bad about the Cubs’ lengthy three-run seventh inning last night was Lasorda’s agonizingly long and obnoxious interview with Len Kasper and Bob Brenly. In another strong case for the elimination of the pointless and terrible Celebrity Seventh Inning Stretch, Lasorda created more awkward moments than your average Wes Anderson script.

Lasorda got off to a bad start. He barely made it to the booth on time, with Len suggesting to Bob that he might have to sing the stretch if Lasorda didn’t show up. Way to be respectful of the traditions (no matter how lame) of Wrigley Field, you old codger. After telling everyone in Wrigley Field to “Root! Root! Root for the Dodgers!” during the seventh inning stretch (I hope Harry’s ghost puts his ghostly pubes on Lasorda’s toothbrush tonight), Lasorda sat down with poor Len and Bob for one of the worst interviews since Kellie Pickler Apple Jacked her way into the hearts and groins of male Cubs fans everywhere.

Not even a minute into the interview, Len jokingly offered Lasorda his stocking hat, a gaudy red-and-blue Cubs number. Lasorda, without cracking a smile or trying to humor Len at all, said, “No, I can’t wear that.” I respect the longtime Dodger’s reluctance to don a Cubs hat, and that’s fine. I do have an issue with being a doucheloaf about it. Would it have killed the guy (please) to just laugh it off instead of creating an uncomfortable moment that set the tone for the rest of the interview?

Later in the inning, Ryan Theriot came up with Ronnie Cedeno on first and the Cubs trailing. Theriot tried to lay down a bunt, put too much on it, and Cedeno was thrown out at second. Now, Theriot is a fine bunter. Sometimes, he’s so good at bunting, he can take a full swing and the ball dribbles right in front of the plate for a perfect bunt. Because Lasorda saw exactly one of Theriot’s at-bats, he immediately assumed that Theriot can’t get down a bunt, and said “If you can’t but, that’s a disgrace,” causing Bob to quickly have to come up with the lame question, “Are there any plans for Dodgertown?” He wanted to add, “Wouldn’t you like to go there right now?”

Lasorda’s brilliant “insight” into the game consisted of basically one thing. Whether or not the guy on first was going to run with a full count. “I’d run him. I’d run him,” said Lasorda, with Alfonso Soriano at the plate and Theriot on first. Sorry. I don’t listen to the advice of a grown man in diapers. Lasorda later came up with this gem: “That’s the way this game is. This guy is praying for one thing, and this guy over here is praying for something else.” Outstanding insight. And how does anyone get to the Major Leagues, Tommy? Simple. “By working.” Ohhhhhhhh…

Soon, the interview turned into an apparent reading of Lasorda’s Hall of Fame plaque. After a Cub run scored to tie the game, Lasorda said, “You know something? I scored a run one time in a situation like that when I coached third base. When that guy threw that ball into 2nd base, I kept this guy coming. As soon as I saw him in the direction he was gonna throw the ball, I had him coming. And Gene Mauch, said the next day in the paper, he said, ‘That was outstanding coaching for that guy to do that.’” Who in the hell brags about coaching third base? Christ, even Al Bundy had better stories than waving a guy around third base.

As the inning dragged on into eternity, the Tommy Lasorda show continued. Lasorda was sure to point out that only two managers in the National League were able to win pennants in their first two seasons in the game. Guess who was one of those guys? In Lasorda’s words, “That’s amazing.”

Moments later, with Alfonso Soriano on first base, Lasorda actually asked who the guy was on first base? Him? Oh, that’s Alfonso Soriano. Maybe you’re heard of him. He signed a pretty big contract before the 2007 season. He was traded for arguably the best player in baseball. He hit like Jesus for two weeks earlier this month. Then, Lasorda asked Brenly if Soriano can run. Hilariously, Brenly said, “Sometimes.”

But Lasorda isn’t just a brilliant manager, third base coach, and broadcaster. He’s also a fantastic scout, apparently! You might have heard of a guy named Mike Piazza. Did you know that Lasorda insisted–yes, insisted that the Dodgers take Piazza. Not to mention all those other players Lasorda discovered, like–oh, who was that guy?

Lasorda is also a fantastic mentor of managers. Did you know at one point there were seven–yes, SEVEN managers in baseball at one time who had once played under Lasorda? He made sure to mention that Dusty Baker was one of them. I’d keep that one under your hat, Tommy.

Not content in tooting his own horn, Lasorda forced Len to help him out. Lasorda at one point mentioned that there are sixteen Hall of Fame managers, and only one was a pitcher, forcing Len to say, “And he’s sitting right next to us. Tommy Lasorda.” Self-aggrandizing shithead.

Lasorda’s “F” in preparation continued. Later in the inning, Lasorda talked about “the reliever last night” that “has a good arm.” That would be Bob Howry. He just played last night against your team. He’s been in the league for eleven years. You do watch baseball games sometimes, right?

Lasorda also couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that players ACTUALLY GET DAYS OFF. It’s not possible, apparently, that managers insist that their players take a day off. In Tommy’s mind, any time a guy gets a day off, he must have ASKED for a day off. Would this be a good time to mention that, in his playing career, Lasorda was a shitty pitcher? If I were Aramis Ramirez or Derrek Lee, I’d have a hard time swallowing the fact that a guy who threw a whopping 58.3 innings in three Major League seasons had the nerve to suggest that I wasn’t tough enough to play baseball.

Moments later, that lazy fucker Aramis Ramirez fouled off a bunch of pitches from reliever Jonathan Broxton before finally lining a 3-2 pitch into center field to give the Cubs the lead. Lasorda pulled a Santo, and loudly proclaimed, “Geez!” He immediately apologized for it, like it was such a spur-of-the-moment comment. I counted. It was seven seconds between the time Aramis lined the ball into the center and the time that Lasorda moaned about it. Too bad he couldn’t contain that spontaneous exclamation.

Lasorda then took his shot at trying to be quote-worthy. “There’s only one thing certain in baseball, and that is nothing is certain.” Brilliant. I’m sure it’s lines like that which got Tommy the Slim-Fast commercial.

With two outs and the Cubs trying to put the game away, Kosuke Fukudome came to the plate. The Dodgers are pretty well-known for their acceptance of Asian players, right? Not Tommy Pasta! After Lasorda giggled about Fukudome’s stance, he said, “That’s the way they all hit.” Yes. All Asian people hit exactly the same way. Which might be how they are able to line doubles past your third baseman to give the Cubs a 3-1 lead. You old pud.

Finally, Jim Edmonds did the best thing he’s done as a Cub. He grounded into a 4-3 putout to end the bottom of the seventh and send Lasorda away. Hopefully forever.

Can we please FOR THE LOVE OF GOD stop with the goddamn Celebrity Seventh Inning Stretch? It’s agonizing, and it’s no longer an honor to Harry. It’s a joke, and twits like Lasorda are the reason it’s become so.