Piniella Lou and the Curse of the 100-Year Franchise: Part One
EXT.–JUNGLE–DAY
PINIELLA LOU, a grizzled baseball manager, trudges through an overgrown jungle. The rugged adventurer is in search of a 100-year-old relic, a World Series trophy. With him is his companion, a native named ROTHSCHILDO. The two approach a dark cave, the opening to a deep temple.
LOU
So, this is where Baker cashed in.
ROTHSCHILDO
A friend of yours?
LOU
An idiot. He was dumb. He was very, very dumb.
ROTHSCHILDO
Senor, no one has come out of there alive. Please.
Lou looks at Rothschildo with disgust and heads into the temple cave. Rothschildo follows him hesitantly.
INT. TEMPLE–NARROW PASSAGE–DAY
As Lou and Rothschildo step into the temple’s cave, the bright light from the jungle outside almost instantly disappears. The two stop to light torches. As they move deeper into the cave, the flickering light falls on massive spider webs, deep crevasses, and wet, dark, rocky outcroppings. The men advance further and further into the passage until Lou suddenly stops just short of a bright beam of light, streaming through an opening high on the wall of the passage. He grabs Rothschildo just before he enters the light.
LOU
Stop. Stay out of the light.
Lou thrusts his hand into the light. From out of the wall under the beam of light, a spike trap springs rapidly toward Lou’s hand. Lou withdraws his hand just in time. Impaled on the spike trap is BAKER’S CORPSE. As the spike trap comes to a halt, Baker’s Corpse seems to turn its head toward Lou and leer.
LOU
Baker.
THE PIT
Lou and Rothschildo move deeper into the temple until they come to a large pit. Rothschildo is hesitant, but Lou pulls a whip from his belt and, with a flick of his wrist, wraps it around a tree branch overhanging the pit. Lou swings across the pit gracefully and then turns and swings the handle of the whip back to Rothschildo. Rothschildo catches the whip handle and attempts to swing across himself, but nearly falls backward into the pit. Lou grabs him by the belt and hauls him across. Lou hangs the whip handle on a nearby outcropping.
THE CHAMBER
Lou and Rothschildo enter a large chamber. At the far end, a beam of light streaming through a hole in the roof of the chamber illuminates a gleaming WORLD SERIES TROPHY.
ROTHSCHILDO
Let us hurry. There is nothing to fear here.
Rothschildo rushes forward toward the trophy, but Lou grabs him and shoves him backwards against a wall.
LOU
That’s what scares me.
Lou looks at the ground, a patchwork of paving stones and tiles. He presses his torch down hard on an unusual-looking paver. The paver immediately sinks into the ground, and a poison dart shoots from the wall and buries itself in the torch. Lou hands the torch to Rothschildo.
LOU
Stay here.
Lou moves carefully across the chamber, taking care not to step on any unusual-looking pavers. Eventually, he makes his way to the platform holding the World Series trophy. Lou stands in front of the platform, rubbing his stubbled chin and eyeing the trophy. Lou pulls a bottle of Jack Daniels from his jacket, and hefts the weight in his hand. 
Looking at the trophy again, he takes a large swig of the whiskey. Lou pushes his hat back on his head and holds the bottle close to the trophy. After a moment’s hesitation, Lou makes a quick switch, grabbing the trophy and placing the bottle on the platform in its place. Nothing happens. Lou smiles and turns his back. Just as he does, the platform now holding the bottle begins to sink. Lou looks back over his shoulder, sees the bottle dropping, and begins sprinting out of the chamber. As he runs, poison darts fire at him from both walls and the chamber begins to crumble. As he passes Rothschildo, the man joins him and both sprint back toward the entrance of the cave.
THE PIT
Lou and Rothschildo arrive at the pit. Lou grabs the whip handle, still hanging from the outcropping, and hands it to Rothschildo. Rothschildo swings across, but as he does, the branch around which the whip is attached shifts, and the whip comes loose into Rothschildo’s hands. He looks at the whip in his hands and then across at Lou, and the trophy. Behind Rothschildo, a large stone door rumbles slowly down, threatening to block the men’s path.
LOU
Gimme the whip!
ROTHSCHILDO
You throw me the trophy! I throw you the whip!
Lou hesitates. Rothschildo looks back at the closing door, then back at Lou.
ROTHSCHILDO
No time to argue! You throw me the trophy! I throw you the whip!
Lou looks down at the trophy, then reluctantly tosses it to Rothschildo. Lou holds out his hands.
LOU
Gimme the whip!
Rothschildo smiles at Lou and drops the whip at his feet.
ROTHSCHILDO
Adios, Senor.
Rothschildo runs under the closing door. Lou looks down at the pit, takes a couple steps back, and then rushes forward and leaps across the gap. He catches on to the ledge on the opposite side and pulls himself up with a vine growing from between the rocks. Lou is just able to roll under the closing door, but loses his whip in the process. He grabs it, and pulls his arm through just as the huge door rumbles closed.
NARROW PASSAGE
Lou dusts himself off and turns to sprint toward the entrance of the cave. As he turns to run, he almost runs right into Rothschildo’s body, which has been impaled on a spike trap. Lou grabs the trophy from Rothschildo’s dead hands.
LOU
Adios, Rothschildo.
Lou again begins running toward the cave entrance, when he notices a distant rumbling that begins to grow louder. Lou stops and looks over his shoulder to see PRINCE FIELDER rolling toward him.
Lou’s eyes grow wide, and he sprints toward the cave entrance with a renewed sense of urgency. Lou makes it to the mouth of the cave just in time and dives out of the cave.
EXT.–JUNGLE–DAY
Lou tumbles out of the cave, still clutching the trophy. He lands right at the foot of NEDDOQ, a rival manager. Neddoq is surrounded by BREWERS. All of them are holding baseball bats and baseballs, all pointed directly at Lou’s head.
NEDDOQ
Lou. It looks like you chose the wrong coaching staff. This time, it will cost you.
Lou reaches into his jacket for his pistol and draws it. The Brewers advance aggressively toward him until Lou turns the pistol around and hands it to Neddoq. Neddoq takes the pistol, and then nods to the trophy. Lou reluctantly hands it over.
LOU
Too bad the Brewers don’t know you the way I do, Neddoq.
NEDDOQ
Yes. You could warn them. If only you spoke Wisconsin. Seriously, what the hell is a “bubbler”?
Yost turns to the Brewers and holds the trophy over his head. The Brewers bow down in front of the trophy. Seeing his opportunity, Lou dashes away. Yost notices and drags his thumb across his throat.
YOST
Go after him, there, eh?!
The Brewers sprint after Lou. Lou dashes through the jungle as Yost’s laughter carries after them. Lou heads for a pontoon propeller plane sitting on the water. JACQUE JONES sits on one of the the pontoons and fishes. He gets a bite, and jumps up, struggling with the fish at the end of his line.
LOU
(screaming)
Jacque! Start the engine, Jacque! Start the engine!
Jacque looks up, still holding his fishing pole. He hesitates, conflicted. He finally drops the fishing pole into the water, climbs into the cockpit of the pontoon plane, and starts the engine. The propellers start spinning as Lou swings out on a vine into the water, swims out to the plane, and climbs in. The Brewers stand at the shore, hurling baseballs and baseball bats at Lou. Jacque throttles up the plane, which pulls away from the Brewers and lifts off into the air. Lou, sitting in the passenger’s seat, notices a large Diamondback slithering up his leg.
LOU
Jacque! There’s a snake in the plane, Jacque!
JACQUE
Oh, that’s just my pet snake, Brandon.
LOU
I hate snakes, Jacque! I hate ‘em!
JACQUE
Show a little backbone, will ya?
The plane flies off into the sunset.
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Comments
theHawk I’m pretty sure that if Neddoq took Lou’s gun, he would had promptly shot himself in his own head. The Fielder pic is classic, though.
Poon Thought you were going to peak with the giant Prince Fielder rolling towards him but the JJ fishing pic is killing me.
CactusMcHarris No, Weebs, I saw the Raiders several years ago at Qualcomm Stadium, where they were owned that day by the Chargers. The fans were better viewing than the game was.
BK, to reiterate, you done good. Having seen the latest IJ movie last night, your post is at least as good as the movie, and on many points better. Plus, it didn’t cost me $25 to read. Great work - has Spielberg rang you up yet?
JW Wow, just wow. This is awesome. Lou with the Jack and the picture with Fielder are just hilarious.
Flem Haha! Excellent, looking forward to seeing what comes out of the Ark of the Covenant.
morpheus The big questions: 1) how many stars does TDubbs rate it and 2) where is it in his NetFlix queue?
CT
bocaj
BigFlax
StPatrick
TDubbs
BK,
Even though I feel like I sat through the movie, I’m going tomorrow night to see it on The Big Screen. THanks for the preview. Can you tell me if Pinella Lou ends up with Lassie Jim in his lap?