B126 #1B: Jim “I Wish You Were D”Edmonds
Congratulations, Jim Edmonds! You haven’t played a single game as a Chicago Cub. You haven’t pissed and moaned about a single called third strike in blue pinstripes. You haven’t taken a circuitous route and a completely unnecessary dive to catch a single fly ball as a home player in front of the Wrigley ivy. You haven’t molested a single Chicago-born dog. Yet you have accomplished the unthinkable. You have forced a two-way tie at the top of my list of the Bottom 126 Cubs of My Time.
I honestly didn’t think it possible for the Cubs to ever have a guy on their roster who is more loathsome than Todd Hundley. It’s not like the Cubs were ever going to sign that guy who beat the shit out of me in fourth grade, and then wouldn’t fight me when I got big enough to kick his ass. They certainly wouldn’t sign that bitch who cheated on me while I was out of town for a measly half day. Age itself would have made it impossible for them to sign my third-grade teacher, whose love of sentence diagramming made my life a living hell.
No, none of those people were available. But one colossal jagoff was. JIM FUCKING EDMONDS.
I don’t care if Jim Edmonds lets my mom borrow his mascara before she walks into work. I don’t care if he puts on the best damn burlesque show in Chicago. I don’t care if this shithead hits a walkoff home run for the Cubs in Game Seven of the World Series. I don’t care if, late one night, I stagger out of a Wrigleyville bar into traffic, and Jim Edmonds pushes me out of the way, saving my life.
I am going to HATE this bastard.
“Hollywood” Jim Edmonds is everything that’s wrong with baseball. He’s a showboating shithead who would rather be on SportsCenter than win a game. He’s a flaming homometrosexual who spends weekends frosting tips and polishing knobs. He has a selfish, uppercut swing designed for hitting a majestic home run once every thirty at-bats and striking out the other twenty-nine.
This is a guy who wasn’t good enough to play for the hapless San Diego Padres, making him more worthless than Shawn Estes, Michael Barrett, and Glendon Rusch. This is a guy who was replaced in center field by Jody Gerut, who hadn’t previously seen Major League action since 2005. This is a guy who was traded for David Freese, for God’s sake. This is a guy who even Wikipedia mocks, saying, “…he is known to have a propensity to slow down his route to the ball in order to make a diving play.”
This is a guy- I do not like this guy.
Low Point: May 14, 2008. Jim Hendry decides that there isn’t enough grabass being played in the shower and signs Jim Edmonds to a one-year contract. Every Cubs fan in Chicago momentarily considers purchasing a White Sox hat.
Did You Know? Edmonds was on the cover of the video game MLB Slugfest 2004. Yep. That game fucking sucked, too.
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I agree completely. I do not understand the signing either. But aside from frosting tips and polishing knobs, couldn’t paragraph 6 also refer to another current outfielder for the Chicago National League Ball Club? I have enough faith in Uncle Lou to handle this. Anyway, hopefully he’ll flame out, and by the middle of June Pie will be back up.
Thank you for writing this. I think it echoes the thoughts of all fans, especially the Game Seven scenario.
You better lock those precious beagles up, kid.
ESPN just reported that Edmonds came out of the closet after many
years of confusion. “Thank God for the Chicago Cubs. They are an
oasis for gay folks like myself,” Edmonds said immediately after the
conversion. Lou Pinella said that he talked to Edmonds this morning
and he was also enthused about hitting at the “back end” of the order,
and by the cramped lockerroom quarters and lack of a dividing wall
between shower stalls.
“The fans in STL used to say Busch Stadium was baseball heaven. For
someone like me, baseball heaven is having the opportunity to stare at
the asses of a couple of cute LSU boys between pitches.”
Jim Edmonds has already played on his last World Series championship
team. There won’t be another one for him.
I agree except for the walkoff HR in game 7 of the World Series. I would be able to tolerate him if he did that. Hell, I’d buy him some puppies as a reward.
Those LSU boys always do have teh cutest assess, indeed. Ask TDubblies.
I don’t dislike Edmonds any more than I would any other ex-Cardinal. At least to the point that if he hits a walkoff home run in Game Seven of the World Series, I would definitely be happy about it. (If he hits it for the Cubs, I should say.)
You know.. the more I thought about him being the big hero, I retract my previous comment. That would be unbearable.
I would be happy about it for the Cubs, but I’d still loathe that assrocket Edmonds.
You are the lamest troll ever.
I’d definitely be happy about the home run, but I would still be rooting for him to get trampled to death in the ensuing celebration.
Anbody got an extra tickets for Rifle Scope Night?
That picture says it all, doesn’t it? I used it on my post of doom the other day on my blog as well. This is a dark day for Chicago. Jesus, Jim. What’s next, Jeff Kent? I figure that’s coming, since he’s the only player I hate more than Jim Edmonds.
Um
see i’d be happy about the HR, but if it comes down to it, you know shit has gone bad when we need Jim edmonds to win us a ballgame. because by the time we pinch hit with him (and if he starts that game, im not a huge fan of the 1/4 walkoff with 3 K’s) daryl ward, mike fontenot, and even ronny cedeno would have to have pinch hit and not done anything for us. you name anyone else on the team who hits that walkoff i would love them forever (especially if its zambrano. oh, the zambrano walkoff HR. how i can dream.) but jim edmonds?
we dont need his shitty diving catches when we have reed who speeds up and makes great diving catches. we dont need him as a CF when reed and pie are doing much freaking better, and i thought we were training cedeno to play there anyway…
and we dont need his terrible fucking hitting ability. at all.
I can’t wait for the day he drops a routine flyball when Zambrano’s pitching and Carlos goes out to centerfield and beats the shit out of him. That will be fun.
Don’t act like you’re not impressed.
This makes my HJE Jersey with Hundley’s number obsolete.
Damn it Hendry, now I gotta buy an Edmonds jersey now too! When will this @*#$@ Jersey be available in the HJE store?
getting this worked up about edmonds getting a chance with the cubs is about as silly as getting worked up over wrigley naming rights. whatever we can do to win, if edmonds doesn’t work out, he’ll be gone. simple enough.
Yeah, but your way is a hell of a lot less fun.
Well if it was all in fun, and purely for the sake of comedy then, my bad, carry on…
Kermit, you probably already knew this, but you got block-quoted on Deadspin the other day. You probably feel bad about mocking that guy now.
http://deadspin.com/389928/jim-edmonds-to-the-cubs-nooooooooooo
As bad as Edmonds and Hundley may be, neither of them come close to the most execrable individual to ever wear Cubbie blue – Dave “Ding Dong” Kingman. Actually made Mike Royko a White Sox fan for a while – “I’d prefer an owner with a wooden leg (Bill Veeck) to a left fielder with a wooden head.”
I regret nothing!
A good friend of mine once said the following about Will Clark: If he saved my wife from a burning building, I’d shake his hand and thank him. Then I’d punch him in the throat as hard as I can.
That’s how I’d feel if Edmonds ever hits ANY significant home run for the Cubs, let alone a walk off in Game 7.
If you had a chance to meet every player in the bigs, you’d probably end up hating 80% of these childish pr*cks
The thing has always bothered me most about Edmonds it that the Cardinals got him for Kent Bottenfield…who the Cubs had before the Cardinals…did they even bother to call Anaheim to make an offer?
I guarantee if Edmonds had been a Cub that whole time, you’d be loving him from dawn until dusk
oh, he’s still a douchebag…but if there is no downside to this
if he sucks, he’s gone and Pie gets some at bats for a change
if he produces, so much the better
you guys are more worked up than a fat chick in Wrigleyville after Grace went 0-4
I doubt anyone is seriously worked up. They’re 6-1 on the current homestand, they’re 2 games up on the Cardinals, they have one of the best records in baseball, and Dempster is ridiculous. You know what’s fun, though? Making fun of Jim Edmonds.
Yeah. What he said.
“It’s not like the Cubs were ever going to sign that guy who beat the shit out of me in fourth grade, and then wouldn’t fight me when I got big enough to kick his ass. They certainly wouldn’t sign that bitch who cheated on me while I was out of town for a measly half day. Age itself would have made it impossible for them to sign my third-grade teacher, whose love of sentence diagramming made my life a living hell.”
All Hail Bad Kermit — The King of long sentences with multiple modifiers and long, drawn-out, delayed gratification payoffs that never fail to absolutely kill.
BK, please do not tire of this writing thing you do. My life has more meaning because of it.
^^^^seconded
And did anyone see those complete colostomy bags out in center with Edmonds painted on their chests? Oh my god.
And the thing I miss most about Gracie was picking up the shrapnel. He couldn’t fall on every grenade. He always left some chunkers for the rest of us.
we will see a pet day in the bleachers within two weeks extra beer for those that bring a collie.
Bernie Miklasz, Douchebag-in-Residence for the St. Louis Post Dispatch, quoted this post in yesterday’s paper. Actually, he quoted his “pal, Will Leitch, a passionate but reasonable lifelong Cardinals fan.” I’d like to second Buzz Bissinger’s opinion that Leitch is full of bullshit.
http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/sports/columnists.nsf/berniemiklasz/story/EA4B8DFD0781057E8625744A00154757?OpenDocument
Fuck Jim Edmonds! Fuck Jim Hendry! Fuck The Cardinals!
Agreed. I don’t really think it matters as I don’t believe Edmonds will be around long enough to make a difference one way or the other. Now if we still had Dusty Baker, I’d really be worried. Even if Edmonds sucked it up, Dusty would’ve run his tired old bones out there every day. Uncle Lou will stick with him for a bit and if he doesn’t produce, I have no doubt he’ll be gone. Until then, I’m gonna continue to rag on the guy. He’s one of the biggest tools in baseball, no matter what team he plays for. If you’re not having fun, you’ve really come to the wrong website.
The biggest crock in the article:
“And that’s just when he was passing through Rush Street, without actually living in Chicago and enjoying the nightlife. ”
I think Edmonds stayed a little closer to Wrigley Field – like up and down Halsted in Boys Town.
Ron, take your insulin, ok buddy? You just sit next to Cory Provus and color this Denny’s placemat while Pat’s in the shitter.
“I dig a pigmy, by Charles Hawtrey and the Deaf Aids! Phase One, in which Doris Gets Her Oats!” (Beatles Let It Be album reference)
I got the “Special Edition” DVD of Monty Python and the Holy Grail (aka “Mønti Pythøn ik den Høli Gräilen”) which included the original beginning of the film — the title sequence of the B/W British film Dentist on the Job guest starring — Charles Hawtrey! Evidently, he was a British film star…. (cf: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001889/bio)
OK, enough obscure non-Cubs trivia.